eggshells

I am so tired 
of having to walk on eggshells
when there is nobody else around
but myself

human haiku

I am astounded
what we do to each other
we human beings

The fuck-ups of being Mike Birbiglia

So I went to see this comedian Mike Birbiglia last Friday, did I tell you?

You said you were going; in fact, you were on your way out that night when we talked. How was he? I saw that he added a show.

He was fuckin' great. I was amazed at how comfortable he seemed, from the very beginning. He's quite a performer. The show was basically about the fuck-ups of being Mike Birbiglia and the humor in those fuck-ups. I don't know if fuck-up is really the word, though. It's more like the situations he found himself in.

I really like his performance style, the way he relates to his audience from the very first step he takes on stage. It makes me think about my performance style and what I'd like to achieve. I'd like to focus on that more. I want to be a really good performer. I don't mean that I want to perform like Birbiglia or Richard Pryor and any of the people I admire. I want to be myself onstage -- and be the best performer I can be with that.

You'll get there, farmboy. You're on your way.

I'm working at it, I tell you. 

Pete Seeger: Music belongs to everybody

Pete Seeger died, man. This is the day that I've been dreading.

But it's weird. Even though I'm sad, I'm also really aware how incredibly fortunate I have 

been to have been aware of him, to have learned from his work. It's from him that I learned my musical philosophy, that music belongs to everybody and we all have a right to music.

Pete Seeger lived a legendary life, like many of us. I remember, years ago, watching a documentary on him the was broadcasted by PBS. With everything that has happened in his life, the thing that struck me the most was how alive he became when he played and sang. It all came down to the music. He had his priorities straight.

So, Pete, many songs for you, always. 

flyover states

I was hitchhiking through the flyover states
when a truck came by by with no license plates
and this voice said:
"hey, man, you're not looking so great
let me give you a lift"

you and that guy again

I can hear you yell
out in the parking lot
I'm hoping it's your TV
but I know it's not
it's you and that guy again
the one from the night before
and I just hope he's not 
more than you bargained for

I'm the next-door neighbor
and I know it's not my business
but I gotta tell you
it's hard to be the witness
it's you and that guy again
the one from the night before
one night you send him packing
next night he's coming back for more

I'm the man you're needing
I'm the one that's right
I can turn your monday morning into
saturday night 
you and that guy again
the one from the night before
you think you've got it made
but I know a whole lot more

          *                    *                    *

This ain't no kind of excuse or nothing, but I'm just kinda exploring here, man. I'm not sure at all where this is going, so if I keep working on it I may be trying all sorts of things. I'm using that last verse right now as kind of a "surprise" ending, but I haven't thought about it much. If I find that I'm thinking about it and working on it, it could be lots of things.

I'm intrigued by this, farmboy. It's like you're "discovering" the song.

That's exactly right, man. You're fuckin' brilliant, you know that?

      

if I were you

if I were you
I'd tell you what I would do
if I was in your shoes
I'd be attracted to me
if I were you
I'd be using all my charms
I'd be holding out my arms
that's what I would do
if I were you

if you were me
I'd be a-waiting, darlin', 
can't you see
there's no place I would rather be
except for being here with you
if you were me
I'd be rewriting all my history
cultivate a little mystery
leaving bread crumbs as the clue
if I were you

          I think we should be an "us"
          let's put that on our list
          of what we might discuss

If I were you
I'd be looking for someone
to follow through
when all is done
and the day is through
that's what I'd do
if I were you

Comedian guy Mike Birbiglia

Hey! I only have a couple minutes, man. I'm taking the bus to see this comedian guy Mike Birbiglia downtown.

That's the show you've been looking forward to, right, farmboy?

That's it! It's been such a long fuckin' time since I've been to, like, a show in a actual theater rather than a coffeehouse or something. Which is great, of course. I'm just a little tentative like I always am.

You'll do fine, farmboy. Have a great time.

