Nobody can hear me

(farmboy is crying, big sobs, and is having problems catching his breath)

So what has happened is that I had to make this humiliating phone call to my brother in California where I asked to borrow $200 for food and gas for the month. But he's forgotten and I don't know what to do. My job is fucked and just getting worse and I don't have any way to contact anyone since my phone is lost and I can't find it anywhere. 

Everything is bad. 

I don't know what to do and so I do what I do, which is hurt myself. I start hitting myself, banging my fist against my head. There's no fuckin' relief. The only relief I have is to hurt myself and to think about suicide, because that relieves the pressure.

So this time, for the first time, I hit myself so hard that I drew blood.

farmboy...

Don't talk to me, man, 'cause I can't handle it. I'm gonna start crying if you do.

You're already crying, farmboy.

Please don't call me by my name. Please don't talk to me. I'm sorry.

What are you sorry for?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm stupid and I'm sorry. I am so fuckin' stupid to think I even had a chance. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

farmboy!

I should have been drowned when I was a child. Like a fuckin' deformed puppy.

Listen, farmboy...

This always fuckin' happens. I never learn anything. I'm so fuckin' stupid. 

You know, my father used to compare me with this...mentally retarded guy in my hometown. I remember he did it right before I had to go perform. And he was fuckin' right, you know.

farmboy, I'm happy to talk to you. But you need a professional. Is there anybody you can talk to? There's a nationwide suicide hotline...

I don't have a fuckin' phone.

My life is just a series of...I don't know, ironies. I don't know if that's the term. I'm so fuckin' stupid.

I can't afford prescriptions because my health insurance is so high that I can't pay the copayments. I can't call anybody. I can't afford counseling. I pray and pray and pray and pray and it doesn't fuckin' work. I'm so fuckin' alone here. I don't know what I can do. Nobody can hear me.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Stop, farmboy.

Okay, you should leave me, too. I don't mean that in a mean way. I mean you...I don't know what I fuckin' mean. All I know is that I don't know what follows this. Do I go back to hurting myself? There's no fuckin' escape, man. There ain't nobody that's gonna come to my door and give me a hug and a check to make these problems go away. I keep saying "Help me," and nothing happens.

I can't do this any more. I just don't know what to do. And this always happens, and it happens more and more and more and more and it keeps happening. 

What keeps happening, farmboy?

Nobody can hear me. I'm, like, in a complete vacuum here. It's solitary confinement. And I must deserve it. I'm being punished.

For what?

For being stupid, man. For being retarded.

Please stop, farmboy. You're overreacting...

Yeah? Well, fuck you, asshole!

farmboy...

You're just like everybody else. Look at my life, man. I'm all alone here. I can't even have a fuckin' dog, for chrissakes. Look at me. What a fuckin' waste of skin I am. I don't know what comes next, except that it will fuckin' include doing harm to myself in one way or another. 

I'll probably just spend the rest of the day thinking about suicide, 'cause that's what I do, 'cause I'm too much of a fuckin' coward to kill myself. Which I should have done when I was a child. Fuck, I was a stupid and ugly child. I couldn't even ride a fuckin' bike. Did I ever tell you that? I was just fuckin' born wrong.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. There is no relief. And no matter what I do, nobody can ever hear me.

I'm sorry, man. You shouldn't have to hear any of this.

Well, farmboy...

Please leave. Please let me have some fuckin' dignity.

Call me if you...

Please leave here. Just leave, okay? I can't handle your kindness right now. I know you mean well, but I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm sorry. 

Listen, farmboy, I think...

JUST GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, OKAY? I always have to be alone anyway. Just get out. Get the fuck out of my life. K can't handle it, okay? 'm being as nice as I can possibly be. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Call me...

Leave me alone, man.  I obviously don't deserve any compassion. The pressure is building up and I don't fuckin' want anyone to see me like this. I'm fuckin' sorry, okay? Leave me alone so I can do what I do.

Which is hurt yourself...

Get away from me! For your own good. I ain't kidding, man. Get the fuck away from me. Just get the fuck away, man.