But you can get lonely

You know, man, I've been back at my apartment for a few days now and I'm beginning to think that I need to make some changes. Because I was afraid I was gonna go back home and do things and live life just exactly like I did before. And that's what's happened. And I won't have that.

What are you going to do about it, farmboy? 

I don't know yet. I need a plan. I'm trying to give up some of my own habits but I don't have anything to replace them with. So what I need to do now is do some exploring in my mind and figure out how I want to live.

So far, a problem I have is the old isolation problem. I have to reach out; I can't really leave the apartment until I learn how to do steps and stairs, so I'm stuck here. Look, don't get me wrong, being at home is fuckin' great. But you can get lonely being by yourself all the fuckin' time.

So people are going to have to come see you at your place? What are you going to do, invite people over for coffee?

Well, uh, yeah...

I think that's a great idea, farmboy.

You know, that kind of thing. Maybe see if anybody wants to write songs or something. But I don't want to isolate myself anymore.

There it is, man: number one -- don't isolate so much.

Hopefully I'll go on to discover a number two, man. And then three.

As in, I did not die

Well, man, so far it's so far, so good.

There's a cliche for everything.

Yeah, it's part of what we fuckin' call communication. You know, people talking to each other, trying to reach understanding. Or something like that.

What I was trying to say was that I spent the weekend completely independently and I survived. As in, I did not die. I've still got a lot of limitations and challenges, but, man, it's so much better than what it's been. I am very thankful.

I'm sure you are, farmboy. Pardon the pun, but what's the next step going to be?

Stairs. If I could get down the stairs, I would be able to go outside. Then once I'm outside, I need to walk to the sidewalk. Then when I'm on the sidewalk, I need to be able to enter the passenger side of an automobile. Then when I'm in an automobile, I can go far, far away...

Away to freedom!

Fuck that. Away to the best burger joint in town, man.

Closer and closer to good as new

I took my first fully independent shower today. It felt good, man. Closer and closer to good as new, I always say.

No you don't, farmboy.

No I don't what?

I have never heard you say "closer and closer to good as new." I've never heard you say that, ever. 'Fess up, farmboy...you've never said that.

Okay, I'm guilty as charged. Satisfied ?

As much as I'll ever be.

Sheesh.

little bit scared

don't let me down
don't give up on me
I need you
to pull through for me
it's as natural as
the birds in the spring 
you're just a little bit scared

if you need someone
look around for me
I won't judge
your history
anyway
it's all a mystery
you're just a little bit scared

okay right now

I'm okay right now
no ecstasy
no sorrow
I have no idea
how I'll be tomorrow
I'll take whatever
time will allow
I'm okay right now

first night home

it's the first night home
after a long time gone
as soft as the pillow
I will sleep upon
as easy as I've ever known
first night home

there's killer weed
and online smut
the take-out special
at pizza hut
time to rest these weary bones
first night home

          break out the coffee
          it's only 2 a.m. 
          time to binge watch
          the sopranos once again

it's time for that
good Mexican beer
Sam Cooke singing
in my ear
no ringing from the telephone
first night home

Another adventure, another transition

Tonight's my last night at my brother's house. Tomorrow I go to to see the surgeon and hopefully he'll give me the okay to take my braces off of my legs, and then it's back home for me.

Looking forward to it, eh, farmboy? It's been a little while since you've been there.

No shit, Sherlock. Over three months. It'll be good to be back in in my my apartment. I'll be able to stay up as long as I want and drink coffee whenever I choose. Not that I can't do that at my brother's, but...I don't know, it'll just feel better being in my own place.

Are you going to do anything special that first night?

I'll probably order pizza, have it delivered. There's some potato chips there -- my brother went to the store today to get me some groceries. I don't buy potato chips very often. It's a real treat. It's gonna be fuckin' great.

I hope so, farmboy. You deserve one night of fun after this ordeal you've been through.

Really. I am looking forward to it. 

There's one thing that I'm concerned about, man. I really don't want to return to my old life; I need to make some changes. Starting with the fuckin' job.

But that doesn't have to be addressed tomorrow night, or even this weekend. Give yourself a little bit of a break, farmboy.

Oh, don't worry, I am. I do have a friend from California visiting on Saturday, but that should be low pressure and fun. I'm looking forward to it.

You know, really, it's just another adventure, another transition. I left the hospital and went to rehab for two months and then back to the hospital for more rehab. Then I went to my brother's. 