I will, man. I'll let you know how it goes.

run to me

would you run to me
if I was falling
'cause, babe, I'm falling
deeper every day
I used to run and walk
but now I'm crawling
and I can't get out
of my own way

farmboy talks to god

I've seen too many movies
read too many books
watched too many tv shows
and took a second look
sang too many songs
that I did not believe
and now it's time to leave

all the hours I have wasted
feeling sorry for myself
all that time spent wishing
that I was someone else
all those days I questioned
all those things I couldn't know
and now it's time to go

          just get me through
         this lost and lonely night
         give me a second chance
         and I will get it right

I can reach potential
I know I can
if I can live I'll become
a a good and decent man 
I'll be better here 
than in kingdom come
I can be
someone

I've seen too many movies
read too many books
known too many people
who let me off the hook
held too many grudges
and here's the hardest part:
what about my broken heart?
are you sure it's time to go?
is it really time to leave?
give me a second chance
and I will get it right
I will get it right...

Oh, I don't want to go to extremes or anything

Man, it feels so much colder than what it actually is.

Which is?

Let's see… (farmboy checks the local weather on the computer)

41 degrees. I mean, that's not that cold. I feel stupid turning on the heater at 41 degrees, you know?

Why don't you go put on a sweater or something, farmboy.

Oh, I don't want to go to extremes or anything. (farmboy laughs)

Man, I can't fuckin' wait for summer to get here. I gotta work to make it a good summer. I gotta find employment, I gotta find gigs, I want to go to California. There's a lot to plan and a lot to work towards.

Let me know if I can help in any way.

I will, thanks. I may need you. I have got to be…well, successful this summer.

You can accomplish that, farmboy.

Oh, man, I better. I don't want to feel like a loser anymore.

my turn

I grew up too fast
I was above reproach
I longed to fly first class
instead I sat in coach
I shut my eyes
and shared the blame
I waited for my turn
but it never came
it never came

I drew my name in sand
by the light of the moon
wanted to join the band
but I was out of tune
scaled high peaks
in yosemite
looking for 
the remedy
the remedy

I've been driving fast
past the county line
I been drinking baby's
bluebird wine
I been sleeping 
in my shoes
fighting to be
anyone I choose
how the fuck could I lose?

gimme a pigfoot
and I bottle of beer
I'll find my own way
out of here
either way
it's just a game
I waited for my turn
it never came

This is just some free writing, man. Just whatever came to mind. I stole some ideas from Rodney Crowell and Bessie Smith.

That's an interesting pair, farmboy.

Ain't it? Writing is so fuckin' weird, man.

native tongue

I was never old
yet I was never young
bitter words
became my native tongue
I raise my voice:
"what have I done
to deserve to be treated 
this way?"

one percenter

I want to know
how the one percent lives
I want to
try it for a year
pay off all my credit cards
make the mortgage disappear
I want to know
what it feels like
to get what you want
and how
I want to be
a one percenter
right now

shirt off and sandals

I want to just live for a while
be calm and lie in the cool spring grass
shirt off and sandals
no aches or pains
or worries or fears
just a ocean breeze
and the pure blue sky

In its own small way

I hurt my shoulder, man. At work. Pisses me off. I don't want to tell the powers that be because they might cast me off to some fuckin' mind-numbing desk job and I hate that kind of thing. Not that I've done it much.

I know what you mean, farmboy. Those jobs can be mighty depressing. It's just the same old thing, day in and day out.

I mean, my job is the same old thing all the time, but at least it's active and at least I'm doing something that contributes to the world in its own small way.

There's a lot to be said for that, farmboy. 

Yeah. I could be working at a nuclear power plant or something, you know? And it's not like what I do is anything special. I'm just fortunate enough to work at a job that falls somewhere on the "good" side of the spectrum. And that also doesn't mean that I even like my job. Fuck, I'd quit it in a second if I was independently financially stable. I mean, I'm looking at going into a three-day weekend after work gets out tomorrow, and I can't wait.

