wait outside my window

wait outside my window
I will be out shortly
eighty dollars in my pocket
buys a quarter ounce
it'll last a little while
it'll be sure to make you smile
let me count my money
yep, that's the right amount

I got limes and coronas
a guitar and Irish coffee
kettle chips from south seattle
chicken fried from KFC
I'll be there in a minute
I can't wait to begin it
wait outside my window
be a pal to me

plant a seed (verse three)

boy and girl
love they do
like young lovers 
ought to do
they want a kid
a little baby
like Beyoncé
and her Jay-Z
to love a child
is what they need
plant a seed

A whatever-you-create thing

So I did go out yesterday to see my friends.

How was it, farmboy? Did you have fun?

It was good. It felt good to sit outside and discuss stuff and show each other what we're working on. It's changed from being a songwriter thing to a whatever-you-create thing. Which I like. Three people read poetry, one did a cover of a Neil Young tune…

Which one?

"Ohio."

I love that song.

Me too. She did it in this cool open tuning.

Another person showed these cool artistic-looking tea…cozies? I've never heard of them. But they were great, colorful and textured. I really respect and admire visual artists. I can't paint or draw a fuckin' thing.

But you write songs.

Yep, I write songs. And I played one yesterday called "Seems Like Yesterday." I'm still working on it. They liked it, though.

I think it's a really good thing to go out and see friends, farmboy.

Yeah, it is. I'm gonna have to do it more often now that I know I can.

seems like yesterday (an old man's childhood) (rewrite two)

seems like yesterday
we sang in the living room
it was Christmas eve
and the whole family was there
and my mother was still alive
and my father was still alive
and I hadn't learned to cry
for the ones who went before me

seems like yesterday
the sky was bluer then
we rode our bicycles
down by the railroad tracks
chimney smoke in winter air
warm in long underwear
no reason to be scared
we were all so safe 

why does time move forward
like the cruelest lion
lunging at its prey
razor-fast with every passing day

seems like yesterday
I was still somebody's son
a shy and simple boy
I thought it would never end
but nothing's what it seems
time rides on rocky streams
life is but a dream
and you are rowing

and that's all I have to say
hope I didn't overstay
guess I'll be on my way
seems like yesterday
seems like yesterday

I need to have experiences

Today's the last day of Spring break, and I'm supposed to go to my songwriter's group but I don't feel like it, I feel like staying home and smoking weed and wallowing in my own depression.

I think you should go out and see your friends, farmboy. You've been isolating yourself this week and that's not good…

Tell me about it.

Look, farmboy, it's in the afternoon, it's people who like you and you like them…

We like each other.

…It's musical and creative. You get dinner. You really should go.

I know. I should just fuckin' go. I need to have experiences.

You talked me into it, man. I'm going! 

Good for you, farmboy!

My last day of freedom. This better be good.

thoroughly wrong

the world's revolving
faster and faster
but I'm not moving at all
no, I'm standing still
on my own free will
fearing I'm going to fall
I open the window
look at people outside
and wish I could belong
thinking: maybe I'll go
and join them, but no
I've decided I'm thoroughly wrong

plant a seed (second verse)

out of bed
on your feet
in the car
down the street
ideas come
in words unsaid
like a light bulb
on top of your head
now it's time
to proceed
plant a seed

plant a seed

pull the weeds
push the dirt
toil the soil
it's hard work
find the shovel
dig the hole
fetch some water
bless your soul
wear some gloves
perform a earthly deed
plant a seed

permanent record

I've taken inventory
and I've thought everything through
let me tell you the one thing
I've always wanted to do
get on a plane
go back to my old school 
and ask them
can I see my permanent record

I know damn well you have it
you always told me so
when I needed to hear "yes"
you always told me "no!"
now I want to see my misspent youth
and bask in the afterglow
may I please see my permanent record

now I'm looking back to see
if there's anything I've missed
what if this permanent record
never did exist
you better hand it over soon
or someone's gonna be pissed
can I see my fuckin' permanent record

the house where you grew up

cobwebs on the ceiling
cold coffee in a cup
paint cracked and peeling
the same way you've been feeling
this is the house where you grew up

dust on the Bible
desk drawers crammed with junk
nothing really needed
why do you feel defeated
in the house where you grew up

      as an adult you know
      that ghosts don't exist
      bet you're not feeling
      so grown up now
      
shadows in the closet
secrets interrupt
the silence screams its warning
truth won't wait till morning
in the house where you grew up

hard words in the hallway
doors slam
children jump
the past wants to be repeated
nothing is completed
in the house where you grew up

      as an adult you know
      that ghosts don't appear
      bet you're not feeling
      so grown up now

you believed you escaped
but now you see you're stuck
imprisoned in a cell
locked away inside yourself
in the house where you grew up
in the house where you grew up

I love drinking coffee at midnight

Hey, hey, I'm on Spring break! 

