Look at all the crops and soil

Fuck, man. Another fucked-up day. I'm going for a world record, I think.

What happened?

Oh, I got upset at work. I just have to shake it off my back, you know, let go. Fuck. And, you know, it's affecting music life. I just don't feel like playing a whole lot. Which is not to say that I'm not playing, because I do. Every day. But I feel myself getting weaker and weaker and I don't know what I can do about it except to keep playing.

I can see where that would be a drag.

It's a fuckin' drag, that's what it is. And I'm so fuckin' bored with my own complaining. I need some kind of good news. I need something good to happen. And maybe I should just kinda accept that now's not the time for it and I have to keep on working.

Is it your job?

A good deal of it is, yeah. It's the cutting of hours and the disrespect and the low pay. But I really don't want to talk about my fuckin' job. I will tell you, though, I have great co-workers.

I'm really thankful for that, believe me.

Would you ever say music is your real job?

Oh, there's no contest, you know? I fuckin' live for music. Music is the desire, the passion. Music is my fuckin' salvation, man.

Oh, I've known that for a long time.

I've always known it, or at least I've known it since I was a young child. I do remember that when I was super-young, I wanted to be a doctor. And, before that, a (laughs) farmer. Yeah, I wanted to be a farmer. I would ride on a toy tractor and I would plant things, corn and pumpkins and stuff.

I could imagine that.

Oh, now I wouldn't. Too much work. I want to sit on the porch and play guitar and look at all the crops and soil. But I don't want to work for it.

Will you work for music?

Yeah. That's the good work, you know. Not so much the business part, but the creative part...well, my entire life is based around that. It's important for you to know that.

I do.

Well, what do you think?

I'll tell you what I think. I think everything you do for your music is something that should be encouraged. I want you to encourage yourself about every single creative thing you do that is centered around music. Your music and your creativity needs to be encouraged. You get all sorts of rejection; I'd like to see you even it out a little bit with self-encouragement. This is important.

Thanks. And thanks for your encouragement.

That's one of the reasons I'm here.

I'm going to have to think of some ways to encourage myself.

You can start by stopping all the discouragement. Or at least part of it. Any part of it. No matter how small.

I know. But, fuck, man, it's hard.

You're smart, farmboy. You'll find a way.

I hope so.

I know so.

I hope you know right, man.

Saving myself. In a subtle way.

There you are. I missed you yesterday.

I had a training after work and, well, time got away from me. And, maybe, it's because I get tired off my own complaining. And, as you know, there hasn't been much good news lately. Just, you know, money stress and shit.

I have been doing some thinking, though. Maybe I should plan things like music is the only way I'm going to make any money during the summer. So I would have to plan things like recording and trying to get some paying gigs -- as a singer/songwriter, playing for children, playing for seniors, playing at churches, maybe even teaching a songwriting workshop.

I think that sounds great!

Yeah, well, it's a lot of fuckin' work and it's going to take some fuckin' courage.

Courage?

Yeah, 'cause I'm so convinced that everything's going to fall apart all the time and I'm gonna fail and stuff. Man, though, I think it's a chance to...

To what?

This is so cliched. It's a chance to be my own hero in a way. Saving myself. I'm being overdramatic here, but that's kinda what it feels like. (laughs) In a subtle way.

I say why not? I can help you, you know.

How?

I can help you organize things. Remember when you were doing the one-sheet bio and other things a while back?

Yeah. Before everything fell apart.

But everything didn't fall apart. You're still here.

Whatever. I remember what you're talking about, though.

You can do that again. You know how to work. Plus, it's music. This is what you were born to do. Just think how great you're going to feel if you can be a musician for the summer.

In a recession?

Okay, the timing could be better. What is your alternative? Got a better idea?

No.

Okay.

You're gonna have to help me here. I'm gonna need a lot of help.

I'm here, farmboy.

Then let's get started.

Same old same old

Oh, man! I'm almost out of pot and my connection doesn't have any more!

Oh no! What are you going to do?

I guess live without it for a while. I hate not having it, but...I just need to not make a big deal out of it.

Can you get it from somebody else?

Oh, yeah, and it may come down to that. I probably should let up a little anyway. But, you know, it's a pretty good thing in my life. It gives me pleasure and it calms me down and I love playing guitar on it.

I gotta not dwell on it.

