Like a fuckin' machine

I am so fuckin' angry right now I don't know what to do. I just took a Klonopin and maybe that will work, but it would surprise me. Nothing ever works. I've smoked so much weed in my life that it barely affects me anymore. Klonopin barely works most of the time. I'm never tired and it's hard to go to sleep. And there's nothing to fuckin' do...We're in this fuckin' pandemic and it's supposed to get worse. I'm lonely and I'm bored and I'm angry. All I ever do is play the same songs day in and day out and I'm tired of being someone who only practices, who never performs, who never gets any attention for my work. And playing is frustrating. I never get any better and I always feel like a fuckin' amateur. I can never eat anything but I never lose weight. So it's denying myself all the time of anything. I am so depressed every day that I just take it for granted that I'm always depressed. I can't catch a fuckin' break. There is nobody around to be with, and I can't be with them anyway because of the fuckin' pandemic. I want to say, please, please help me to get high or feel some joy...make something fuckin' happen! I feel like I can't take another day of this shit. Everything, all the songs I've been writing lately don't work and I'm so fuckin' tired of these songs that I've been playing everyday for I don't know how long now. Something someday has to happen. It has to happen. It's rainy and miserable outside so I can't go for a walk. It's been almost two weeks since I';ve gone grocery shopping and I'm running out of things. I want to go to Trader Joe's but it's raining and it would take two busses and for some reason my brother doesn't seem to go there anymore. Last time he went he only gave me a half-hour warning and I missed it, and he hasn't gone since. I'm so fuckin' tired of eating eggs and tortillas when I get to let myself eat like a normal person. I'm so fuckin' tired of all this shit never changing. Nothing ever changes, no matter how I try. And I try. Every fuckin' day, like a fuckin' machine, but nothing ever happens. Nothing ever happens. I don't get therapy every week anymore because my insurance has changed and I can't afford it. I just stay in this apartment and stay frustrated all the fuckin' time, and there's no end to this, there's no end to this. Something needs to change, but it won't. It won't change.