google and bookmark

there's only one way out, I'm afraid
it's time to plan your last escape
you'll never know
if you'll ever need it
but if you do
you'll know where to retrieve it
google and bookmark for later
google and bookmark for later

there's websites to show you the medical ways
to cure those long nights by ending your days
you'll never know
if you'll ever use it
but I wouldn't yet
think to refuse it
google and bookmark for later
google and bookmark for later

Dave Foster Wallace once said
before his sad fate
it's like you're in a skyscraper
being followed by flames
everyone says "don't jump"
but what they don't see
are the flames rising higher
and reaching for me
google and bookmark for later

information at my
nail-bitten fingertips
when old man isolation
performs his final grip
I'll know what 
I have to choose
for the act
I have to do
google and bookmark for later
google and bookmark for later

Bored

I'm bored.

You're bored? It's a big world out there, farmboy, and it's full of adventure and excitement!

Yeah, well, I'm stuck here at my fuckin' job, just waiting for the day to be over.

That seems like a waste of time. That's a whole day that you could be putting to good use.

Yeah, but...I'm at work, you know?

True, but you have control over your own mind and thoughts.

You sound like you're David Foster Wallace or something.

You like David Foster Wallace, don't you?

I do, but it sounds like you've memorized his Kenyon commencement speech.

It's a good speech.

It's a great speech. I've listened to it several times.

And do you put it to use, farmboy?

I have, actually. 

So, anyway, what were we talking about?

I have no idea.

Man, I am so fuckin' bored...

My default setting

Hey, man.

What's up, farmboy? You sound dejected.

Dejected?

Dejected.

I don't know about dejected, but I'm feeling depressed and anxious.

Why?

You know, if David Foster Wallace was here he might say it was my default setting.

But other than that, school's starting back up, I'm smoking too much weed, I've been eating too much bad food, and I'm doing the feel-like-a-failure thing that I've been doing ever since I was a teenager. Plus, it's fuckin' hot outside, like in the 90s.

Give yourself a break, farmboy. Learn what you can. Move on. This is your final week of summer break so give yourself a little leeway...

That's a funny word "leeway."

Yes, it is. Now, what I'm not saying is to go hog-wild with everything. Don't start eating nothing but McDonald's or anything. But your life's going to be pretty hemmed in starting next week. It sucks, I know. So I would expect that there would be some exceptions in things this week.

Really? Does that mean I can order out for pizza?

If you want, you can. But don't go overboard in eating it. Spread it out for a few meals.

And chips? And cookies for desert?

No. It's one of the three.

Yeah? Well, it's my life and I make the rules. And I say...

And you say...

Uh, probably pizza. No chips, no cookies. And that's fine. I mean, I have to show a little self-control, don't I?

Focus on the sad and depressing

You know what, man? I wish I was smarter.

You're already smart, farmboy.

No, I'm not. I have so many regrets already. I've made so many fuckin' mistakes, man. I just can't believe how dumb I can be.

So, farmboy, what's bringing this on?

I don't know. I guess I think about my past and my life and my mistakes too much. I focus on the wrong things. Seriously. I've gotta do what David Foster Wallace said in that graduation speech he gave at Kenyon. You know, about how you can change what you're thinking, and about how sometimes it's really kinda required to survive.

So I've been trying lately to change my thinking, 'cause I just fuckin' focus on the sad and depressing, you know? 

I do know, farmboy. I've noticed that you do that. But  lot of what you focus on is from good sources. You watch depressing movies, but they're good depressing movies. Same with books, same with articles, podcasts, music, et cetera.

Yeah, that's true. I guess what I'm mainly thinking of are things like comment sections and fuckin' journalism that's no good. I mean, I guess I gotta be picky about what I leave out as much as what I take in.

Exactly. See, you are smart.

Or lucky. Or, most likely, a combination of both.

DFW: This is Water

Man,l what a fucked week this has been. But I've been given some weed and I got the check from my brother so there's finally food in the fridge and life is kinda sorta okay as long as I don't think about the fuckin' job. 'Cause it's such a fuckin' shit hole, man, and I don't even want to devote a tenth of a fuckin' second thinking about...

Hey, farmboy. Don't think about it. Learn to have some control about what you're thinking.

Fuck, man, you mean like all that fuckin' positive thinking shit?

No, farmboy. I'm thinking more like David Foster Wallace with This is Water.

Yeah? I love that...what is it anyway? An essay? I mean, I know it was a commencement speech but...

Let's go to the computer. I'll put it on for you.



Man, that's so great. Thanks. Here, let me bookmark this...

I need to fuckin' hear them

Hard day?


