charlie manson eyes

I woke up this morning
and I looked in the mirror
and what I saw 
scared me half to death
I wanted to run
I was shaking with fear
I closed my eyes 
and held my breath

'cause what I saw
was the final straw
and it caught me by surprise
I look in the mirror
and what do I see?
me
with charlie manson eyes

wake up and you're older

get up, boy
supper's getting cold
so go on do
what I just told you 
there's the early bird
at the crack of dawn
you wake up and you're older
and time keeps racing on

Government-issued desks

Man, I tell you, this fuckin' world, I don't understand it at all. I go back to work after being off for the summer, and it's even more fucked up than it's ever been. Which is saying a lot, you know?

Work problems, eh, farmboy?

Yeah, every year it's the same fuckin' thing. Those fuckin' people who make all the decisions, they don't have a fuckin' clue what they're doing. They don't do the actual work in the field, they sit behind government-issued desks and hand out press releases that make themselves look good. 

Sounds frustrating.

It is. It's super frustrating.

Want to talk about it, farmboy?

Oh, God, no. It's the weekend. I don't even want to think about the fuckin' job. 

Well, you brought it up.

I know. I've been thinking about it way too much, man.

sick to work

let me go home
crawl into bed
pull all the blankets
up over my head
that's what I should have done 
but instead
I called in sick to work

when summer fades

when summer fades
it takes the truest part of me:
a child who sleeps with the window open
and his t-shirt off;
who stares at the stars
without knowing which ones they are;
a child who eats 
open-faced peanut butter sandwiches
washed down with instant iced tea.

now all I have are rusty memories
of the summers I have known

but I am grateful
and I am busy imagining
the possible summers to come

start over

let me start over Jesus
I've made a mess of this life of mine
I know I can do better
if I can try it one more time

public school

I was not taught
to believe in myself
I was not taught
that I could succeed
I was taught to obey
everybody else
I was taught that the future
was not open to me

I was not taught
that I had any choices
I was not taught
to seek out the truth
I was taught
to memorize the voices 
that taught me about failure
and how I was the living proof

I went to public school
I went to public school

I need

I need to be out of here
I need to be far away from you
I need to leave here right now

talking

I got nothing to say
but I'm gonna say it anyway
and I'll say it
for a long, long time

trouble now, possible bridge

when the sun woke up
I raised my weary head
looked at my to-do list
and crawled back into bed

trouble now, second verse

where the money goes
it's a mystery
my bank account
can't count on me
and the future is our
responsibility?
yeah, we're in trouble now

trouble now

oh, I was miserable
feeling sorry for myself
when a friend said to me
"you're just like everybody else"
which means that everybody else
is just like me
oh, we're in trouble now

last night I dreamed

Last night I dreamed
that everything 
was the way I thought it should be
my face was handsome
my mind was keen
in other words, I wasn't me

My default setting

Hey, man.

What's up, farmboy? You sound dejected.

Dejected?

Dejected.

I don't know about dejected, but I'm feeling depressed and anxious.

Why?

You know, if David Foster Wallace was here he might say it was my default setting.

But other than that, school's starting back up, I'm smoking too much weed, I've been eating too much bad food, and I'm doing the feel-like-a-failure thing that I've been doing ever since I was a teenager. Plus, it's fuckin' hot outside, like in the 90s.

Give yourself a break, farmboy. Learn what you can. Move on. This is your final week of summer break so give yourself a little leeway...

That's a funny word "leeway."

Yes, it is. Now, what I'm not saying is to go hog-wild with everything. Don't start eating nothing but McDonald's or anything. But your life's going to be pretty hemmed in starting next week. It sucks, I know. So I would expect that there would be some exceptions in things this week.

Really? Does that mean I can order out for pizza?

If you want, you can. But don't go overboard in eating it. Spread it out for a few meals.

And chips? And cookies for desert?

No. It's one of the three.

Yeah? Well, it's my life and I make the rules. And I say...

And you say...

