Like morphine

I'm so tired of this. Every time I talk to you I'm always complaining. And I hate to do that. But it's all so fuckin' true: Nothing ever changes. 

I just got back from my daily fuckin' walk so I can appease the fuckin' Fitbit gods. Every fuckin' day I go out and walk and when is it going to do something? What, exactly, is this meditation stuff supposed to do for me? It doesn't seem like much and I've been doing it for over two years. Practicing? Every fuckin' day I sing and play and write and I don't have anybody to hear. My life is so fucked up.

I need some fuckin' attention sometimes. I need some kind of affection sometimes. I need to not be alone so fuckin' much, but my friends have disappeared and there are no new friends to be found. It's just me, fuckin' alone all the time, getting sadder and angrier. 

So what the fuck am I gonna do? Make some changes? I've made plenty of fuckin' changes these past three years, and none of it ever matters. It's so fuckin' hard, this working all the time for nothing. Nothing. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Kill myself? Maybe that would be best. Maybe that would be better than this day-in, day-out burning sense of frustration and anger, and, yes, hatred. I have hatred just coursing through my veins right now like morphine.

Goddamn it. All I do is take medications. I have a whole array of drugs for my so-called fuckin' mental condition. I feel like I should Klonopin like it's fuckin' popcorn, that's how fuckin' badly I need it. I'm always on the fuckin' edge. I am always depressed. There's never a moment without it. It's just me, putting on a front so I don't let too much out. Gotta appear to be a normal person, especially since everybody has to tell me about all the fuckin' wonderful things that are going on in their lives. 

Musically speaking, at least I have new songs that I'm interested in playing. So that's one really good thing in my life. It's just fuckin' unfortunate that nobody will ever hear these songs. It's really unfortunate that nobody even fuckin' wants to hear them. I may as well be mute.

Well, fuck, I guess I'll go on about my day. I'm sure it's going to be full of really great surprises and adventures. Maybe I'll fuckin' see about not eating, or playing music nobody will hear, or seeing friends that I don't have. Maybe new stuff will fuck up! It wouldn't be the fuckin' first time. Every fuckin' day has its inevitable fuck-ups. I just have a whole lot more than most people I run into.

Fuck this shit. Give me a fuckin' gun with a shitload of bullets. That'll stop the fuckin' pain of this living. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares anyway.