Yeah. They're all hard. And I'm saying that with some objectivity. Had problems sleeping. Became immobile until I fuckin' forced myself to get up and grab the guitar and work on this song I've been working on. Which, by the way, I am extremely glad about. I think I showed it to you, "Love Lives On."


Yes, I remember, farmboy. I liked it. It's pretty positive, and I'm glad you're digging inside and  finding some optimism. I'm a little surprised, being that you've been depressed.


You know, I was thinking about this commencement speech that David Foster Wallace made at Kenyon University in Ohio. It's called "This is Water." It's very, very well written, of course, and there's a lot of wisdom in it. Well, at one point I thought "What does he know? He committed suicide..."


I know. He had a history of major depression.


Well, then I thought maybe he's telling himself stuff he's needed to know. My new song's kinda like that -- if, in fact, that's even true. I mean, I'm projecting here...


That's all right. Go on...


I think...I know that's what I'm doing and have done with some songs, man. I've written them because I need to fuckin' hear them, I need to tell myself what I'm saying in those songs. That's the wonderful thing about writing songs.


That's the wonderful thing about art, farmboy. Among many wonderful things.


Yeah, it's pretty amazing, man. I feel very fortunate, very blessed that I have music in my life.


That's why you were born, farmboy. To write songs and to give and receive love. In other words, to do good work. To fight the good fight.


That's what I try to do, man. 

Bad influence

It's bee-oo-tee-ful outside.

You sound in a good mood.

Actually, I been feelin' kinda lonely today. And I never get lonely.

Or at least you won't admit to it.

Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

Oh, nothing. Go on, farmboy.

It's a blue sky. It's, like, 80 degrees. It's, like, people are out being social and athletic and drinking alcoholic beverages and eating nectarines and cherries and watermelon.

It's summer.

Four more days of work. Two days with students, two days working for next year. Then I perform Thursday and I perform Friday, and I go to a songwriters' get-together on Sunday. And the week after that I play a folk music festival. I should be worrying about money, and I am, but not to the extent I usually do. I have to decide whether or not I'm going to go to California and play some places and see family and go to my family reunion.

And now I'm feeling stressed because it's nice outside and summer's coming and I haven't made some plans and it's coming fast and...

And that's what you do. You stress out. Well, don't. Go get some nice alcoholic beverage and relax.

Funny you should say that, 'cause I bought beer and I hardly ever buy beer. I may not even like it. But I have it. It's not cold yet though.

But maybe I'll have some beer. It's not as much fun without fuckin' cigarettes to smoke and since I don't smoke any more...Well, I'll just have to have some beer without tobacco. We'll see. I'm actually not real big on alcohol. I'm a marijuana guy myself.

Do you ever do both?

You're being a bad influence!

You could use some bad influence sometimes. Always worrying, always questioning, always fretting about something. Go on vacation tonight. You don't have to drink, but I want you to settle down and stop worrying, farmboy.

What's for dinner tonight?

Supper's gonna be hot dogs. Turkey hot dogs. I bought a watermelon, I have beer, I have sparkling water...

It is summer!

Well, according to my refrigerator it is.

I think I'm going to go outside and read or play guitar for a while.

While the beer's getting cold?

There's that bad influence again. Should I go get a pack of fuckin' Marlboros to go with the beer?

No. I'm not that bad an influence. Just relax. No guilt, no worries...

Just beer and weed and hot dogs and the guitar.

I didn't mention the guitar.

You don't need to. There's always the guitar. That's a constant.

A constant what?

Just a constant.

Constant is an adjective. It's a modifier.

Okay, the guitar is a constant thing. Happy now?

See? I can be a good influence.

Thanks for the bad influence, by the way. I do need a bad influence in my life. I just didn't think it would be you.

Glad to be of service.

Should I read or play guitar?

Play a song on guitar. Outside.

You got it.

Then you can read if you want. What are you reading?

This book about taking a road trip with David Foster Wallace.

Is it good?

Yeah, it is.

You've got a lot of stuff. A book, a guitar, beer, marijuana...

I got rhythm. Who could ask for anything more?

You could ask for an end to loneliness.

I got everything but the girl. I could really, really dig falling in love over the summer and having some of that summertime sex.

Whoa! Farmboy talking about sex?

I'm kinda horny, I'll admit. But, fuck, I'd love to fall in love. I hope it's not too late.

It's never too late.

Yeah, but I'm so fuckin' neurotic. Seriously.

Don't think about stuff like being neurotic!

Okay. How about erotic then?

That'll work.

There you go, being a bad influence again.

And I need that. Thanks, amigo.

Now, let me see if that beer is cold yet...