Okay. What do you want to discuss?

There's not much. I'm going to go to bed soon, even though it's early. I like checking in with you, you know, see how you're doing.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate talking with you. Man, I tell you, right now I think I'm sort of fakin' being okay. But that's okay, you know? The morning will come soon enough and I'm lookin' forward to going to bed.

Hold on. So what you're saying is that you're not okay?

Same old same old. Worries about money. Fuckin' money, man, I swear, I went to the grocery store and it's so fuckin' sad, you know. I have to think about every fuckin' thing I put in the cart. Lots of beans these days. Fuck.

That sucks.

Yeah, it does. Man, this recession thing needs to get better. Something needs to break, you know? I'm so tired of worrying.

I bet.

I bet you're tired of hearing me talk about it.

It's all right, farmboy. That's why I'm here. I would love to see you get some good news, though.

Man, you're not kidding. But, you know, in the meantime there's music and...there's music.

And sleep.

Sleep. Sleep is a good thing.

You know, farmboy, things really are going to get better.

I'm glad you hold out hope for me.

I really don't want to see you get any more discouraged.

Thanks. It's just been real hard for a while now.

But it's going to get better, you know?

I'm too tired to hope tonight.

Which is why I'm holding the hope for you. It'll be safe with me, and you can come get it when you're ready.

Really? That's pretty cool.

It'll be here.

And I'll be there for it someday. I just don't know when.

Sooner than you think, farmboy. It won't be long.

Listen, you give yourself permission

You're back! Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! How are you? How's your day been?

I'm good and it's been a good day. How about you?

It's been a good day. I kinda decided to be in a good mood because it's Easter. I slept in and went to buy groceries early, which I never do. I've got a ham slice for supper, and I'm thinking about making an omelet and potatoes with it, but I don't know if I want to go to that much work.

Breakfast for Easter dinner?

Yeah. But, man, I'm so fuckin' lazy. I betcha I don't do it.

So, did you have any human contact this weekend?

I saw my brother and his family and their friends. I talked to a friend who lives in California. I talked with my stepmother. (laughs) I went on Facebook. Any of that count?

Sure, it counts. It would be good for you to see some of your own friends, though.

I know. That is so true. I am going to start doing that. Next weekend.

Really?

I really need to try. I really need to a have a life away from the computer and marijuana. I really should be around musicians more. Other songwriters. Music listeners.

The Antlers are playing in town in May and I've decided to go. That's another thing I need to start doing, hearing live music...and other art type things to help me get inspired.

You want to connect with your fellow artists?

Uh...yeah, kinda. I guess. Would you call it that?

What would you call it?

Identification, maybe.

I think you should go see this group. The Antlers?

The Antlers. I think they're from Brooklyn. They made this great album called "Hospice." I think I've told you about them before.

Were they on your end of the year best-of list?

Number one, dude. I love that album.

You need to go see them.

But the money...

How much is it?

Twelve dollars.

Do it. Buy the ticket. It's an action.

Okay, I will. Thanks!

Listen, you give yourself permission. You know you should go and that it's reasonable for you to go. So go.

I will. I'm also gonna go get some relaxin' in before I have to go to bed.

Have a good Easter night, farmboy.

You too, man. Happy Easter.

Jesus returning to his father

It's after midnight. Are you okay?

I got back not long ago from my brother's house. It was good, but some of their friends came over and I started feel alienated -- not left out, really -- but then the feeling turned into "nothing good ever happens to me" whining time, which is so fuckin' useless, man, Except it's got a lot of anger to it and that just makes my behavior escalate. Anyway, my brother's friends are very nice people. All this is my problem. Nobody else's.

It's great that you recognize that.

I think it is good, actually.

Anyway, now I'm home and it's Easter. Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! What are you going to do to celebrate it?

Probably just hang out and go to the grocery store. I'm not, like, going anywhere or anything. But,let me tell you, I like Easter. I mean, I think about the resurrection and how it really is a beautiful holiday filled with hope. Also -- and I just thought of this -- it's like a homecoming of sorts, you know, Jesus returning to his father. The Father. You know, I really do think it's beautiful. Don't laugh.

Why would I laugh? That's really nice, I think.

What are you gonna do for Easter?

Hopefully I'll get to talk to you. We can celebrate it together for a little while.