Excellent, farmboy. What are you going to do with it?

The same thing I do every fuckin' year, man. I make all these plans to do all this work and then I totally ignore said plans and smoke weed and read lots of crap on the internet.

And, yeah, I still play music and write. I do those things every day, though.

I do have plans for Friday, though. I'm getting my gums worked on at the dentist. I am not looking forward to it, but I suppose that it's the right thing to do.

It is. You don't want to be having problems with your gums later on. Get it taken care of now, farmboy.

I will, I will.

But, yeah, I really to need to take advantage of this time. I love having the luxury of time when I have it. I love drinking coffee at midnight and going to bed at 4 a.m. I love not having to be a fuckin' slave to the fuckin' clock, you know?

I know. We've all been there.

Well, man, when I get to cheat time a little I feel so fuckin' accomplished, let me tell you.

don't know

you don't know 
you just don't know 
how it hurts
to love you so
how it hurts to be someone
you don't know
you just don't know
how I'm putting on a show
how it hurts to love someone
who won't love you
what can I do
but be the man who understands
that through life he must go
as one that you don't know
you don't know

the way that I've lived

the way that I've lived
since the day I was born
I don't want to live in
that way anymore
I will not live in fear
of my own shadow

big-ass dreams (new version)

I used to dream
big-ass dream
biggest dreams
that you have ever seen
I would have made 
a brilliant millionaire
I had taste
knew what to choose
gold plated
BMWs
I was bon vivant
and debonair 

but then the hard times came
and cleared my kitchen shelves
where I once dreamed of riches
now I dream of something else

now I dream
my big-ass dreams
gourmet ice cream
instead of rice and beans
I dream of filling up
my shopping cart
fresh avocados
dave's killer bread
the crap I fill up on 
instead
is hardening my arteries
and clogging up my heart

but, oh, the dreams
the big-ass dreams
of grocery stores
food magazines
let me tell you 
all about my shopping list
real butter
turkey legs
bacon, grits 
and scrambled eggs
I think you heard my message
I hope you get the gist

of my dreams
my big-ass dreams
of fresh and ripe
sweet nectarines
all those cuisines that I've ignored
grass-fed beef
salad greens
nutritional-
type luxuries
all that healthy food
I can't afford

except in my dreams
my big-ass dreams...

falling away

I am falling away from you
like a leaf
like the rain
someday nothing will remain
of you in my memory
I am falling away from you
like a branch
on a tree
a victim of
gravity
an empty shell 
of something that once grew
I am falling away from you

on behalf of you

I can see your shadow
sneaking up behind you
trying to remind you
that you are not alone
I can hear your footsteps
walking right beside you
hoping they can guide you 
any place you want to go

       here they are
       all your friends
       they're gonna pull you through
       right on track
       they got your back
       they do what they must do
       on behalf of you

I do not sleep

I do not sleep
without dreaming of you
I toss and turn
the whole night through
my heart still burns
for only you
I do not sleep
without dreaming of you

Anvils and pianos

You know, man, life is like a fuckin' game of dodge ball. 

You're high, farmboy.

Well, yeah. Sure. But I'm also serious. In your normal day-to-day life you spend an astronomical amount of energy just dodging stuff. It's like anvils and pianos are falling down on you while you're walking down the avenue. 

Like those old cartoons?

Yeah. You know, the ones with the Raymond Scott soundtracks.

Great stuff.

Ain't it? Anyway, man, that's what life is like, one of those cartoons. I mean, it's the I-gotta-pay-those-bills or I better-pay-my-child-support 'cause they'll throw my fuckin' ass in jail if I don't type of stuff.

