I dreamed

early this morning 
I dreamed
I met myself
at seventeen
wind in my hair
holes in my jeans
and a sad and troubled mind

That's what I do

The year's almost over, man. This time thing, I don't know…it just seems to be moving faster and faster. I mean, winter break's a little over half way done. By this time next week, I'll be back at my stupid job.

Just don't think about it much, farmboy. Just live for the moment. One day at a time, you know.

I know. It's great to have all this time. I haven't been doing a whole lot. I've been having trouble with my stomach, it just gets sore all the time. I'm taking some meds for it, though. It's just a fuckin' drag, man.

Physical pain is never any fun.

Tell me about it. It fuckin' sucks.

But at least I'm not having to go to work or anything. I've just been sleeping a lot, reading, smoking weed…

Are you high right now, farmboy?

No, believe it or not. I'm trying to cut back a little. It's not good to be stoned all the time. Plus I just can't really afford it.

Have you been playing much guitar?

Not as much as I should, but I have been playing every day. Playing and writing, that's what I do. Every single day.

And that's a good thing?

Oh, yeah, it is. That's my job, that's what I have to do. So I do it. And I'm glad I do, because then I feel like a player and a writer. And that's the goal, right?

luxury of time

give me the luxury of time
I don't need to accomplish 
anything today
whatever happens 
is gonna happen anyway
I don't need some mountain to climb
I need time to think
about nothing at all
except the rain on the roof
as it begins to fall 
maybe I'll find peace of mind
with the luxury of time

quicksand

as I sink deeper and deeper

in the quicksand of my disease

my angels beg for mercy

while my demons 

have their way with me

there is nothing to remember

I have nothing good to say

I just follow the instructions

like a dog

I willfully obey

Favorite recordings of 2013

So you wanna know my favorite recordings of 2013?

Yes. I've been waiting, farmboy.

Okay, here goes:

1. Vampire Weekend -- Modern Vampires in the City

This was my favorite album of the year. I have such good memories of driving around to this during the summer, when life was still hopeful and things hadn't gone bad yet.

2. The National -- Trouble Will Find Me

This is one of those albums that gets better the more you listen to it. I love the textures and the little spots of humor. I also can really relate to the album's title.

3. Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell -- Back When We Were Beautiful

I found the Harris/Crowell album disappointing, but this song is stunning and Emmylou's lead vocal perfectly captures this portrait of an elderly woman.

4. Ry Cooder -- live in Cleveland 1972

This isn't really an album. It's a live solo recording of a radio performance by Ry that I downloaded from the internet. The performance are relaxed and his introductions are fascinating. 

5. Daft Punk w/Pharell -- Get Lucky 

This song is really a throwback, I know, but listen to that guitar!

You know, there's just so much music to be heard, it's just fuckin' impossible to write a list I'm happy with. I mean, I've left off Ry Cooder's new live album. Robbie Fulk's new album, this live one by Alex Chilton where he just plays covers because the electricity went out. Good thing I'm not a critic. 

Anyway, man -- on to next year!

My own selfish education

So I just saw this show on Netflix, this Mike Birbiglia guy. It's called "My Girlfriend's Boyfriend." Man, it was amazing! I want to watch it again, so I can see how the story was constructed. 

Aren't you going to go see him, farmboy?

Next month. I'm really looking forward to it. See, his stuff…it's inspiring, makes me want to work at what I do with songwriting, you know? 

That sounds like a good thing.

Ah, yeah, it's me taking stuff from a talented guy for my own selfish education. I love it when that happens. I like being inspired. I like seeing or hearing or reading something that makes me think "See? There's something else that can be done." I like it when my own self-given boundaries are suddenly moved.

I look forward to hearing these new songs, when they're written.

Oh, man, from your lips to God's ears, you know? I want to hear new songs myself.

time to rest

everything you could do
is what has been done
you put up a good fight
even if the war wasn't won
you made some mistakes
but you tried your best
now it's time to rest
now it's time to rest

broken promises from
those you thought were your friends
you can't hide your stubborn pride
and you never learned to bend
but you listened to your heart
like it sang your last request
now it's time to rest
now it's time to rest

I don't want to panic!

