A whatever-you-create thing

So I did go out yesterday to see my friends.

How was it, farmboy? Did you have fun?

It was good. It felt good to sit outside and discuss stuff and show each other what we're working on. It's changed from being a songwriter thing to a whatever-you-create thing. Which I like. Three people read poetry, one did a cover of a Neil Young tune…

Which one?

"Ohio."

I love that song.

Me too. She did it in this cool open tuning.

Another person showed these cool artistic-looking tea…cozies? I've never heard of them. But they were great, colorful and textured. I really respect and admire visual artists. I can't paint or draw a fuckin' thing.

But you write songs.

Yep, I write songs. And I played one yesterday called "Seems Like Yesterday." I'm still working on it. They liked it, though.

I think it's a really good thing to go out and see friends, farmboy.

Yeah, it is. I'm gonna have to do it more often now that I know I can.

Crumbles and shivers

I'm so sad, I'm so worried. I've got less than fifty dollars for the whole month -- that's including credit -- and my Visa bill is going unpaid. I don't know what to fuckin' do, man.

I know this doesn't help much, but you'll get through this, farmboy. You always do. Something always comes along.

I know, but not until everything crumbles and shivers, you know?

Take care of yourself, farmboy. Eat as well as you can, keep playing, keep writing, keep singing, keep working...

I will, I hope. Fuck. It's these moments of sheer panic that throw everything off.

So I'm trying to be okay.

Do you have any marijuana?

No. I can't even afford groceries, much less weed. It's a shame, but it's okay. For now. It would sure help for those times of panic when something chemical happens inside of me . It's fuckin' great for anxiety, but it doesn't count as a reason for medical marijuana. Maybe I'll eventually move to Washington or Colorado, I don't know.

Seriously?

I can't afford to cross the street, let alone move to another state. I wish I were Canadian, man. Health care, weed, Neil Young.

But I'm here. It'll be okay in a month, kinda. I'll still have the Visa bill, plus a fuckin' penalty. All I need is like $500 and I'll be set. 

I wish I had it, farmboy.

I know, man. Thanks.

I wish I had it, too.

Because I'm free!

I have five -- count 'em, five -- days off. Thanksgiving and all that. I'm so thankful for these days off. This working at a public school gig is just too fuckin' much sometimes. Pisses me off.

But let's not talk about that now, man. Because I'm free!

That's pretty wonderful, farmboy. What are you going to do?

I'm gonna stay at my brother's for a couple days and babysit my niece so my brother and his wife can go out and celebrate her birthday (which is today).

Other than that I don't know. I'll probably keep reading the Neil Young memoir. Maybe I'll write a song. That's what I really want to do.

Maybe you will. I hope I can hear it.

You'll be the first, man.

I had beef brisket, man

There he is! Hey, champ, happy birthday!

"Champ?" What the fuck?

All right then. Happy birthday, slugger! Ii hope it was fun, sport! So, big guy...

Okay, I fuckin' get it. Just stop. Please.

Has it been a good birthday, farmboy? What did you do? Where did you end up going out to dinner?

I took the day off work and played guitar and read. Then I went to my brother's and did the laundry and read. Then we went out and had barbecue at this joint on MLK Jr. Boulevard. It was great. I had beef brisket, man. I haven't been able to afford much meat lately, so this was a real treat. Plus I was given the Neil Young memoir, which I can't wait to read.

So now I'm smoking weed and drinking beer and talking to you.

So what's your review, farmboy?

A good birthday, a solid A.

Summer will come soon enough

Okay, here I am. Checking in. I'm doing all right.

Good. What are you doing?

Listening to Neil Young through headphones. I woke up from a nap a while back and I'm still groggy. I was really tired.

You've been tired quite a bit lately, farmboy.

I've been sick, remember?

Oh. That's right.

I'm also at the point where I'm just ready for summer. I'm tired of the rain and I'm tired of the gray and I want to be able to sleep with the window open and the fan on, you know? But I need to be patient, because I've got about three weeks left. But it ain't ending soon enough for me.

Summer will come soon enough.

I love summer, if I can do it right, which means not being obsessively concerned about money every minute of the day. It's by far the best thing about working in a public school, getting the summer off.

Hey, by the way, our hours are not being cut at work,

Really? That's great, farmboy.

Fuckin' right it's great. It's fuckin' awesome.

But I still can't wait for summer to be here.

Patience, farmboy. It'll be here soon.

Not soon enough for me.

I know you're anxious, but just relax a little.

Oh, it'll be better this weekend, 'cause it's a three day weekend. Plus, this is my first full week after taking those days off because of illness and babysitting my niece.

But, yeah, it'll come. Summer is a-comin', man.

Moaning and singing

(whines) Oh, man...

What's wrong, farmboy?

Oh, man, I just want to make my life better. I don't know, I just kind of feel like moaning. I mean, it makes me feel better, it's a relief, it's a physical thing. Fuck.

You know, this moaning feels so good that I wonder if it's musical as well as emotional. You know, a form of singing.

That makes sense. I wouldn't think it would be that far removed from the blues.

Yeah. Singing's a funny thing. I'm not a good singer. I mean, I'm generally in tune and stuff and I don't think I'm generally offensive as a singer, but I'm not a good singer, you know? But I love to sing. I mean, I loooooove to sing. And it's a need, a physical need. I have to do it, it's my lifeblood.

And I love that, that it's such a primal thing inside me. I mean, that there's such a burning, physical need to sing, regardless if anybody's listening or not.

Let me interview you about singing. What's your favorite song to sing?

Oh, fuck, I've got a whole ton of songs I like to sing. Some are songs where I play guitar , some I just sing acapella. Some I barely know. I like "The Losin' End" by Neil Young. There's one. I love to sing that song. I love that melody. Neil Young's got an amazing amount of incredible songs.

I also really like Neil Young as a singer, too. He's not a conventional singer at all, but he's himself, you know, he's completely himself. And I think that's what every artist should strive for. I mean, in all art.

Fuck, I am being pretentious as all hell. (laughs) I'm stoned, can you tell?

I enjoy it when you philosophise about music. Actually, I think it's good for you.

In a way, I think it's good for me, too. It's good for me to think about these things, to form my own opinions about stuff. To take that part of myself seriously.

So basically, I smoked pot and talked about music, about singing. No harm in that, right? I'm now feelin' so bad anymore. And that, my friend, is cool.

No need to moan?

Oh, there's always a need to moan. But sometimes it's a happy moan.