That big ol' blue sky

Well, this is different. A phone call.

Yeah, well, I'm at my brother's house. I'm staying with his daughter -- my niece -- tomorrow. It should be fun. I did this last week. My niece is a sweetheart, to be sure.

How've you been feeling?

I've been going to work and stuff, but I'm actually still sick. But I'm not as sick as I was, so that's good.

There's been some improvement, then.

Oh yeah. The main thing now is my throat, which hurts like a fuckin' sonovabitch. I've been gargling with salt water, drinking tea with lemon and honey, all the stuff you should do. And there has been improvement. It's just that if you're talking all day and you're going outside and you're not getting the good rest you need -- even though that, too, has improved -- your throat's gonna suffer. But, I'll tell you, man, I'm so fuckin' tired of not feeling any good.

Are you sleeping over at your brother's?

I'm sleeping over because he has to go to work early.

How old is your niece?

She'll be four in a few months.

Great age.

Yeah, she's pretty wonderful. We're probably gonna go hear some children's music tomorrow and do some other stuff. We'll figure it out as we go along, I guess. Maybe we'll go to the movies or something. Maybe we'll go visit work. (laughs)

Work? Why would you go there?

To show her off, basically. I'm very proud of her, and I just think she's great. She's so smart and so talented and she so much happier than I remember being. Though I do remember some good times.

Like?

Like looking up into that big ol' blue sky and thinking about how high it was up there, and how it kept on going. Like the magic of melodies and rhythms. Like drives out in the country. Man, I miss being in nature.

You have a truck. Go camping.

I might just do that this summer. I really gotta get out of this city. I mean, I like it and all, but I want to see nature and I want to see the ocean.

When do you get off?

One more month of school, that's what I've got. Then I play music and hopefully I won't have to worry about money as much as I did last summer.

One more month...

Oh, man, I can't wait. I'm thinking about the things I can do if I work hard and take chances,,,

Traveling? Recording a CD? Performing?

All that stuff. And I look at it and I think, yeah, I really need to do this stuff so I can make some money and live life with a little more adventure.

Adventure is a good thing...

Yeah, but there's all that fear and worry that go along with it. And I'll have to deal with it.

You'll do fine, farmboy.

Thanks. I need to hear that. Man, I hate living a life defined by fuckin' fear.

As you should. You're more adventurous than that, and you know it.

I know! Man, I'm looking forward to this summer. Being outside...

Playing music...

Eating watermelon...

One more month...

And I'll be there, man. With my guitar and my imagination.

Looking up at the sky...

And, man, look how high it is!

Jumping off here

Man, I should make a CD, just here at home on garage band, just solo. I mean, I don't have to put it out if I don't want to, you know? I need to get over my fear of doing computer stuff. I don't have to put it out or sell it or anything. Nobody ever has to hear it. I think that if...

Oh, stop. Just record it.

Just record it?

Yeah. You have garage band on your mac. It's not going to cost you anything to record it.

Okay...

Maybe just try to record a song a day or something, you know, three or four times a week. Not even keepers, necessarily; you should just keep recording no matter how bad you think it sounds. Quantity is quality, in this case.

I'll think about...maybe...you know, I'll just do it. Let's see where this goes.

Just do it for a while. And you'll figure out what suits you best. Just do it pretty consistently, but...well, I'm a little concerned about how perfectionistic you get, your obsessive/compulsiveness...

Oh, great. Now I feel really fuckin' good about myself.

I want you to be...farmboy, I'm going to sound like a guidance counselor or something, but I want you to have a positive experience.

Okay. I really do know what you mean. You want me to enjoy recording.

Yes.

I will do this. I'll probably need your help and feedback, Just warning you.

Sure thing.

Let's just see?

Yeah, farmboy. Let's just see.

I'm jumping off here, you know.

I know.

You gonna catch me when I fall?

You're not going to fall. But I'll be here anyway.

This stayin' awake business

Hey.

Hey yourself. Busy day?

Yep. Went to work and screwed up my throat singing with the kids...

The kids?

The students. Anyway, I came home and googled "sore throat remedies" and found this great website of home remedies, you know, the stuff your mom and dad did when you got sick. One of the remedies was gargling with salt water. Which my mom had us do, And it really brought some relief. It felt much better after that.

I bookmarked the website, of course.

How was work?

Good. It was good to see my coworkers and the students.

How was the performance?

It went really well. I was pleased, for the most part.

Are you tired?

Yeah. I'm hungry, too, I hadn't really thought about it, but I am tired. I'm not long for this stayin' awake business.

You gotta rest, farmboy. Take good care of yourself.

Meaning?

Go to bed, farmboy.