You have a point, farmboy. I never looked at it that way. I guess I don't think of my life as a never-ending experience with oppressive fear…

Hey! I never said that!

But there's maybe a little kernel of truth to what you're saying. But, man, I can't help it. I'm always having to dodge stuff. Sometimes my main source of happiness seems to be the relief of not having to experience ultimate catastrophe.

It's sad.

Actually, farmboy, I think there's truth in what we're both saying.

Yeah. Fuck, ain't this depressing?

waiting for my friend

I'm waiting for my friend
he's running just a little bit late
he sells me stuff
that I appreciate
oh why oh why
do I have to wait

he's five foot three
and his hair is gray and shaggy
he presses his jeans
though the seams are rough and raggy 
I sure do like
those little plastic baggies

          I take it on home
          and walk into the john
          sit on the commode
          so I can tie one on
          don't need no reason
          don't need no rhyme
          I can be who I want to be

I'm itching for my medicine
I gotta take it now
I need it in my bloodstream
some way
somewhere
somehow
I need all the gravy
my wallet will allow

I'm waiting for my friend
he's running just a little bit late
I bet he's speeding
down the interstate
oh why oh why
do I have to wait
why oh why
do I have to wait

everything I'm not

all I want to be
is everything I'm not

your room once again (verse two)

your mother drove off
with your two younger brothers
left you alone
to learn to be a man
dad's going to thicken your thin skin
when he lets himself in
to teach important lessons
to you

your room once again

you are nine years old
and you know it's gonna happen
sooner or later
he's going to come home
he's going to let himself in
your room once again
and take all his anger out
on you

Max

it's so damn sad
and it's too damn bad
Max keeps mourning the childhood
that he never had
he's seen all the therapists
that money will allow
even they can't get poor Max to live
in the here and now

I go outside!

Who was playing guitar out there earlier today? A friend of yours? It sounded very good.

That was me, you fuckin' numskull.

Couldn't have been you, farmboy. You never go outside.

Fuck off, asshole. I go outside!

When?

I was just outside playing guitar, man. That's who you fuckin' heard.

See, it's a beautiful warm and sunny day and I'm taking tomorrow off and I just smoked some weed and I thought I'd go outside and play guitar.

And how was it?

You heard it.

I don't mean performance, farmboy. I'm talking about your emotions. How did it feel to go outside and play guitar.

Fine, I guess.

You guess?

Of course it felt good. I mean, the sun is warm but not that warm, and you're barefoot and you doing something that you love. What's not to fuckin' like?

So you admit it: it felt good.

Yes, it felt good. It was fuckin' orgasmic, motherfucker. I was having revelations. It was like being on acid, man! It was like I was one of the motherfuckin' Beatles. It was like being Dylan, you know, or Sam Cooke. Let me shout it to the Heavens! I can testify! Playing guitar on a warm and sunny day outside is fuckin' amazing!

There. Are you satisfied?

Yes.

Good.

cat in the window

cat in the window
staring at me
why are you staring?
what do you see?
do you want food?
do you want protection?
do you want your place
in natural selection?
I don't understand you
I'm not of your species
I only provide kitty
litter for your feces
you think you're my master
but don't you forget
you're simply a tenant
a simple house pet
so straighten up, bub
and straighten up now
and don't give me any
sarcastic meows
cat in the window
now I'm staring at you
look at me
I can be
an asshole too

seems like yesterday (rewrite one)

seems like yesterday
we were in the kitchen
it was Christmas eve
and the whole family was there
and my mother was still alive
and my father was still alive
and I hadn't learned to cry
for the ones who went before me

seems like yesterday
the sky was bluer then
we rode our bicycles
down by the railroad tracks
chimney smoke in winter air
warm in long underwear
no reason to be scared
we were all so safe then

why does time move forward
like the cruelest lion
lunging at its prey
razor-fast with every passing day

seems like yesterday
I still remember when
there's all these memories
that no one else can ever know
but nothing's what it seems
time rides on rocky streams
life is but a dream
and you are rowing

and that's all I have to say
hope I didn't overstay
guess I'll be on my way
seems like yesterday
seems like yesterday

I'm just getting fuckin' overwhelmed

Man, I tell you, I'm just getting fuckin' overwhelmed by everything that I need to do. I got CDs to make and send off, I got business emails to write, I gotta exercise, I gotta practice, I gotta create. And those are all good things but I don't know…

You sound tired, farmboy. Are you getting enough rest?