Butt lets not talk about work, okay?

Fine. What are you going to do about your shoulder?

Ever hear of medical marijuana?

farmboy, I don't think marijuana's considered medical for a shoulder injury.

Yeah, well, my shoulder doesn't have to know that.

square one

here I go again
like I always do
starting over
when I thought I was through
with all the questions
with all the lies
anything I can do
to cut myself down to size
but that's not it
I ain't done
somehow I'm still holding
the smoking gun
I'm always going back
to square one

glad this day is over

I woke up
I went to work
then I went home
and got in bed
and said
I'm glad this day is over
24 hours
every day
is not what I wanted
I'm glad this day is over
what a fuckin' waste
I ain't even gonna go there
walking in my shoes
on my way to nowhere
I'm very glad this day
is over

I'm back on it, man

It's Monday, man. Another fuckin' week begins. However, there's a three-day weekend waiting at the end. And that, my friend, makes this week a lot more tolerable, I tell you.

I bet it does, farmboy. I know it gets hard sometimes. 

And I have it a lot better than a lot of people. I do good work at my job -- I mean, it's the kind of job you can feel good about.

But enough about that. I hate talking about work when I'm not at work. I'm at home, and home should be about music.

So what have you listened to today?

I listened to this CD I got for Christmas by Robbie Fulks. He's a bluegrass/country guy with a sense of humor and a wonderful voice. I like this album. The arrangements are good and simple, and the songs are good. I could learn a lot from this CD. There are some things I like about it that I can use on my upcoming CD.

Which is coming out when?

I'm working on having it come out in June or July. I'm back on it, man. Wish me luck.

Good luck, farmboy. But I think you'll do fine just working hard.

I can do that, man. I've done it before.

too many movies

I've seen too many movies
too many times
I keep waiting
for the happy ending
but sometimes that 
happy ending doesn't come
there ain't no 
use in pretending
we tell ourselves stories
to tell ourselves
how we want it to be
I've seen too many movies
and I know what
I want to see

broadway

I was going
to set the world on fire
I was going to leave 
this one horse town behind
I was going 
to feed my heart's desire
I was going to be a star
and how that star would shine
broadway would be mine to take
I guess I made a mistake

secret weapon

all those people who are smarter than me
all those people better looking than me
all those people with more money than me
you better keep me in
the mind of your eye
yeah, you better not pout
you better not cry 
you better be careful
I'm telling you why
I've got a secret weapon

I was standing close by her bedside 
my mother told me right before she died
she looked at me and said with pride
nobody ever knew 
I had this strength in me
there is more than
eyes could ever see
a body may be broken
but a mind can live free
when you've got a secret weapon

top of the wind

rooftops and chimneys 
are all that I see
from this point of view
if I look real hard
maybe I'll catch
a glimpse of you
I'm not looking for adventure
this is how I live
I am not your worry
to worship or forgive
it's just me
living on instinct again
it's just me
gliding on top of the wind

Tough crowd

I am so fuckin' frustrated, man. I want to write, you know, a poem or a song or something, but I can't find anything interesting enough to write about. It's like my mind has all these thoughts and there's a whole lot of static and they're all dancing up there in my mind. It needs to quiet down, my mind.

Have you ever meditated, farmboy?

You know I have, man. It's my preferred state of mind. You know, a little weed, it's one of the most wonderful things in the whole…

farmboy?

Yes?

What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with meditation.

Oh.

I thought you said medication.

You're a funny guy, farmboy.

Hey! Tough crowd. I'll be here all week, folks!

Focus on the sad and depressing

You know what, man? I wish I was smarter.

You're already smart, farmboy.

No, I'm not. I have so many regrets already. I've made so many fuckin' mistakes, man. I just can't believe how dumb I can be.

So, farmboy, what's bringing this on?

