Priorities, man

I'm sorta depressed, man.

The job situation, farmboy?

Yeah. It never fuckin' stops, you know.

So what's the news?

There is none. I'm just waiting, just like I did yesterday.

I know sometimes when you're depressed you tend to isolate yourself, farmboy. So I have to ask: Did you go outside your apartment today?

(laughs) I said I would yesterday, which is one of the reasons I went out today. It was interesting.

How so?

Well, I went to the library because some books I had requested came in. Then I went to the coffeehouse, just to see people I know. Anyway, I got introduced to this guy who played guitar. So I asked him if he'd play a song for me. And he was amazing. He played in that Chet Atkins style. Nice guy, too. He's done all these things, you know. He played on A Prairie Home Companion, he's played in Nashville, that kind of stuff.

So of course I'm comparing myself even though what I do is completely different. And so I'm feeling, uh...envious, I think. Or jealous. One of those things. Which is an emotion that I'm very uncomfortable with.

farmboy, you're uncomfortable with a lot of emotions. Maybe all. Except self-loathing, maybe. (pauses) I'm being serious here. I hope you don't mind the observation.

I kinda do, but that's okay. It's true. That's why I mind it.

So, I mean, it was all fine. Like, I asked him questions and asked him to play some more songs. His playing was fuckin' great, man. But inside I felt like a failure.

The only good thing about those situations is I know it's my problem, you know? I know it's my own insecurities coming out. Pisses me off. But I'm aware it was nothing this guy did. It's my problem, you know.

I'm glad you know that, farmboy.

Thanks. I'm glad I know that, too.

So it's over now. And what did I learn? Well, in this weird roundabout way, I went back to what I thought a few weeks ago: I need to do stuff to raise my self-esteem and self-worth. Because that jealousy was my low self-image talking, you know? Does that sound crazy?

Not at all.

So now I'm back to that, which is okay. I know I'll have top go back to this lesson every so often. It's just been the last couple days that I felt like this. And that's got to come to an end. 'Cause I've got a fuckin' CD to make, man.

That's right, farmboy.

Priorities, man. Songwriting. Recording. I have to improve my self-image so I can give the music close to what it deserves.

Close?

Music is so wonderful, man, that I can't imagine ever giving it all it truly deserves. I am humbled by music. There's nothing more important in my life.