I think so. It's just that this is the week of daylight savings time, you know, "spring ahead," all that shit. Takes me a while to get used to it. They do it too early in the year, that's for sure. I'm getting up in total darkness like it's December again.

Plus, it's fuckin' Monday, man, and Mondays always suck.

I guess that's true, at least most of the time…

I don't know, man, maybe I am tired. I mean, I'm yawning all the time. Maybe that's why my stomach's been hurting. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so unsatisfied with everything lately.

Everything?

Well, okay, maybe not everything. Music is going well. I have a new song and I've been writing a lot. Which, by the way, is what I need to do if I'm gonna be a writer.

You are a writer, farmboy. A songwriter. And you're pretty darn good at it.

Thanks, man. I try. Now all I gotta do is get everything else in line and my life will be set.

all I want is you

I don't want to be sad anymore
I don't want to be blue
all I want
is you
I don't want to be lonely
I've walked down that avenue
all I want
is you

seems like yesterday

seems like yesterday
we were in the kitchen
it was Christmas eve
and the whole family was there
and my mother was still alive
and my father was still alive
and I didn't have to cry
for the ones who went before me
but I'm getting off track
let me go on with my story...

seems like yesterday
the sky was bluer then
we rode our bicycles
down by the railroad tracks
chimney smoke in winter air
warm in long underwear
no reason to be scared
we were all so safe then

why does time move forward
like the cruelest lion
lunging at its prey
razor-fast with every passing day
until you get old
and fade away

seems like yesterday
I still remember when
I still have memories
that no one else can know
but nothing's what it seems
time rides on rocky streams
life is but a dream
and you are rowing
don't worry 'bout what's to be
someday you'll see
you just keep going
you just keep going

and that's all I have to say
hope I didn't overstay
guess I'll be on my way
seems like yesterday
seems like yesterday
to me

apartment (third verse)

someday I'm going to
open the front door
and slowly stumble outside
to look at things I've
never seen before
with instinct as my guide
but today is not
the day for that
I know the address
of where I'm staying at
here in this apartment

apartment (possible bridge)

maybe I'll go outside
maybe I'll take a walk
maybe this world is not nearly
as bad as I thought
but I don't believe it
yeah, I have my doubts
I'm afraid to live in a world
that I can't live without

apartment (verse two)

the rooms are all dark
no sunshine gets in
the shades are all drawn
the refrigerator hums
its one-note anthem again
off and on
and on and on
if you're concerned
you'd need not be
I'm safe and sound
to the nth degree
this is my apartment

apartment

footsteps above me
basement below
cobwebs on the ceiling
I'm trapped in here
nowhere to go 
life has hurt my feelings
don't knock on my door
don't ring the bell
I've made my own prison
I've got my own cell
welcome to my apartment

lost

you say you're lost
baby, I am too
let's pull together
let's see what we can do
I know there's some trouble
to get into
me and you
we're gonna have a whole lot of fun

I got a few dollars
in the pocket of my jeans
baby, didn't you know?
I'm a man of means
I can play real dirty
but my conscience is clean
and my words are true
me and you
we're gonna have a whole lot of fun

I failed, okay?

I am so fuckin' irresponsible, man. I feel so fuckin' guilty.

Why, farmboy? What happened?

I didn't feel like doing my laundry today, so I didn't.

That's it?

It's, like, just one of many things I need to do, and I didn't do it. I failed, okay? This is why I can't have a clean apartment like everybody else. I've always been like this, and it pisses me off. What the fuck is wrong with me?

farmboy?

What?

Breathe.

I don't want to fuckin' breathe, I want to be…

What do you want to be, farmboy?

Somebody else.

No you don't.

Yeah, that's true. (laughs)  I just get frustrated and I can't see why I don't change.

You are changing, farmboy.

Not fast enough, man.

Let me let you in on a little secret, farmboy. Right now you're in the midst of a transformation…

Yeah, right.

I'm serious.You've put in a lot of work and, more importantly, you're beginning to think a little more of yourself.You're looking at possibilities. Your life is going to change, farmboy.

What if it doesn't?

It will.

Well, this is interesting…