Man, I'm freaking out! Almost all of the presents from Amazon haven't arrived yet! I don't want to panic! What am I gonna do? I can't ruin people's Christmas! What if the presents don't arrive? Why do I always have to screw everything up? This is such a fuckin' drag, man…I want to go to my brother's and have a great time but I can't because I'm stuck here waiting. Why does this always happen to me?

Calm down, farmboy. Be patient. 

But I can't! I'm freaking out!

Take a deep breath…

(farmboy breathes in, holds it for a few moments, then exhales)

Did that help?

A little bit. I sure that UPS truck comes soon, though.

thoughts that are looking for a home

you were supposed to be
my destiny

I am not clicking my heels together
I am following the yellow brick road

maybe
trying to be inspired
is like forcing yourself to fuck
when you can't get it up

if I am my body
and I am my mind
why am I such a stranger
to myself?

this apartment building

footsteps above me
the beeping of a microwave
the mariachi bass
thumping through the wall
a TV playing a game show
a contestant screams
arguments
cursing

this apartment building
crackles with life

and none of us 
knows each other's name
and that's okay
there is no need
we are all strangers
in more ways than one

Good advice, man

Hey! It's winter break! It's finally here and it's about fuckin' time!

Great, farmboy! What are you going to do?

Weed and sleep and fun stuff to eat. That's what it's all about, man. 'Tis the season, you know?

Well, take care of yourself, farmboy. Try to eat some fruits and vegetables. Drink some water and not just coffee. Take some time off smoking once in a while.

That's good advice, man. And I will follow it…tomorrow,

should have been love

there should have been marriage
there should have been children
there should have been love
she didn't know what she wanted
but she knew
it was never enough

born without a heart 2

there's no pounding in my chest
no jumpstarts to my brain
I tried my best but I wound up 
wounded just the same
there's something wrong inside me
and I know where to start
I was born without a heart
I was born without a heart

I look for love to come
but it keeps walking by
me and love, we can't seem
to see eye to eye
my head ain't connected
and my soul's torn apart
I was born without a heart
I was born without a heart

          come and change me
          rearrange me
          ain't it strange we humans are
          placing hope
          on some distant falling star
          over and over again

so take me and shake me
and make me believe
love is a magician
with something up her sleeve
I'm just like the tin man
only not quite as smart
I was born without a heart
I was born without a heart

my annual Christmas nap

I used to hang tinsel on trees
send cards and make wreathes
but now I say
it's all crap
now I have no ambition
my yuletide tradition
is my annual Christmas nap

little kids dream of Santa
up at the north pole
sing like Nat King Cole
I say
enough of that
folks, it's been a ball
but the best fun of all
is my annual Christmas nap

          give me clean sheets
          and a pillow for my head
          and all the time that's allowed
          I mean, nothing beats
          sleep in your own bed
          I'm in the holiday spirit now!

so farewell my friends
time to hit the hay
every gift has been unwrapped
except the best gift of all
in my room down the hall
is my annual Christmas nap
and if you're feeling lonely
you're welcome to join me
in my annual Christmas nap

winter's dark

winter's dark
falls upon this city
like it's ready to close in
and swallow you
whole

I'm an impatient guy

Man, I tell you. Three more days and it's gonna be so fuckin' cool. I can't wait, I tells ya, I need winter break now.

Patience, farmboy, patience. It will come. 

I know, man. It's just kinda the way I am. I'm an impatient guy. But, hey, good things are worth waiting for, right?

That's what they say.

Who is this "they" of which you speak?

I don't know. I was hoping you'd know.

No, I have no idea.

Anyway, I'm just waiting. It'll get here. It'll be cool.

