Constantness

So, an update: I got some pain pills and I'm staying home from work tomorrow to rest my leg. It's been kinda okay until after noon and then it gets real sore and it's just this constant pain thing. I work with a nurse who told me that I should probably be off my feet for a little while and that it'll heal faster if I'm not on my feet so much.

You do have an active job, farmboy. I think that nurse is probably right. Not to mention...you get an unplanned three-day weekend.

Yeah, that's pretty fuckin' cool, man. But not as cool as having my ankle better again. I hate this pain thing, it drives me fuckin' off the wall, you know? It's not so much the severity of the pain as the constantness of it. Is that a word?

I don't know. We could look it up, I suppose.

Nah. It's not important enough to me. You know what I mean.

In the meantime

Man, I'm having some physical pain right now. I tripped and fell this weekend and broke the skin and it got infected. Pisses me off. So I went to the doctor and he put me on antibiotics. Which will help, I'm sure but it takes time. And in the meantime my fuckin' leg hurts, and like the fuckin' idiot that I am, I told the doctor that no, I don't need no pain medication.

Can you call your doctor for some pain meds, farmboy?

Yeah...tomorrow.

That's what I meant. I know your doctor's office is probably closed.

Yeah, but, you know...what do I do about now?

Try not to think about it, I guess.

But I can't help thinking about it! Remember, I'm like this obsessive type of guy, you know. I need to self-medicate, but I don't have anything to self-medicate with.

So you'll just have to deal with it, farmboy. 

I was afraid that you'd say that.

Get your mind off of it. You're just thinking about it too much. Just try different things. You'll find something that will work, farmboy.

What can I think about? I don't know what to think about, man.

Just explore. You can do that. You do it all the time. Read a book, go online. Just don't lie around thinking about your current situation.

Okay. But if it doesn't work it's all your fault.

photograph

a picture of you
takes me back when I had faith
it would all turn out

Or something like that

So I played my newest song in front of people this weekend and both times it was very well received.

This song...

"You Won't Remember Me."

...That's a good song, farmboy. 

You're a good songwriter. You really need to start giving yourself credit, farmboy.

All I can say is that it feels fuckin' great when you're successful in communicating what you want to communicate. Or something like that. 

You're stoned, aren't you?

Yep. And it's fun, too. You should try it, man.

I have. And I will. I have nothing against it.

Maybe we could get high together one of these days.

We'll see, farmboy.

(uncomfortable silence)

I wouldn't be adverse to that. Could be fun, farmboy.

Yeah, it could. One of these days, man.

take hold of me

today
I want 
imagination
to take hold of me
so hard I can't deny it
and turn me into
a believer
again

geography

geography makes me sad
I think of places I will never go
all the people that I'll never know
all the mistakes I've made
maps make me feel bad
with all those territories
telling someone else's story

can someone tell mine?

full of static

my head is full of static tonight
interfering with the dialogue I want to hear
the one that is actually me
not some evil twin
who puts his hands around my neck
and says
"everything you believe is wrong"
as he grips my neck
tighter and tighter

A whole new learning experience

I'm so fuckin' tired, man. My back aches and my stomach hurts like I've swallowed a few dozen gallons of air. I can't wait till I'm off work tomorrow and then it's the weekend. It'll be kind of a busy weekend. I'm performing Saturday night and then going out Sunday night.

To watch the Academy Awards?

No, going to my songwriter group. I'm gonna play "You Won't Remember Me" for the first time in front of people. I'm gonna play it at the performance, too. Wish me luck.

It's a good song, farmboy.

Thanks. I'm pleased with it. 

But mostly right now I'm just tired. Seems like lately I've been looking forward to sleeping. I like to sleep.

How's the depression?

Not bad. Low-level.  And that's happened since my friends showed me all that generosity. But it's more than just the money, you know. It's that feeling that people care about me and 
are concerned about me.

They love you, farmboy.

Maybe.

Just accept it, farmboy. They love you, they care about you. They want the best for you.

And I'm grateful like you couldn't believe. I'm just...I just can't see why anybody would even fuckin' like me.