And now I'm going home, man.

keep the motor running

keep the motor running
I won't be long
time flies when you're doing 
something you know is wrong
I'm going to mosey in this bank
give the teller a note
take all the money
and that's all she wrote

you and me baby
we got the world on a string
we can be who we want
we can afford everything
whatever's your pleasure, babe
whatever your heart desires
you and me, sugar
we're gonna set the world on fire

          I will do anything for you
          anything you want me to do
          only one request I ask of you
          keep the motor running
          keep the motor running

you got your sunglasses on
you got those skin-tight jeans
you got your eyes out for
a man of means
and I'm that man
I ain't no little boy
and I got a past
I would love to destroy

          I will do anything for you
          anything you want me to do
          I only have one job for you
          keep the motor running
          keep the motor running

money in the bag
gasoline in the tank
a whole lot of people
crying in the bank
sweetheart, I believe
the future's ours to take
hey, where you going?
slow down
step on the brake

           I will do anything for you
           anything you want me to do
           I'm begging of you
           keep the motor running
           keep the motor running

Progress has been made

So it looks like I will probably be going back to my apartment to live in a couple days. Three days, actually. Thursday, after my appointment with the surgeon who performed my surgery. 

And how are you feeling about that turn of events, farmboy. Do you think you're ready?

With help. I'll be continuing physical therapy for awhile at my apartment. My brother will have to help me with stuff like groceries, but I really don't want to overuse him. He's been great, amazing actually. But I really don't want to burn him out. Plus, I'm gonna have to eventually do all that living stuff independently.

But I think it'll be good. I'll just have to be cautious, which I have been anyway. It's funny, 'cause it's, like, the final destination on this journey, man. I mean, I still have a lot of work I have to do. I'm learning stairs now and I'm gonna have to learn how to get in and out of vehicles. Not to mention that I'm using a walker, man. I think it may be a little while before I can walk by myself without a walker or a cane.

 From what I've seen, farmboy, it looks like you've learned your lessons well. You've listened to your therapists and doctors and you've put those lessons to good use. 

Thanks, man, I appreciate that. I'm pretty pleased with my improvement, I'll tell you that. You know, this whole experience has largely been a fuckin' drag, but it feels so good that progress has been made. It really does.

You should stop for a minute, farmboy, and be proud of yourself. You've accomplished a lot. Pat yourself on the back. Be proud of yourself.

I am, but only for a minute. I still got a whole fuckin' lot to do. And I gotta address the money and job situations. 

But you're right. I'm on the way to being proud. That's new territory for me, man.

let me see morning (rewrite one)

let me see morning once again
and I promise I'll return back
to my lonesome life again
allow me to be your fool once more
so I can pretend
and then
I'll be on my way

let me see the sun rise in your eyes
let the beating of your heart
take me by surprise
keep me away from reason
I refuse to recognize
no goodbyes
I'll be on my way

let the fog burn off this tourist town
we can listen to the foghorn
moan its low homecoming sound
there's no need to speak of sorrow
too cruel to comprehend
and then
I'll be on my way

let me see morning once again
and then I'll be gone
just as if I've never been
I'll be lying to myself
that my heart is on the mend
and then
I'll be on my way
and then
I'll be on my way

no home

I want to go home
but home doesn't exist 
anymore for me
as far as I can see
I have no home at all

in the twilight zone

I was lost in the twilight zone
in a black and white 1950s TV show
I thought I knew it all
but I didn't know nothing at all
Rod Serling was there on my TV set
puffing on a parliament cigarette
with a Hitchcock blonde
a looker of a living doll

and I didn't know where I was going
and I didn't know where I had been
the only thing I knew was that
I didn't want to go there again
in the twilight zone
in the twilight zone

everything I touch

doesn't matter what I do
it's never good enough for you
everything I touch
is nothing but wrong
doesn't matter what you say
you're gonna say it anyway
the same shit you've been saying all along
everyone's afraid
to be near you
if you're complaining in the forest
can anybody hear you
you say that I'm a such-and-such
but it just
don't matter much
'cause I'm to blame
for everything I touch

I'm a hobo

Hey, man, what's up? 

Not much, farmboy. Just the same old same old. Nothing bad, it's just an average day. How about you?

About the same, really. I just finished supper. I had a can of beans. I'm a hobo.

I guess. Just a can of beans?  

Refried. With hot sauce. My brother and his family went out for sushi, so I was on my own. Too bad. I love sushi.

I know you can't leave the house.