muchacho

she said:
"hold on now, muchacho
don't take one step more
and if you try any macho
shit, you can walk right out the door 
go back to su casa, 
where you came from once before
just stay away from me
muchacho"

all I want for Christmas are antidepressants

give me my credit card
take me to Amazon
I'll buy all the gifts
with the touch of my fingertip
I'll send all the cards
write the personal notes
send a photo attached
with a red and green paper clip
see the wife
the kids
on our trip to Madrid
under lights natural
and fluorescent
it may seem strange
but the truth still remains
all I want for Christmas
are antidepressants

give me wellbutrin
pass me the prozac
wrap them in silver
and tie on a bow
paxil and effexor
lexapro and celexa
will give me the peace
I should rightfully know
too much cheer?
feel like crap?
hunker down for a nap
go ahead
relive adolescence
it may seem weird
but after this year
all I want for Christmas
are antidepressants

so gather up all the children
send them to China
fly my wife to Nebraska
to visit her mom
take out the tree
sell all the gifts
and if they ask you
I've switched to Islam
a gift for me?
please don't buy it
all I need is
peace and quiet
to make me warm
and effervescent
don't be so alarmed at me
just go to the pharmacy
all I want for Christmas
are anti depressants
I wish I may
I wish I might
please give me a Silent Night
all I want for Christmas
are antidepressants

The planning of winter break 2013

One more week at work and then it'll be here: Winter break. It's the most fuckin' wonderful time of the fuckin' year.

Season's greeting to you, farmboy. Anything special going on during the break?

No, just the extreme luxury of hanging around, living la vida loca, you know? I can stay up late, I can sleep late, I can write and play guitar…

Which you do anyway…

Anyhoo, I'm really looking forward to this break. Maybe it'll snow. I love snow when I don't have to go out in it. Which reminds me -- I gotta buy some Irish Cream or some kind of alcohol to put in coffee. It's kind of a tradition, but you know me, man. I only do traditions as long as I want to do them.

Irish Cream is a good tradition, farmboy. It is wonderful in coffee. 

Which reminds me: I need to make sure I have coffee beans. You know, that's the one thing I really don't want to run out of, man.

So welcome to the planning of winter break 2013. Irish Cream and coffee beans. Which reminds me…

Yes?

I gotta make sure I have enough weed for the break. Now that's the one thing I really don't want to run out of. Believe me.

born without a heart

there's no pounding in my chest
no jackhammer jumpstarts to my brain
I tried my level best
but I wound up wounded just the same
there's something wrong inside me
but I've finally found the missing part
I was born without a heart
I was born without a heart

I look for love to come
but it just keeps walking by
me and love
we just can't see eye to eye
my head ain't connected
and my soul keeps coming apart
I was born without a heart
I was born without a heart

          come and change me
          rearrange me
          ain't it strange we humans are
          always placing hope
          on some distant falling star
          over and over again

Lots of little moments

Hey, man, it's December 12! I got stuff to get done! I gotta buy a shitload of meaningless presents that I can't afford to give to people I could care less about! I gotta design handmade holiday cards and put a personalized note in each one! I gotta bake! I need to carry on my family's tradition of making tamales! I gotta learn a bunch of Christmas music! And what about Hanukkah and Kwanzaa? What about Festivus, for God's sake?

You are putting me on, aren't you, farmboy?

Well, yeah. 

I gotta tell you, though, I really love Christmas. I love the nativity scenes and the lights and the choral music. I love to fuckin' hear Nat King Cole and Dean Martin. And I do love Christmas tamales.

So you're looking forward to this Christmas?

Yeah. I am. But it's not this frantic running around thing, you know. It's calmer, it's quieter and it's probably made up of lots of little moments.

Sounds nice, farmboy.

It is. I spend it at my brother's place. You're invited for tamales, by the way.

blessings, take two

tonight I am thinking of old friends
the ones that I hardly ever see
I'm hoping they know I am grateful
for the blessings they gave to me
the icy nights
smoking under streetlights
dreaming like little kids in school
back when we believed in each other
and didn't know that father time was cruel

blessings

tonight I am thinking of old friends
the ones that I don't ever see
I hope they all know I remember
the blessings they brought to me
the cold nights
we smoked under streetlights
we dreamed like young children in school
back when we all believed in each other
and didn't know what old father time knew

I'm a fuckin' walking advertisement

Hey, man, good to hear from you. 

What have you been up to, farmboy?

Not much. Waiting to see if it's gonna snow. I hope so. I want a snow day. 

I'm feeling so fuckin' relaxed, man. I've been listening to this piano stuff written by Eric Satie. It's beautiful stuff. It actually relaxes me. There's not much music that does that. That ambient stuff that Brian Eno does, that'll help me sleep. And I mean that in a good way. I fuckin' love Brian Eno, you know, Music for Airports, that kind of thing.

