So far, so good

You know, I just wanted to let you know that life has been pretty even lately. No big ups or downs, no cursing at God about my rotten luck, no calls to suicide prevention. Of course, I did see my psychiatrist Monday and I ended up in tears because my life is sad and depressing. But for the last few days...so far, so good.

And what do you attribute this to, farmboy?

I have so fuckin' clue, man. And -- I gotta tell you this before I go on -- it's not like I'm happy. As I said, my life is sad and depressing, and that kind of goes without saying. It's just that there are no major swings in mood, or at least there hasn't been in the last few days. It's such a relief.

Actually, one thing that may contribute to this new feeling or lack of feelings might just be because I was busier than usual and had human contact. I think, for me, the main plan of attack for this depression stuff is action. When I take action, that's when things start to get better. I don't feel so out of control. I gotta remember this.

What have you been busy with?

Improving my life, basically. There's these main things I have to do in order to feel useful...well, it's more than just feeling useful. There's the satisfaction that I get sometimes for working hard. But, anyway, I write every day. I walk, you know, I get some exercise. I practice music, I try to eat well. When all goes right, I track my eating on an app. I don't do so well sometimes. But at least I try.

I can see where all these things can help. I like that you're doing them in spite of the depression that you feel. How's that going, farmboy?

It's hard sometimes. I would be able to accomplish so much if it wasn't for the fuckin' depression. I go to therapy, I'm taking medications. A lot of medications, if you ask me. It's remarkable to me how many meds I take for depression. Effexor, Wellbutrin, Klonopin...and there's still more. Not to mention the weed that I inhale. This depression stuff is fuckin' wicked. 

But, you know, I'm still going. I try to do the things that need to get done, and when they're not, hopefully at least I've tried and can forgive myself. That's a hard one, too, forgiving yourself.

Man, thank you so much for listening to my rambling. I don't say it enough: I appreciate you listening. Thank you.