Yeah, I'm on fuckin' house arrest. Actually, they didn't ask me. I'm afraid my days here are numbered. I think they may be getting sick of me.

Did they tell you that, farmboy?

Well, no, but they went out for dinner and didn't leave a note or anything. Or ask me if I wanted anything.  I gotta get walking and climbing stairs and shit. I really don't want to wear out my welcome, you know? I was really afraid that this kind of thing would happen.

I know you were. Do you think that maybe you're misinterpreting this?

Oh, I'm sure I am. I'm always wrong. It's a little habit I have.

Anyway, gotta go, man. I gotta wash my dinner dishes so there's no evidence that I was here. Then I'm going to my room and discreetly smoke weed and isolate myself. (laughs)  I love my self-medicated life.

inside world

damn this inside world
makes me feel like I'm in prison
like I have to ask permission
mind my p's and q's 
seems all day long
I feel I should be on bended knees
saying I'm sorry and thank you, please
tell me the bad news

I want to fly
high
above these walls that hold me in
I wonder why
I 
always lose and never win
I try to see
me
never going back again
then
I'm back in this inside world
back in this inside world
where I don't belong

I swear

it's not that I'm uncivilized
it's not that I don't care
but when my temper starts to rise
I swear

it's like it's wired in me
I don't know how to quit
but when I feel those words within me
holy shit!

I curse like I'm a sailor
like a rock star on the road
I'm the purest form of failure
when it comes to moral code

man, the words that leave my mouth
when I'm feeling pissed
my language all starts heading south
and falls right off the list

modern age

you are living in the modern age
everything is at your fingertips
everything is yours for the asking
as soon as the request
escapes from your lips

welcome to the modern age
you are the center of the universe
all the advertisements are aimed at you
sometimes it's a blessing
most times it's a curse

          press one
          if you know your extension
          press two
          if you need to speak to someone
          press three
          if you want to mention
          I'm feeling the tension
          and it's not any fun

open up for the modern age
all you desire is waiting for you
sign your name and state your number
is it any wonder
that you do what you do

A fuckin' red letter night

Well, man, my brother and his family have gone to Seattle to because my niece is singing the national anthem at a Seattle Mariners game with the school choir from Yakima. So it's just me here, wheelchair and walker and all.

What do you have planned for your big night of freedom, farmboy? 

I ordered out for pizza and I figured I would just watch TV and play guitar. The same old fuckin' shit but it's the good same old fuckin' shit.

You don't order out for pizza all that often, do you?

No, I don't. I haven't for quite a while, actually. Not since the accident. I've been dreaming about this day, man. Lying in hospital beds, fantasizing about the food I'm gonna eat once I'm out of the joint. And speaking of joints, I'm going to smoke weed tonight, too. It's a fuckin' red letter night, I tell you.

You deserve it, farmboy. It's been a long time coming.

Oh man, I've been thinking about this for so fuckin' long. Even though it's not that much different from other nights, except that I haven't ordered out for months, of course. I gave my brother some money and he bought me some weed last week. It's great to be able to smoke it, but I'm not sure I like going back to the every-night thing. I need to find something to replace it for some nights.

It's not bad here at my brother's. I just gotta work hard and do what the therapists direct me to do. I could be going home in a month, man. Imagine that.

this is your life

this is your life
not your father's
or your mother's
or your lover's
or your friend's
this is your life
and it's nobody's business
exactly how the story's
going to end

          pretend your life is a movie
          you won't need no special effects
          you're the star and head writer
          maybe someday you'd like to direct

this is your life
every day's a decision
that might cause your world
to change
this is your life
still you're convinced
the each waking moment's
the same

          pretend your life is a novel
          the paperback kind
          with a plot that nobody but you
          could hope to find

this is your life
tomorrow's another day
to self-criticize
and condemn
this is your life
take it or leave it
it's only here now
it will never be like this again
this is your life

halfway house, take two

caught between freedom and prison
between birth and baptism
that's where I call home
stuck inside 
where temptation can't find me
please don't remind me
of the seeds I've sown

out of one joint
and into the other
I tell you, my brother
I got my doubts
the past is a joke
and the future's a riddle
now I'm stuck in the middle
of this halfway house