Maybe you should check out some Eric Satie from the public library.

Oh, believe me, man, I will. I'm a fuckin' walking advertisement for the guy.

Man, I can't wait until I can figure out some way to get an iPod. Mine broke, you know. Fuckin' sucks, dude. No more lying in bed and listening to podcasts. It's classical radio now. That's how I heard of this Satie guy.

Well, that's something good that's come out of a broken iPod.

Yeah. Hopefully I'll find more music I like. That would be something good.

So I've been inside

I haven't been outside all day, man. I been staying indoors, it's so fuckin' cold.

What's the temperature right now, farmboy?

Hold on, let me look at the weather. (farmboy goes to the computer and looks up the weather)  It's 22 degrees, which is cold for me. So I've been inside, smoking weed and looking at porn on the computer.

Like a huge percentage of the American male population today, I'm sure.

Hey! At least my porn is somewhat…classy, you know?

So…back to the weather…

It's so fuckin' cold, man! If it's gonna be this cold, it should snow so I'd be off work and it would be pretty. I love looking at snow, you know? 

You know, it's times like this when I realize how fortunate I am to live where there's heat, where's there's food. I have people who love me. I got music.

I got rhythm?

Who could fuckin' ask for anything more, man?

Juab County

I look for you
amid the stars
I am staying at a state park
in western Utah
I'm sleeping
in my car
doing my best attempt
to learn how to be an outlaw
I try not
to think of you
but you're in every mile
on this godforsaken road
and I don't know
what to do
it's like a rushing river
when its banks have overflowed
so ride with me
if you must
through the dust
of Juab County

static

I need to focus
I need to concentrate
I gotta use my mind
this time
and I can't hesitate
I gotta
know what to say
night and day
day and night
I gotta make sure
it's all pure
I gotta get it right

but I got static in my brain
and it's driving me insane
no matter what I do
I'm telling you
it's making its entrance
right on cue
all I got is static coming through

So I'm going

So guess what I did?

You ran the New York Marathon? You dreamed of Africa? You walked to the market and back home again? You felt like a seed on the wind? You swam…

What the fuck are you talking about?

I don't know, farmboy. What did you do?

Now I don't want to tell you.

Please, farmboy? I really do want to know.

So I bought a ticket to see this comedian whose work I really love. His name is Mike Birbiglia, and he's kind of a storyteller in a way. He's on This American Life sometimes.

Can I ask how much it cost?

$32.50. Well, plus fees, but I ain't gonna talk about that. This is something I know that I would regret if I didn't go. So I'm going. I never go fuckin' anywhere and I've been working a lot. This is my Christmas present to myself.

Well, then, merry Christmas!

Thanks. You too, man.

shake you off

like sand between my toes
like dirt upon my hands
I try to shake you off
but I don't know if I can
if I can shake you off 
then I can let you go
but then I will have to stand alone

but I am good at solitude
and I know that I will live
but I won't forget
and I never will forgive
but if I can forgive you
and finally say farewell
maybe I can forgive myself

When I'm not looking

So I want to write, you know, so I look around for inspiration or an idea or whatever and it never comes. But when I'm not looking, that's when it appears.

Profound, farmboy. Very profound.

Fuck you, asshole.

I'm sorry. I know you're being serious.

Nah, I'm just playing with you. 

And, by the way, it's not all that profound because I don't know what any of this fuckin' means. Yeah, I get inspired or whatever without looking for it, but so what? I mean, what does this mean? Like I should just live my life and let my subconscious do its work?

What do you think, farmboy?

Umm, yeah. I guess so.

You're a smart guy, farmboy. Try trusting your own intellect for a while.

Man, I'm in trouble now.

empty

I'm empty
I tell myself
but I'm lying
there's a whole universe
for me to explore in writing

I tell myself I'm empty
but I just don't know
what I want
to communicate
maybe I don't need to
communicate anything
maybe I'm lazy
maybe I'm just tired

and maybe that's okay
for now
except
I need the practice

always starting over

always starting over
reinventing the wheel
over and over again
always second guessing
never learning the lesson
of how I can comprehend

both eyes open

next time I'm falling in love
I'm going in
with both eyes open
so I can see
what's going on with me
when my heart gives me a shove
I'm moving in
both eyes open
so I can see
the danger
right in front of me

Didn't do a fuckin' thing

Day after Thanksgiving, man. Didn't do a fuckin' thing today.