Uh, probably pizza. No chips, no cookies. And that's fine. I mean, I have to show a little self-control, don't I?

book

I want to read a book
a big fat book
at least a pound
the kind of book
you can't put down
a book you can't ignore
'cause I don't want to think anymore

I miss everyday life

when I was a child
I wanted excitement
I wanted to move
like a southwestern train
I looked at the world
like it was waiting 
the world outside
was my home on the range

now I am an old man
no children
no home 
no wife
but now I'm amazed
when I think of the old days
I miss everyday life
I miss everyday life

tony hears

tony hears music inside his head
tony hears voices too
sometimes they speak nothing but nonsense
sometimes they tell him what to do

(untitled)

the day has begun
let the self-criticizing begin

crossing heaven's gate

summer is ending
sooner than I'd like it to
I can't make it stay
leaves will change color
bare feet finding common shoes
blue skies fade to gray
give me a July 
that can live here forever
I will stay up late
down at the campfire
other side of the river
crossing heaven's gate

average guy

I have no words to say
but you know I'm gonna say them anyway
it's just an average day
in this average life of mine
my world's as average as can be
I'm the poster boy for mediocrity
the proof is here for all to see
I guess I'm just an average guy

I don't like cursing

I don't like cursing
it just happens
sounds ooze out of my mouth

it's all anger
it's all frustration
it's all a feeling of hopelessness
that demands I pay attention

and I pay attention
I obey
with every fuckin' obscenity
that I know

I fuckin' crave safety

I have got to stop fuckin' worrying about every fuckin' little thing that happens in my life, man. I am in such sheer panic all the time. I'm always on watch, making sure I'm behaving properly so I don't get in trouble. I fuckin' crave safety like it's the best narcotic in the world. 

So what you're saying, farmboy, is that your life is basically the same as it's always been.

Hey! I'm being fuckin' serious here, man.

I know. So change it.

And how do I do that?

Stick up for yourself. Quit assuming that you have to always be last, that you always have to have the cheapest quality, that you're not deserving of anything more than the lowest level.

I've always felt that way.

I know. But you don't have to. You can change it, farmboy. Find a way that's comfortable to you.

farmboy, you're in the midst of change right now. I don't know if you know that, but you're changing, You've had enough.

I've had enough.

Use that to your advantage, farmboy.

Boy, I can't wait to hear the songs that come out of this.

love affair 2

drag me round
put me down
in front of friends
do that humiliation
thing you do
again
here's some rope
tie me 'round the kitchen chair
you're my idea
of a love affair

love affair

pull me in
use me up
I don't care
if you need
your own fool
I'll be there
tell me lies
kick me down
a light of stairs
you're my idea
of a love affair

operator emergency

operator emergency
get me county mental heath
I got bad news of the utmost urgency
I got a cancer inside myself
but it's not the kind you get from smoking
or directions disobeyed
it's what happens when your brain is broken
and your mind has been betrayed

all the doctors shake their heads
and stand around confused
they just tell me to take my meds
and stop singing the blues
my friends don't understand
why I can't stop feeling this way
I see my family when I can
but I think they've moved away

me and my murderous mind

me and my murderous mind
have powers you can't see
I look in the mirror and see a stranger
with whom I most violently disagree
that can't be me

the truth about lying, take two

I know the truth about lying
it's a necessary evil
but I know how to do it
with enough practice
there ain't nothing to it
so I go through it all the time
I exaggerate the facts
without really trying
it's my default setting
when I ain't got nothing left
except a PhD in trouble
and a philosophy of theft
don't get me started
don't get me started

unitarian song

(to the tune of "Battle Hymn of the Republic")

there's a million zillion churches 
if you give or take a few
and most of them will tell you
what you should and should not do
ask one about another
"those guys don't have a clue"
still my faith keeps marching on

          and that's why I'm a unitarian
          that's why I'm a unitarian
          a believer and a humanitarian
          my faith keeps marching on

Life surprises

So I'm back and now I just want to get on a train again and travel around.

So why don't you get on a train and travel, farmboy? You've got around three weeks left and a little extra money from the summer music gig at the hospital.

Where would I go? 

Use your imagination. Just fantasize about it a little, farmboy. There has to be somewhere you'd like to visit.

Okay, well, I'll think about it. It's so fuckin' weird, man. You know, I never would have dreamed that I'd want to do this. Life surprises, doesn't it?

It does do that, farmboy.

You know, there's some surprises that I'm more than ready for.

dibs

I may be just a farmboy
but I know just what to do
I'm calling dibs on you

credit card

there you sit
alone with your computer
credit card in your hand

here's that email I owe you

here's that email I owe you
sorry I haven't been in touch
I know you may not believe this
but I've missed you oh so much