And nothing helps

Well, today. It's a hot one. It's 98 degrees outside right now. Fuckin' weather.

Other than that, nothing has changed. And it definitely hasn't changed for the better. I am so fuckin' isolated during this fuckin' pandemic. I'm too afraid of Covid to go to the protests, which makes me feel terrible. I hardly ever talk to people, even though I call people up. Mostly I've been listening to music and playing and writing and doing all the stuff that I do with no actual results.

You're becoming a better musician, farmboy.

Not so much. And I don't know if that even matters, since nothing ever changes there, either. Every day is the fuckin' same, unless things get worse. I have had bad luck all my life; it's the one constant of my existence. But lately I'm just focused on all the mistakes I've made during my life. Not to mention the unfairness of given the ability to make music, but not music that is apparently good enough for fuckin' anybody. Nobody wants to hear me, and no matter how hard I fuckin' try, the songs aren't coming. So I don't even get the joy of creating. 

It will come back...

I'm through with wasting my time. I can't fuckin' eat 'cause I'll gain weight, I can't do anything because it's too fuckin' hot, and I'm almost finished with the book that's been providing me with escape and education.

My life fuckin' sucks. And it refuses to fuckin' change. Everything I do is for nothing. I fuckin' hate something, but I don't know what.

And nothing helps. No matter what actions I take, nothing fuckin' matters. Everything stays the same, or it gets worse.

I don't know what I can do.