I have to fuckin' force myself

Man oh man, I hate this. Every day is the same. I wake up, I get on the computer, I look at the news. There are some encouraging things, but you know the story. We're in fuckin' lockdown, I don't hardly get to go anywhere. On the plus side, I did go out and buy groceries yesterday. Now I have half & half for my coffee. It's the little things, you know?

You joke but it's true, farmboy. The little things are important. They all add up. You and your half & half and your practicing and your writing. It all adds up. I know you've been getting discouraged, but hang in there. It all adds up.

That's what I'm betting on. And this work I'm doing can't be for nothing, can it? I'm afraid to hear the answer. I've been working on being a songwriter for so long and look at me now. No audience, I hardly hear from musician friends, I'm not performing, and I've got all these new songs that nobody wants to hear...

Is that self pity I hear?

Maybe a little bit. But I feel so fuckin' isolated from the rest of the world, especially musically. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for. I've been depressed, but I've also thought that it's pretty natural for these times we're in.

Have you talked to your therapist lately?

Today, briefly. We had an appointment scheduled but we had to reschedule it because of technical difficulties. It's fine. It's actually better, as far as my life goes. This way I get to think a little bit about what I need to talk about. Today I was just going in blind.

I think you better tell him about the depression, farmboy.

I will. I've lost my desire to do the things I do, like practice and meditation and writing. I still do them, but I have to fuckin' force myself.

That's no good.

No, it's not. I don't want to hate playing or writing or meditating and there are times when I don't feel like doing any of it. There are times -- actually, it's pretty constant. And I hate that, because music is my salvation. Music is the reason why I'm here. But nobody wants to hear it and that depresses me. I'm working in a fuckin' vacuum here.

But you're working, farmboy, and that counts for something.

Man, that's what I'm hoping. I can't have all this work be in vain. I just can't.