wishes

I wish I was smarter
I wish I had cash
I wish I had an assistant
to take out my trash
I wish I had power
over this life I live
I wish I could see you
and try to forgive

I wish I was younger
with the wisdom of age
I wish I knew calmness
instead of bottled-up rage
I wish I would place first
in this race that I run 
I wish I could see you
and forgive what you've done

        I need to leave you behind
        for my own peace of mind
        I need to set you free
        to preserve what's left of me
        I need to appreciate
        that you are not my fate
        I need you gone
        so I can move on

I wish now that you
had nothing to do with me
I wish for amnesia
when you enter my memory
I wish that your love
was not russian roulette
I wish I could forgive you
so I could forget

I wish I could forgive
every word that you said
I wish I could forgive
your secrets in bed
I wish I could forgive you
for my own mental health
I wish I could forgive you
I wish I could forgive
myself