It sucks to be me

I am having such a fuckin' hard time writing a song, man.

Try not writing a song, maybe?

Huh?

Do you think maybe you're trying too hard, like you're trying to force something out?

(pauses) Yeah, as a matter of fact I guess I do. It sucks to be me.

Come on, farmboy, you know that songs will come.

I know. I just like to complain. Lily Tomlin once said that the reason human beings invented language is because they wanted to complain.

I could believe that.

Yeah, and I do too.

Relax, farmboy. Let the songs come.

It's just that spark...

It'll come, farmboy.

But it's taking so fuckin' long...

Not scared

Oh man, work is like a fuckin' ghost town or something. All these people -- they're "unassigned," just like me, That was the word I was looking for the other day. Remember?

I remember. How are you, farmboy?

I'm a little depressed, but I'm okay. You know all my talk the other day about how I wasn't worried? Well, that's being fuckin' challenged, that's for sure. But you know what? I'm glad that I said it. I'm glad that I felt that way, because I'm sure I'm gonna feel that way again. Hopeful. Not scared.

"Not scared." I like the sound of that.

Yeah. I do too. I just gotta remember to have faith...and work.

Action -- which I think might be the "work" you're referring to -- that's important, farmboy.

Yeah, something kinda concrete, you know.

I'm glad to hear you talking this way.

Fuck, I'm glad to hear myself talking this way. I just hope I can talk this way when I'm panicking and desperate. Man, I want to be able to do that.

Good work

I have done next to nothing today. It's just fuckin' great, man. Washed my clothes yesterday, saw my friend, baby sat my niece, played Thursday night, been through all the fuckin' work shit. It is good to not to do anything. I did play guitar and sing and exercise.

You're taking the day off and you've earned it, farmboy.

Damn right, man.

You know, I just want you to know that I'm not doing badly, even though my job in the fall is, well, I don't know what it is...and summer, I don't know what I'm doing for sure in the summer for money. But I have this strange...confidence, I guess, that everything's gonna be all right. And it has to do with music...This is good, though, this is okay. Better than okay.

Go with it, farmboy. And this is important: You need to put in the work that it -- whatever "it" is -- requires you to do.

Yeah. It's good work, I have a feeling.

Trust your instincts, farmboy.

(laughs) Hey, I'm doin' my best, man!

Solid ground

So?

So what?

Did the ax fall?

It fell for a lot of people. The school district is laying off 35 to 40 percent of its employees across the board.

Me, I fall in a position somewhere between that and people returning to the schools they work at. I'm classified as...what do they call it? There's a word and I can't think of it. Oh well.

I'm still employed, but they don't know what job or what school or anything. So that's extremely sad, but at least I'll still have my health benefits and hopefully they'll find a place for me by September.

That sucks, farmboy.

Not as much as being laid off.

That's true.

But I agree. It still fuckin' sucks. It's really fucked that the state government care so fuckin' little about education or children...

Or the future of the country. Or the world, for that matter.

That's so fuckin' true, it's so fucked up.

I can't talk about this much 'cause I'll start getting angry and it ain't fuckin' no good. Not to mention the fact that it doesn't help things. I've worked in education for a while and if there's one thing I've learned is...well, not that there's no use in fighting, but...fuck, man, let's change the fuckin' subject.

I'm sorry, farmboy.

Thanks, pal.

So I played last night and I went to see my friend today and we talked about Kickstarter and how to get funding and I think I may be on solid ground here. Which is great, 'cause if there's anything that will take my mind off of this work shit, it's music and making a CD.

Which is what you're going to do.

Damn fuckin' right, man. Nobody can lay me off music.That's fuckin' hands off, man.

I could be a good performer

Oh man, I tell you...I'm stoned and I'm listening to the new Fleet Foxes album. I'm only on the first song but it's beautiful so far. That main guy, what's his name? Robin Somebody, I think.

So tell me about the gig, farmboy.

Let me tell you, man, it's been a fuckin' day. Tomorrow the ax falls at work. This week has been tense for everybody.

I just needed to tell you that.

I'm glad you did. So what about the gig?

My hands gave me a good amount of trouble, but I worked past it and I don't think the audience noticed. Other than that, the performance was one of my best.

Really?

Yeah. I got called back for an encore. Which usually doesn't happen with anybody at the coffeehouse. I mean, it happens, but it's few and far between, you know?

I sang good. I communicated. I could be a good performer if I did it a lot more often.

Wow, farmboy! It's great to hear you say this. It really is.

Yeah. Too bad I'll just find some way to negate it. That's what I do.

So enjoy while you can.

You know, I think I will.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, farmboy.

Oh yeah. Time for chips and pico de gallo!

Apples and oranges

Just to let you in on stuff that's going on:

1. Hours are being cut at work and people are being laid off. I can't think about this fuckin' shit more than I have to right now.

2. I'm performing tomorrow and I'm meeting with a friend of mine, who I'm going to ask all sorts of things about Kickstarter. You know, the online thingy that helps you get funding for your project.

I love the word "thingy."

I would think that you would, farmboy.

Yeah, I do. I like words. I don't trust words as much as music, though. They are, most likely, apples and oranges.

Each one has its purposes...

Each one does, I suppose.

Anyway, I just wanted to fill you in and let you know about everything.

Good luck with number one and learn lots with number two.

I'm going to.

hobo jungle

out on the edge of town

where the waters run down

down where the weeds grow high

north of the county line

there's a place I've never seen

but I hear it's pretty mean

and they call it hobo jungle

back when I was a kid

I remember my mama said

son. if you don't start walking straight

boy, it'll be your fate

to end up like those men

whose lives come to an end

down in hobo jungle

Fuck, man, I don't know where the fuck to go with this fuckin' song. I mean, I've had those verses forever. And they still need work. But I think they've got potential. I just don't know where to go from there.

What advice would you give yourself, farmboy?

Follow through with what feels natural. Don't force it. Maybe I need to do some timed writing, like it says in those Natalie Goldberg books. Some free writing, maybe. But it feels like I'm fishing in the dark here.

And that's okay, farmboy. I like the idea of following what feels natural.

Yeah. I'll keep on with it. I really like the melody I've got, and I like the verses I have, no matter how imperfect they may be.

It'll come.

It won't be for lack of trying, that's for sure.