         I'm in a halfway house
         I'm in a halfway house
         I'm living in limbo
         in a halfway house

here I ain't losing
here I can't win
the shape I'm in
is a crying shame
I got my own mind
but I'll hear your suggestions
I'm open to questions
at this stage of the game

          in this halfway house
          I'm at home in this halfway house
          I'm taking the high road
          at a halfway house

done my time, learned my lessons
I'm second guessing
every instinct I own
when I walk out this door
I got no way of knowing
if the way I'm going
is the path back home

          or the halfway house
          am I safe inside a halfway house
          maybe you can show me
          in the halfway house
          in a halfway house
         I'm working for my future
         in this halfway house

the invisible man

I am not young
and what that means
is I'm the invisible man
if I am here
I'll disappear
as fast as anything can
I know there is nobody
who will halfway notice me
when the bottom of my hourglass
is filling up with sand
good to meet you
I'm the invisible man

I have no money
and what that means 
is that I'm an invisible guy
my wallet is bare
so no one cares
you're allowed to pass me by
I don't expect much for myself
'cause I ain't worth nothing 
to no one else
I know that there are bigger fish
that you have to fry
remember me?
I'm the invisible guy

this brain

I got this brain
that doesn't know how to quit
I try but I
can't get no sense out of it
now, that brain spins
over and over again
it's got only one track
like a train that won't end
it's driving me insane
this brain
this brain
this brain
says I love you
it won't let you go
this brain
wants the world to know
that you and me
are a perfect pair
like ginger rogers 
and fred astaire
at the hotel charlemange 
this brain
this brain
this brain

this brain
is bound for glory
this brain
says don't ignore me
this brain
tells the age-old story
of loving you
the whole night through

I got this brain
is the same brain as a bird
I admit
that it's a bit absurd
I can't turn it off
I can't make it stop
and on its list, baby
you're on top
it's driving me insane
I don't mean to complain
but it only knows your name
this brain
this brain
this brain

I peed standing up

It's Monday and I've finished my first weekend at my brother's house.

How's it been, farmboy?

Well, it's a transition, you know? Lots of stuff to learn, lots of tiny challenges that feel like big challenges at the time. I peed standing up for the first time today, I took my first shower here. My brother helped me get ready for it, but I've been getting more and more independent with a lot of things.

Excellent, farmboy. Have the therapists visited you yet? 

One has, mostly just to see how I'm doing with all this walking and shit. It went well, very well. She said that my goal of moving back to my apartment in a month or so should be doable. That will be, like, the final transition.

I bet that'll feel good.

I think it'll feel fuckin' great, man. Not that it's bad here. It's not bad, not bad at all. But there's nothing like being in your own place. I want to go home, smoke weed, order pizza, play guitar. Even though, actually, I can do that this weekend when my brother and his wife and daughter go up to Seattle for the weekend.

Party time?

I don't know about that, but it'll be my first real amount of time alone since the accident. I'm really looking forward to it.

It'll probably have some challenges of its own, farmboy.

I'm sure it will. Everything does, especially lately. But I'll be fine. I know what to do in case of an accident. I've been learning stuff for the past three months, you know? It'll be good, man.

halfway house

here I am
not knowing my place
nervous as a hound dog
on the fourth of July
tripping over
my own shoelaces
but I'm here
I'm gonna give it a try
here I am
here at the halfway house

here I am
on the outside
wind blowing through
my disappearing hair
government van
let's take a ride
you gotta get
from here to there
and there you are
here at the halfway house

          will I make it?
          will I fail?
          will good triumph?
          will truth prevail?
          is my future
          back in jail
          or somewhere on the street?

here I am
scared as hell
staring down
my doubts and fears
staring down
a wishing well
hey, what am 
I doing here?
here we are
here at the halfway house
here at the halfway house
here at the halfway house

          

choosing random words on a Kindle

I'm so sorry
go home to get out
the only love to see
if you want it

I'm not going anywhere
I don't want to do it
in this way
first of all of us
the whole lot of you know
I'm so sorry
I'm so sorry I am very interested in my mind
the whole time
for you to know
really good time with
nothing

So this is outside

So I'm here at my brother's house, walking in my walker, using an actual honest-to-God toilet, and there may even be a chance that I'll get to smoke weed tonight. Actually, I'm using a vaporizer, so I don't know if I'm really smoking weed. I'm doing whatever you're doing when you use a vaporizer.

So how's it going, farmboy? Do you feel comfortable there?

Probably more comfortable than I'd feel anywhere else, man. I hate putting people out or asking for favors or needing help of any kind.

What if your brother and his family needed you? What would you do?

I'd help, of course.

So maybe they don't feel as put out as you think.

