Some good quality reality

Been depressed, man. Been scary depressed. Fuckin' mental illness, man. Fuck.

Why do you always refer to negative factors in your life as mental illness, farmboy?

Are you serious, man?

I'm just curious about the answer.

Fine. I'm under medication -- two different types -- for depression. One pill for anxiety. I've spent many years seeing therapists and tried many antidepressants. On top of all that I self-medicate with marijuana and food.

And all that is just for starters and I really don't want to give it any more attention today than it's already got.

That's wise.

I hope so. Let's talk about something else, okay?

Fine with me.

Hey, I went to my songwriting group tonight. I didn't have a new song but, fuck, it was good to see music friends, you know. I'm so glad that I went. I've just become super aware that I isolate myself way, way too much. Also, I'm smoking too much weed. I gotta make some changes, man.

You know, I am very proud of you, farmboy.

Where the fuck did that come from?

I just thought you should know.

I appreciate it. I really do, man. I'm being serious.

You know, I was so fuckin' depressed earlier. I laud in bed...um, lay or lie? I always get that stuff mixed up...

Go on. You were depressed...

Yeah. I just stayed in bed and listened to podcasts and fantasized about a woman being compassionate and smoothing my hair and giving me a kiss and then I fall asleep and I feel...I'm not sure...safe? loved? I just don't fuckin' know anymore, man.

Sounds like you needed a little affection, farmboy.

Man, I'm just like a puppy sometimes. I just want affection, attention, that kind of stuff.

Humans want that stuff, too.

Yeah, I know. The fantasizing did make me feel a little better. I hope I have good dreams tonight.

You know, it's okay to fantasize, farmboy.

Yeah. But, man, I would love to not have to rely on my imagination so much. I would like some good quality reality to come my way.

Maybe it is and you're not accepting it.

Isolating myself. Mental illness. These are all factors.

But I also know you're right, and that's what makes life so frustrating.

I bet.

It's really horrible. And sad. Real sad, man.