I know that's not true, farmboy. You got up. Did you play guitar?

Yeah. I always play first thing in the morning. You know that.

Did you play "Popword" on the Internet?

Yeah. But I always do that.

I mean, I didn't do one constructive thing today.

Not even buy groceries?

Oh, yeah, you're right there, man. I did go out, spent $26 on food things. I bought two packages of tofu, I'll have you know. I bought celery, I bought cereal.

Chips?

No chips. Thank God. Gotta stay away from chips.

So what are you doing tonight, farmboy?

Nothin', man. But I'm not eating chips. And that's something.

The usual suspects

Thanksgiving, man. It's, like, the perfect holiday. No gifts, great food, family, friends, what have you. I mean, it's not really much of a consumerist holiday, you know?

It's one of my favorite holidays, farmboy. What are you thankful for?

The usual suspects: food, shelter, health, family, friends…music. Always music. I'm thankful for getting through things. There are many good things in my life, man. Now that I'm past the latest financial hump a little bit, life feels good. I'm not fuckin' taking it for granted, man.

I know you're not, farmboy. I think you're thankful a good deal of the time. 

I hope I am.

You are.

Well, then…good. I'm glad. I really am grateful. In many ways, I have had a blessed life. I need to have that perspective more, I think. Anyway, it wouldn't hurt.

I'm glad we have a holiday to pause and be thankful for what we have. I mean, I know that's corny and shit but I…that's how I feel. 

I do, too.

One more reason we're friends, man.

on Belmont Street

on Belmont Street
east side of town
parking lot
rain pouring down
away from the street light
where no one can see
the stranger was armed
and waiting for me

and me,
I was walking
home after work
my spirit was tired
my lungs cried for thirst
I was ready for supper
I was ready for bed
but I was not ready
for what happened instead

son to a father

my name's Willie Rodriguez
and I was a little bitty kid
when I lost my father
on a ash-gray winter morning
I was the family's little man
I don't remember what I did
like I never was
a son to a father

the outside me

I know who I am
on the inside
I know the outside me
is a liar
making no sense
in self-defense
adding fuel to the fire
I don't know where I'm going
but I know where I've been
and one thing's for sure
I'm taking the cure
and I will not see
and I will not be
the outside me
ever again

with my evil twin

I'm having a fight 
with my evil twin
and though I use all my might
I don't know if I'll win
'cause it's not all black
and it's not all white
and that's not something
either one of us likes

I'm always at war
with my evil twin
I tell you, friend,
where to begin
'cause I don't know 
I don't have a clue
what caused my mind
to split in two

          I've had therapy
          drugs were there for me
          I don't care, you see
          what I must do
          all I know as fact
          this sad balancing act
          always alert for attack
          it can't be true

I'm exhausted from this fight
with my evil twin
but it seems as addictive
as love or heroin
but here we keep moving
and here we stand still
each with our pride
and our own free will

Hand me the razor blade, I'm done here

It's so fuckin' hard to be a human individual, man. Life would be so much easier is the answers and the questions were all "one size fits all," you know?

Ah, but it wouldn't be so interesting, would it, farmboy?

I suppose not. Maybe. Music would suffer if the world was perfect. Can you imagine nothing but happy songs? Man, hand me the razor blade, I'm done here.

Come on, farmboy. You know that there are plenty of good songs that just happen to be happy.

Yeah? Name one.

"Take Me Home, Country Roads" by John Denver.

Oh puh-leez. You can do better that that.

"Dancing Queen" by Abba.

Well, look, the conflict in both those songs is that they're fantasies of the singer. This guy singing "Country Roads" probably works a dead-end job in some hell-hole like Phoenix, you know? He wants to go home.

With the singers in Abba -- the two women, anyway -- well, they're living for that moment when they're dancing in the club. That's where they're fuckin' dancing queens. That's not their character's everyday life. Pretty mundane, just like my life, in a way.