Don't analyze it. Just accept it.

I am. It's a whole new learning experience, man. It's fuckin' hard.

It's good for you.

I know.

It's necessary, farmboy. There are people in this world who love you.

I know, okay.

I think it's really important that you accept it. 

And I am. And it's hard. But I am, man.

How the fuck do I do it

So I'm still standing here while Providence Health Plans and the Providence empire in general continues to fuck me over. These stupid fuckin' poor excuse for humans...

I know you're angry, farmboy, but you've got to figure out some way of letting go of this. Do what you can and stick up for yourself, but then go on to the next subject. You're not hurting anybody but yourself when you hang on to your anger.

Okay, I agree. How the fuck do I do it, o smart one?

That's why I said you need to figure it out.

All right, then. I'm gonna have to do that, won't I?

included

all I want
is to be included
only problem is
I won't include myself

that's when I know

at a time when cynicism
doesn't populate my mind
and all my wild biorhythms
have been tested 
and are working fine
and the moon is shining
and my incessant whining
has gone to sleep
and I am confident
there is a lord
for my soul to keep
that's when I know
it really is so
I love you

I can get back to work

So, man, it's a three-day-weekend and life is good, other than the fact is I'm on the fuckin' internet way too fuckin' much. But, you know, I been playing and being musical. So not much to report, man, and that's all good. You know?

I'm glad for you, farmboy. I'm happy that life seems to have balanced out some.

So far, so good. Maybe now I can get back to work. I need to start eating a lot better. I need to be walking, I need to exercise.

Sounds like spring is here.

Not yet, but I believe it's on its way.

o great bolt of inspiration

come to me
o great bolt of inspiration
I could use 
a friend right now
wrap your arm around my shoulder
the night grows colder
but we'll make it through somehow

real life

the days flow into one another
each one the same as the one before
or so it seems;
maybe not, I think
every day has its own emotions
its own trials
its own uncertainties

they just seem alike
because when you're working
real life stands still
until the weekend

Tell me about yourself, man

So enough about me. Tell me about yourself, man. I feel like you never let me ask about you.

That's because I'm not here to talk about myself, farmboy. I'm here to listen to you.

So...you're a therapist?

We've gone through this before.

I know, I know. But it's been a long, long time. I mean, I know that you're the fuckin' interviewer but what exactly are you interviewing me for?

Your own benefit. Trust me.

I was afraid you'd say that.

Love scares me

So it's just fuckin' amazing what my friends did for me,man, and the effect it's had on me.

It sounds like you have great friends, farmboy. Who were these people?

The folks in my songwriting group, who are people I know from the coffeehouse. I can't get over it. They are so generous and it makes me feel like Sally Field at the Academy Awards:
They like me, they really like me.

Which is a misquote, by the way.

It still applies. 

It's just made me a whole lot happier. I went from hopeless to grateful in just a matter of minutes, you know? I'm still fuckin' overwhelmed by the whole thing, man. I don't know what else to say.

Let me ask you, farmboy: Do you feel loved?

Oh, man...it scares me. Love scares me. 

Now I kinda feel like crying, for some reason.

And that's all right, farmboy.

This whole thing makes me feel a little weird, man. I don't trust feeling good. That scares me, too.

But you know what? Fuck it. I'll just have to fuckin' deal with it, man. I mean, I like feeling like I might be loved, you know?

dollar tree

I was buying 
a pregnancy test
at the dollar tree
when the funniest feeling
came over me:

bridge

steven moved to san francisco
where the sourdough rises
and the giants play
he was hoping to start a new life
but he ended up
sittin' on the dock of the bay

But right now, at this time

I'm having a good day, man. Just thought I'd tell you for the record.

I'm glad for you, farmboy. Want to discuss it?