I know, I know. It's mainly my own feeling of worthlessness or one of those fuckin' human emotions. Pisses me fuckin' off, man. I project a lot.

You do project a lot, farmboy. 

Yeah, I know I do. It's too bad, too. It's not always accurate, you know.

But I'm not doing too badly for, what, seven hours or so. I'm very grateful for being here. It's good to see natural light. The driver wheeled me out to the van to take me here this morning and I thought "So this is outside." Pretty nice, man.

Welcome to the outside world, farmboy.

It's good to be here, man. It's a little scary. But it's good to be here.

That's just my anxious mind

So tonight's my final night in rehab. Tomorrow I go live with my brother and his family for what I hope is a little while. I really just want to go home to my apartment and order pizza and smoke weed, but I'm just gonna have to be patient.

You've had a lot of experience with patience these past few months, farmboy.

No shit, man. I'm so tired of all of this. I'm worried about living with my brother and his family and I'm worried about getting myself uninjured. But, you know, I've been worried about every fuckin' thing during this whole experience, so that's just my anxious mind. All I can do is do my best. and that's what I'm gonna do, man.

You're going to be fine, farmboy. You've accomplished quite a lot so far. I know you're not going to stop now.

Thanks, man. All I can do is try. I really gotta try to not doubt myself. I need to be confident. 

Which is what you should be. You've been taught a good amount of skills and, from what all the information you give me, you've been an excellent student.

What can I say, man? I try, I try.

an honest man

(Thanks to T.R. Ritchie)

this is the life that I've been given
bones and blood and heart and mind
I want to be an honest man
but I'm a creature of the human kind
my heart may break
and I make my mistakes
but the soul somehow survives
hoping when all is said and done
I can say I'm glad I'm alive

when I was a younger man
my poor brain split itself in two
I stared down a razor blade
while I was wondering what to do
all the years of pain
fell like the fiercest rain
and they cut me down to size
I never thought I'd learn to say
I'm glad that I'm alive

          now I shake my head in wonder
          how winter turns to spring
          I remember this friend of mine once said
          "when in doubt 
          do the brave thing"

this is the life that I've been given
good and bad and in-between
I tell myself cliches of comfort
but I'm still not sure just what they mean
after all is spoken
I'm still not broken
though tears fall from my eyes
I hope when all is said and done
I can say I'm glad I'm alive
after everything's been lost and won
I hope I'm glad I'm alive

this is the life that I've been given

disappearing

this is the part I'm not good at
leaving and saying goodbye
I've had a whole lot of practice
but it still brings a tear to my eyes
and it never gets easier
it never gets easier
no matter how hard I try
so forgive me for disappearing
like a ghost in the middle of night

          'cause it hurts too much
          it hurts too much
          to see your face right now
          so forgive me for disappearing
          that's all my heart will allow

That forward direction

So, man, I'm blowing this popsicle stand. I'm getting released from the hoosegow, the pokey. My days at this joint are numbered, I tells ya. 

I presume you're leaving the rehab center. Am I right, farmboy?

Yep, man. I'm gonna go stay at my brother's house for a while. Hopefully it won't be too long until I can go back to the castle of music and weed, but I can't really say when. This whole ordeal has not been necessarily predictable, man. And it's far from over. But this is another chapter that'll be done, and I fuckin' gotta move on, you know?

That's exciting, farmboy. Are you excited?

Kinda. Excited and apprehensive. I hope it's good. I'm used to living alone, even though I've been in rehabs for over two months. I've been around people more these last couple months more than I've been in years.

How was that?

Okay, I guess. I'm so fuckin' weird, man. I seem to require a lot of alone time. I always have. I used to worry about it when I was a kid, but it's just who I am, I guess. This whole life thing is a fuckin' mystery to me, man.

But that's okay. The main thing now is to keep moving ahead, going in that forward direction.

You seem in good spirits about it, farmboy.

I'm also scared shitless, man. I feel like I'm only gonna relax when I'm back in my old apartment. When I can walk without thinking, without being conscious of every step. That's the day I'm looking forward to.

what I have learned

what I have learned
is that it really doesn't matter
it really doesn't matter
what I do or do not do
what I have learned
is that all I do is wrong
and you've known that all along
this is what I've learned from you

me

I don't want to waste
the time that I have left
like I've wasted
my time before now
dreading each morning
chasing impossible dreams
accepting whatever
other people allow
I want to be comfortable
in my body and mind
before I leave
this world behind
I want to be free
to see what I can be
I want to discover
me