That would be cool.

See you later, farmboy.

Later, dude.

Stupid matters that don't add up to nothin'

You know what I'm concerned about?

You're concerned about a lot of things.

Well, but right now I'm concerned that I may run out of things to think about. It seems to me like every time I think about something it turns bad and then I tell myself not to think of that. I'm afraid that I may be running out of things to allow myself to think about.

Like I get these memories from childhood, you know? And they always end up bad, and I think Why do I continue to think of this fuckin' mistake I made when I was a small child or that wrong decision when I was a kid? What a fuckin' waste of time. Pisses me off, man.

So that's where my brain naturally goes. And then I have to redirect it, where it would be so much easier to not have to deal with them in the first place. And it takes energy to redirect it. Sheesh. No wonder I'm tired all the time.

(laughs) Sheesh?

I have a friend I've known for a long time who passed sheesh onto me through osmosis. It's not my fault.

Let me ask you, farmboy, do you like to think?

Yeah, but I don't particularly like obsessing over stupid matters that don't add up to nothin', you know?

It just seems like I've been doing nothin' but thinking lately. Overthinking and overanalyzing. Fuckin' drag, man.

Here's some good news. The weekend is here!

Fuck, yeah, man, weekend. Sleep and stuff. Easter is on Sunday, you know? I should get a little something for my niece. A little stuffed bunny or something. Maybe a book. Maybe a coloring book. That would be cool.

So, did that take your mind off of things? That was just a little trick to try to redirect you away from the overthinking discussion.

It did. It was nice to be here in the here and now discussing buying a little gift for my niece.I need to do that more often.

Do what?

Live in the here and now, in the present, you know? Instead of observing all the time. It would be nice to be involved in life.

Be my guest! Be involved. See if you can get into the habit.

It's scary.

Yeah, well, I'll be here to help you through it. You don't have to feel alienated all the time.

That's actually what I've been thinking about. Alienation. Man, I feel so separated from the rest of the world.

Reach out a little. You have friends, farmboy, and you need to pay attention to those friendships. You've got to maintain them yourself a little bit.

Just start slowly. Do something this weekend. Just one little thing. Preferably with some kind of human interaction.

Okay. I don't know what though.

You'll figure it out.

The return of Pizza Day

Man. I am so tired. I'm so tired that I didn't even think of an April Fool gag to play on you.

I'm relieved. Why are you so tired?

Work. Money worries. Drama at work. Not to mention all that stuff from a week ago. I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't enter these songwriting competitions. I mean, I was reeling for what? A week? That's a lot of time to be so defeated. Maybe I'm too fucking sensitive, you know?

Maybe. So are you going to go to bed?

I'm thinking of laying down for a while. It's early. I don't know if I'll fall asleep or not. I'd like to not worry so fuckin' much, but the fact is I have legitimate worries. But it's like what you said about taking the time you'd be worrying and trying to come up with actions instead. Or something like that.

So, yeah, anyway, I'm gonna go lay down. Or lie down. I forget which is correct. Listen to something, I don't know what.

Music?

Probably some talky podcast thing. That's what I'm thinking.

Was today okay?

Today was hard. Tomorrow is Friday.

Hallelujah.

I gotta buy some groceries. I bought some today, but I'm out of, like, everything. Or lots of things. Man, I'm so tired I'm just one step away from talking gibberish. I mean, I'm discussing fuckin' groceries.

Go lay down.

Or lie down...

Get some rest. You got a weekend to look forward to.

Not to mention the return of Pizza Day!

Pizza Day? What is Pizza Day?

That when Friday comes and I stop at the cheap pizza joint on the way home from work. When money gets tight, well, it's Pizza Day that has to go. But I got paid yesterday. I don't have any money to spend -- I mean, I can't really afford to buy a CD or anything -- but I can afford to do Pizza Day, at least this week.

Sounds good. You deserve a Pizza Day, farmboy.

Everybody deserves Pizza Day.

Have a good rest.

I will. Good night, man.

By the way, what happened to calling me Clyde?

You don't seem like a Clyde to me. It feels awkward.

Good. I don't feel like a Clyde.

You still need a name.

I've got a name. You just don't know it.

I'm too tired to think of a name right now. But I will.

We'll see. Sweet dreams, farmboy.

Good night, Mr. Interview Guy.