I'm sure I'll want to at some point, But right now, at this time in my fuckin' life, I just want to be in it.

you won't remember me/rewrite 5

you don't know my name
who I am
or what I do
I'm just a victim
on the network news
you've maybe seen my face
on the screen of your TV
you won't remember me

it doesn't matter where
some stranger with a plan
cruel conviction
shotgun in his hand
finger on the trigger
pointed aimlessly
you won't remember me

I never will grow older
the future I won't see
never fall in love
or raise a family
I will only be a whisper
of a bloodstained memory
you won't remember me

at the elementary school
your local shopping mall
Virginia Tech
Red Lake Band of Chippewa
at the movies on a Friday night
Colorado
Littleton
and the list continues
on and on and on and on and on

and you don't know my name
or when I was alive
a silent echo
that did not survive
just a faded footnote
on the edge of history
you won't remember me
you won't remember me
you won't remember...

People who love me

Some friends on mine got together and gave me a card with some money in it. I was so moved that I started crying.

You are loved, farmboy.

That's something I never doubted. No matter how fuckin' bad I feel, I always know that there are people who love me.

Now all you have to do is learn to love yourself.

No shit.

I can't win for fuckin' losing

I don't want to do anything. I need to practice some songs for a performance on Saturday night and I really don't want to. I'm so fuckin'...

Depressed? Anxious?

Unmotivated, man.

Anything different happening, farmboy?

Not really, except that I'm getting some sense of personal responsibility again...or maybe it's just guilt. I mean, that's the main motivating factor in my fuckin' life, you know.

I know.

You sound like you're still depressed, farmboy.

Oh, I'm sure it's there, but I don't want to acknowledge it, because if I do I'll just feel guilty. Fuck. I can't win for fuckin' losing, man.

So just play a song. 

Just one song?

For starters, yes.

Is starters really a word? Can we consult some expert on this? I'm sure expensive studies have been done.

Just play a song, farmboy.

I'll do it. But that doesn't mean I'll enjoy it.

Some kind of break

I am so fuckin' hopeless. I don't even want to talk about it.

I'm here if you want to talk, farmboy. 

I appreciate it, man. I'm just depressed. I'm not going to do any harm...

That's good. I'm glad.

...but I just can't talk about anything. I'm just fuckin' exhausted and defeated.

You'll be okay, farmboy. There are people who care about you. I want you to know that.

I know. I just need some kind of break from being depressed. And scared and anxious.

I wish I had some weed and a long weekend.

nobody

nobody sees me
nobody listens to a word I say
I still say them anyway
with my stubborn sense 
of hope

I got to take a break

I'm depressed. And I'm angry. I'm eating bad because I can't afford anything. My life fuckin' sucks. That's all I've got to say.

I'm sorry, farmboy. This depression is lasting a long time.

Yeah, it sure is, man.

The tough part is that I can't fight back against fuckin' Providence Health Plans. What a bunch of fuckin' assholes. But I got to take a break. I wish I had some weed. I wish I could buy a hamburger. What the fuck can I do?

You'll figure some way to make it through. You're a smart guy, farmboy.

I'm glad somebody thinks so.

all I require

all I require 
is a little attention
I'm like a weed
water me
I will grow
ignore me and I'll turn
in the wrong direction
I'm not stupid
this is all I know

all I require
is a little human contact
even though
I will say
it isn't true
forgive me if you can
if not,
I need my heart back
this time
it does not belong to you

I am sorry
for anything I've done
even though
I don't know
what it is

all I require
is the illusion
life gets better
and that I won't always be
who I am
look me in the eyes
write me a farewell letter
let me believe
there is hope
if I can

Fuckin' go berserk

I am so fucking angry and I can't seem to get out of it. My fucking health insurance company is so fucking evil. It's Providence Health Plan here in Oregon. They use words like compassion and they quote the Bible but their appetite for money has no limit. And I'm just helpless-- we're all just fuckin' helpless. I want somebody to get a gun. I want violence done against them...

That's not like you at all, farmboy.

I know, man. I've got all this fucking anger and it just won't leave.

Now I feel like I have a little understanding of the people who go postal and get guns and fuckin' go berserk. And I hate that. I mean, don't worry -- I'm not capable of doing that. My way is to hurt myself.

I know. Any danger of that?

I don't know, man. We'll see.