Okay. "Tequila" by the Champs.

Well, okay, there you go. Score one for Mr. Interviewer Sir.

You mean I'm right?

I hate to admit it. 

as for forgiveness:

as for forgiveness:
maybe someday I will
but I think
it's going to take a long long time
I'm positive
I will think about you still
but right now 
you are not welcome
in this heart of mine

maybe I'll forgive you
maybe I won't
it doesn't matter very much to me
I hope that I forgive you
but excuse me if I don't
all we can do is
wait and see

for my sake
hopefully it will happen

Real bad

Bad day. 

Bad?

Real bad.

What's going on, farmboy?

Oh, man, another fuckin' rejection by fuckin' music people. It's still too raw, man. I really don't want to talk about it. I just want to self-medicate and let my subconscious do the stuff it will do. Then I'll just be there on the other side.

You know where I am, farmboy. Call me if you need to talk.

Thanks.

Now it's off to weed- and food-land.

rewriting my history

I edit and I polish
but I just can't make it work
I cut and paste
my verbal waste
until I go berserk
there's a world out there
but it will have to wait for me
I'm busy
rewriting my history

I tell myself stories
of a happy childhood
memories of
that special love
that's not misunderstood
I know I stretch the truth a bit
but that's just creativity
I'm merely
rewriting my history

          I've photoshopped the polaroids
          until nothing looks the same
          autobiographical fiction
          is my addiction to be claimed

so please excuse the typos
each fingerprint and smudge
and if you find
I've lost my mind
don't be one to judge
it's only me escaping
the hand that life dealt me
can't you see
I'm rewriting my history
look at me...

in this town

in this town
the stoplights almost never turn green
in this town
people drive like they're on thorazine 

$52.07

Man, let me tell you, I made some money this weekend playing music. So I went out today and spent a bunch of it.

How much do you consider a "bunch," farmboy?

$52.07.

That's it? What did you buy?

I put twenty dollars in my truck's gas tank and spent $32.07 on groceries, It was fuckin' great, man! I bought toilet paper and two chickens -- 79 cents a pound -- and garbage bags and a bagel and some cream cheese and a few bananas and…

I get  the idea, farmboy. Congratulations.

Yeah, I'm happy. I mean, I realize that most of it is, like, non-food stuff, but it's stuff I needed to buy.

Yes, toilet paper is pretty important.

Damn right, man. I bought a fuckin' 12-pack, man.

old friend Sam

my old friend Sam
lives up the road
he's a good, good man
my neighbor Sam
grows the best weed
in this land
hot damn
my old friend Sam

finger-pick haiku

I need no reason
to finger-pick my guitar
it is destiny

I love that guitar

The weekend's here, I've got weed, I've paid off a couple debts that have been worrying the fuckin' crap out of me, there's takeout Chinese food and Diet Pepsi…life is good.

Glad to hear it, farmboy. Congratulations on paying off the debts.

Oh, man, I thought I was gonna have to sell my resonator guitar. I am so fuckin' thankful that I don't have to. I love that guitar. You know, I don't play slide all that well, but I love playing it.

Yeah, I've heard you play that country blues stuff. Hank Williams, Jimmie Rodgers, those people.

Fuck, man, I love that kind of music. I'm not good enough to perform on the slide guitar, though. Hopefully someday.

Probably with your own songs, farmboy.

Yeah. That's something to work towards.

static from headphones

static from headphones 
ambient buzz in my ears
turn up the volume

I hear too much
know too much
but I still keep listening 

knowing the perfect song
is out there 
somewhere

Good company

Listen, not to complain, but…

You're going to complain. Go ahead, farmboy.

Fuckin' asshole. Whaddya mean "You're going to complain?"

That's the kind of thing people say before they're about to do something. You know, "Not  to criticize, but," or "I'm not racist, but." Or the famous "No offense, but."

Oh, I see. Yeah, people do that shit. And now I'm one of those people.

We're all those people, farmboy.

Even you, man?

Even me.

Well…I guess I'm in good company…

What do you want to complain about?

Never fuckin' mind, man.

empty heart

I'm just a stranger
looking into an empty heart
and realizing
that it belongs to me

you can have it
if you want