I can't fuckin' win for losing

I am so depressed.

Again? You were depressed the last time we talked, farmboy. Are you off your medication?

Uh...In a way, yes, I'm, off my fuckin' medication.

Meaning...?

I'm out of weed. I've been out for over a week and I'm just sad all the fuckin' time. Which, I know, means that I'm fuckin' psychologically addicted.

That's true.

I fuckin' know it's true. And it's okay. That's the way it is. But I still want some weed. I wish somebody would just hand me a joint and then I'll go without smoking till Sunday, which is the day I can get some more.

But let me tell you, man, life is good and bad. I've been playing and singing and making some money and seeing friends, which is good. I went to that amazing songwriting camp.  But I'm also not going to my family reunion, which bums me out beyond belief, and I don't have any weed to help me relax.

Fuck.

This is temporary, farmboy.

Life is temporary, man. But I know what you mean. But sometimes I lose hope, like I'll always be poor and I'll never get the main thing I want, which is to be a full-time musician. The constant money problems, man...

That's got to be tiring. Ever since I've known you, you've always had financial worries. You must be exhausted.

I am. I can't fuckin' win for losing, man. You know this. Things are okay, the fuckin' insurance company raises their rates so more money is taken out of my paycheck. Everything goes up, everything. Except, of course, my salary, which goes down.

Do me a favor, okay?

Sure. What?

Let me enter self-pity/victim mode. Just for a minute. 

Go ahead. Just as long as you're aware of it.

Thanks.

I feel like it's always gonna be hard. I feel like I'm just powerless. Which I'm not, I know, but I'm getting so fuckin' sick of feeling that way. I feel like nobody's ever gonna hear my music or care about my music. I feel like I'm fuckin' doing everything in vain, and that I'm just one step away from disaster. I feel like I have to constantly be on guard.

I feel like I'm always gonna be alone. I don't mean I have to get married or something stupid like that. But, fuck, I would like to not have to be so fuckin' alone all the time. I wish I knew people I could see that I could go out and have fun with. But you know the moment that happens that I'm only gonna isolate myself again.

And music. I fuckin' love music, but man, I need to have some successes in writing. I'm not talking external successes like money and gigs and fans (though that would be nice too, believe me). I'm talking writing some songs that I actually like instead of just working on it all the fuckin' time. I write every fuckin' day, I play every day. I fuckin' work at this stuff. This is my fuckin' life, man. Can't I create something that I like.

So, weed. I feel like I'm a pressure cooker about to blow up, and just one night of smoking weed would help alleviate a lot of that pressure. I feel like I'd be able to fuckin' breathe, man.
But I don't have any and I don't have the money anyway and blah blah blah.

Okay, I'm finished, I'm out of it. Thanks for listening.

Any time, farmboy. Now, let me ask you a question: How are you, right now?

Fuckin' miserable, man. I am a very unhappy guy. I've been unhappy for a long time. I keep trying to get out of it, I really do. But, fuck, I feel like a fuckin' mouse in a maze that keeps running into brick walls.

Basically, I've been depressed for the past twelve years. Seriously. There are little spots of happiness but mainly I'm just fuckin' depressed.

You know, I heard last week from somewhere that the problem with depression is that you don't see the good stuff, you only see the bad. And that's true with me a lot of the time. But I know the good exists. I have friends, I have music, I have a roof over my head, family. But I'm just always depressed. I take the pills and they help me function, but shit....

Anyway, seriously, thanks for listening, man. I'm thankful for you, too.

Sure, farmboy. I wish I could help more.

Yeah? I just wish you had some weed. Just a little, for tonight.