This little brown Mexican kid

I'm trying to be calm. I'm trying not to panic. I'm doing deep breathing. Life has become hard. My stomach hurts sometimes, especially when I wake up during the night. But I think I may be depressed and I'm angry all the time and I don't like this one fuckin' bit. Pisses me off.

But I have to remain calm. I'm just not feeling physically well, or mentally well for that matter. But I'm generally okay, I'm just depressed. And it's only November 9, but it feels like we're in that deep winter weather. And maybe that's adding to things, I don't know.

You're being quiet...

Have you seen a doctor, farmboy?

I have an appointment for next week.

Good.

This will pass, right?

Right. It will.

You know what I wish?

What do you wish?

I wish I was a child, you know, this little brown Mexican kid. And my mother would be alive and my father would be alive, and I would like winter because of Christmas and, and...

farmboy?

Yes sir?

Don't call me sir. Please.

Okay. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. I just don't like being called "sir."

farmboy, are you going to be okay tonight?

Yes. I will. I just need to be calm. I can't let the, the...thoughts overtake me. I really...

Need to be calm?

Yeah. And I will.

Call me if you need me.

I will. Thanks.

Let me ask you one more time: Are you okay?

Yes. I'm home. Don't worry about me. I'm all right.

Start over clean

Oh, man, I'm feeling so fuckin' vulnerable lately. And my stomach hurts all the time. And...everything is so stressful. I feel like taking one of my anti-anxiety meds.

Clonazepam?

Yeah. I, like, never take them. Or hardly ever.

I think you should take one, farmboy.

Okay. (takes pill)

I don't feel anything.

Of course not. You just took it!

I know. I'm just playing with you.

I need to go to work tomorrow, I have to sleep, and I have to feel better. I'm just tense. So maybe it's a good thing I took the Clonazepam. I need to relax, I need to...start over, you know? Start over clean.

Well, hopefully that'll happen, farmboy.

Man, that would be so great.

miracle

a miracle of science

or a miracle of god

who deserves the credit

and the blame

all the figures

all the facts

all those mental midnight snacks

it's a miracle all the same

I'm not finished beating myself up yet

Been a bad day and I don't come across good in it. I don't want to go into the sleazy, slimy details, but I lost my temper at some people and I yelled and I cursed and something took hold of me and I'm not proud of myself. And now I have to go perform and what do I do?

Go perform. Do a good job. Forgive yourself and move on.

Move on?

Move on. Go ahead, try it.

But...but I'm not finished beating myself up yet.

I don't care. Move on anyway.

But...

But what, farmboy? You're sorry, and I know there's nothing else you can do about it. You've learned what you were supposed to learn. Move on...

Um...

Try it. You know that you obsess over anything where you come out as the loser. Just say, yeah, yeah and move on.

Okay. I'll give it a try.

Good.

But it's gonna be hard. Fuckin' hard, man.

I know, farmboy. But I want you to try. I really think it'll be good for you.

Al right.

Here you go!

Here I go...

Nobody's fault

it's nobody's fault

there's no wrong or right

but it still might be worth

putting up a good fight

it's nobody's fault

there's no right or wrong

just that feeling that feels

you will never belong

Lonely old me

So I'm so stressed...or something, I don't know what.

What's up, farmboy?

It's money, you know. Everybody's got their fuckin' hand out insisting on more, more, more.

So what's up is that I'm not going to my friend's surprise party -- the one that I planned and stressed out over -- because I can't afford a ticket. I can't fuckin' afford to live, if you wanna know the goddamn truth. And I'm dreading telling the people involved. I feel like I've let everyone down.

On the other hand, I also know that it's not the end of the world. I can call my friend at the party, you know? there are people in a lot worse situations than lonely old me. There's a recession going on, for Crissake! My bills are paid, I've got a place to live, I have food, I have my guitar. I am extremely blessed, and I'm aware of it. Not flying out-of-state for a party is far from the worst thing that could happen.

It's more like I don't want to admit to people that I fucked up...

You didn't fuck up.

Or that I'm poor, then. Which is a word I don't use in describing myself, by the way. I have an apartment, bills are paid, all that stuff I said before. I don't consider myself poor, really.

Maybe this is all just pride. Or maybe I'm afraid of losing friends. Or maybe I subconsciously don't want to go, or something. But...things could be worse. A lot worse.

It's good that you know that, farmboy.

Yeah, I'm even aware of that.

You know, yesterday was election day, and -- damn it! -- those fuckin' Republicans are back, and these fuckin' tea party people, and I think maybe we Americans are just fuckin' stupid. And spoiled. A fuckin' idiot stays eight years in the White House and fucks everything up, and people are mad at Obama because he hasn't made everything perfect yet, So America throws a fuckin' tantrum. (pauses) But this is all another conversation.

Get some rest, farmboy. Eat something, relax. You've got the right perspective about your situation.

I needed to get that stuff off my chest. I guess I'm angry and frustrated.

Thank you for listening, man. You don't know...

Any time, farmboy.

Well, (laughs) I'm sure this isn't the last.

I don't want the responsibility of thinking

Man, I hate this. It's night and I'm tired and so I don't want the responsibility of thinking. I want to, I don't know, bury myself with the internet and read really fuckin' entertaining sites and blogs and not think. Is that too much to ask?

I don't think so. Did you go to work today?

Yeah.

Did you practice your music?

Yeah.

Did you do any work at your apartment?

Yeah.

So go ahead, farmboy. You've only got a couple of hours at the most until you have to go to bed. You might as well relax and enjoy the rest of the night.

Thanks.

My pleasure.