I'm going to. Gonna eat something first, then I'll do internet things, then go to bed and go to sleep.

Then tomorrow?

Tomorrow I listen to the CD I bought today, "High Violet" by the National. $7.99 at Best Buy. I haven't bought a CD for a long time.

But, tonight, tonight I sleep. Like the innocent and lovable farmboy I once was a long, long time ago.

But until then...

I deal with staying awake, which is a good thing. I want to relax, then sleep. Calm. I want to be calm.

Calm is good.

In the right place. When it's good, it's great, and absolutely necessary.

Good luck and good night

Not much to report tonight. Still sick, but I gotta go to work tomorrow, but it's okay.

Are you okay to go back?

I hope so. I'm better than yesterday, and I'm gonna take an anti-anxiety pill tonight to sleep. That's when I've felt really good, after I get some sleep.

So is this good night?

'Fraid so, pal. I'll talk with you tomorrow.

You okay?

Yeah, actually. Tomorrow's Friday. I'm supposed to perform at the coffeehouse, but I'll probably cancel if I'm having those fuckin' coughing fits.

But you never cancel...

This is a night with several acts, so actually they'd be okay with it. The venue folks, that is. They're, like, super understanding.

Look, you get some rest, farmboy.

I will. Wish me luck.

Good luck and good night.

Hey, you get some rest, too. Thanks.

Good night.

Fuck it

Man, I'm bummed.

What's up, farmboy?

I was given a little bit of pot by a co-worker and I can't find it. It's driving me fuckin' crazy. Pisses me off.

Have you looked?

Oh, man, I did. I was just carrying it from one place to another and in the space of that 12 feet or so, I lost it. How do I do this?

You'll find it. It's one of those things.

I suppose. But I just keep thinking about it...

Well, you can be kind of obsessive. Let it go for awhile. I bet you're going to find it when you're not even looking.

What if I don't?

If you don't, you've lost a little bit of pot. To use your way of speaking --

Fuck it.

Um, yes. Fuck it.

I like hearing you say the word "fuck."

I bet you do.

C'mon, you gotta admit, it satisfies like no other word in the English language.

I have to agree, actually.

C'mon, say it again.

No, I don't think so.

C'mon.

Okay, farmboy, here it goes. Brace yourself.

Fuck it.

Woo hoo! How did it feel?

It felt good. That's why people say it.

Yeah!

You're doing something supposedly forbidden. You're giving yourself a little tiny bit of power, maybe you get attention, maybe when you feel powerless...

Fuck it, man! You're taking all the fun out of this!

(laughs) For you, maybe.

Yes fuckin' way!

Well, I gotta go to my brother's house so's I can baby-sit my niece tomorrow...

How do you feel, farmboy?

I feel like crap.

Did you go to work?

No.

It would be so much easier if I could just sleep more than an hour or two at a time. I'm just coughing so much and I feel so miserable. But I'm still gonna baby-sit. It's important. I am needed.

Man, I just don't want to get ready...

You can do that, easy, though. Go ahead. Take the shower, get stuff together, leave. Just don't think about it so much.

Okay. That's what I'll do.

One quick thing, though.

What's that.

Today marks the 100th time we've talked.

No fuckin' way!

Yes fuckin' way!

Man,you've heard a lot of whining and complaining and crying...

I've also heard a lot of hope and humor and we've had some good times.

Hey, congratulations to us! I am so fuckin' glad you're my friend. I'm not sure who you are or why you're here, but I am grateful.

Here's to 100 more!

At least!

At least!

Now go get ready, and we can talk more later, farmboy.

Hey, man...thanks for everything.

Thanks to you too.

Blood and love

Are you still sick, farmboy?

Uh huh.

Going to work tomorrow?

I'm planning to, but if I feel as lousy as I do now, I won't. I hate doing that only because I don't have many sick days left. But if I have to call in, I'll call in.

Today was Mother's Day.

Yeah, I played music for my Mom, stuff she liked me to play when she was alive. The Carter Family's "Wildwood Flower" and Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now." I also played Dolly Parton's "Coat of Many Colors" and the Louvin Brothers' "If I Could Only Win Your Love," Which I know from Emmylou Harris. I fuckin' love Emmylou Harris.

My mother liked happy songs in major keys. She liked to sing and she liked music. My Dad did too.

It's in the blood.

It's one of the things I have to carry on with. Blood and love.

Can we talk about something else? I really don't want to be emotional.

Whatever you want, farmboy.

Thanks.

Looking forward to summer?

You know, if I can pull off this financial stuff, I'm looking real forward to summer. Work is over in a little more than a month.

You know, I'm gonna start getting ready to go to bed, to see if I'm gonna call in sick tomorrow.

Well, always good to talk with you.

Same here.