I don't know. I guess I think about my past and my life and my mistakes too much. I focus on the wrong things. Seriously. I've gotta do what David Foster Wallace said in that graduation speech he gave at Kenyon. You know, about how you can change what you're thinking, and about how sometimes it's really kinda required to survive.

So I've been trying lately to change my thinking, 'cause I just fuckin' focus on the sad and depressing, you know? 

I do know, farmboy. I've noticed that you do that. But  lot of what you focus on is from good sources. You watch depressing movies, but they're good depressing movies. Same with books, same with articles, podcasts, music, et cetera.

Yeah, that's true. I guess what I'm mainly thinking of are things like comment sections and fuckin' journalism that's no good. I mean, I guess I gotta be picky about what I leave out as much as what I take in.

Exactly. See, you are smart.

Or lucky. Or, most likely, a combination of both.

password

tell me your password
I'll tell you mine
I'll even share my pin code
I'm putting my heart
on the line
for you

traffic

I am listening to the traffic
waiting to hear your car
hoping to see the headlights
like some distant falling star
I just want you to know
that I'm still here
listening to the traffic
in case you reappear

winter break haiku

bedtime: 3 a.m.
too much coffee, weed and sleep
I love winter break

new year's eve 2013

I used to party
I ruled the disco
when I was young
and on december 
thirty-first
when that midnight bell 
was rung
I kissed the ladies
drank some champagne
man, I was the cat's meow
but that was long ago
when I had places to go
well, I ain't like that now

          'cause now I'm older
          I like my quiet
          someone else can have 
          my three cheers
          seems to me
          that new year's eve
          means less and less each year

that fuckin' evil twin

today I am arguing
all day long
about the same old thing
to the nth degree
the sad fact is
the problem here
is that I'm arguing 
with me
I walk around all day
in this Q and A
knowing I
will only lose
the only one who wins
is that fuckin' evil twin
that's standing in my shoes

today the object
of my scorn
the recipient 
of my fury
is going to court
where I'll meet myself
defendant
judge
and jury
I ain't no crook
but he'll throw the book
as hard 
as I choose
I'm guilty as sin
says that fuckin' evil twin
that's standing in my shoes

Relaxing could be my middle name

So I finally put ink in my printer and started actually printing off some of the lyrics I've been writing these past few years. You know, stuff I've been wanting to work on, to rewrite and edit. It's interesting looking at this stuff. A lot of it has promise, I think.

I'm glad you're working on these songs, farmboy. I know you write a lot, but I don't see you going back and looking at what you've written.

I know, right? I've been meaning to do this for fuckin' forever. So at least I got one thing accomplished this winter break. Not that accomplishing anything is the reason for winter break.

That's true. It's a time to relax, to do those things that you'd like to do.

Oh, man, I've been writing and sleeping and watching Netflix and reading. Relaxing could be my middle name this break.

That's a funny middle name, farmboy.

You know what I mean, man.

Waves on the Pacific

Well, happy fuckin' new year, man!

You too, farmboy, happy new year. Where've you been?

I was social. I went to a New Year's Day music party. It was fun, and I did well being social. I've been isolating myself way, way too much.

I've noticed. I was going to ask you about that.

I guess there's been a certain amount of depression at times. But there have also been a few -- very few -- times where I've felt calm and at peace. And, you know me, I never feel calm and at peace. So I savor it a little. 

Why do you think you feel that way, farmboy? Calm, I mean.

There hasn't been the financial strain that I've been dealing with lately. Not that I'm doing well financially, mind you. I still have to watch every penny. But at least I'm not in a state of fuckin' panic every fuckin' minute.

I don't know the rest of it, though. Basically, I don't really try to analyze it much.

I don't blame you.

Man, I just want peace to wash up over me like waves on the Pacific. You know, not when they're these huge, scary, gigantic liquid monsters, but when it's like the end of the wave. You know? 

When it's a wave's final moment on shore?

Yeah. That's what I want peace to do. I want it to wash me clean.