My fuckin' addictions

Here it is, Sunday night. Tomorrow's the beginning of the final week of school -- of work -- and it's going to be a challenging week. I gotta not think about it. I gotta get my mind on music. Plus, you know, I'm so fuckin' nervous. I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind.

I know that. Don't tell me. It's...

Snoop Dogg, but I know it from the Gourds, a great band from the Austin area.

So I gotta think about the summer and what habits I want to get into and the habits I need to lessen or get away from. My fuckin' addictions.

Like what?

Well, really, like the habits I want to have all year 'round. I'm thinking dietary, exercise...I need to further those things. I can't isolate myself as much any more. I need to stay right here, in the present tense, you know.

And I really gotta cut down on the weed, man. I fuckin' love it but there's no way I can afford, in any way, to be waking up every morning and smoking. Plus, really, it can be a substitute for real life, and that's certainly fucked up.

Sounds like it's time to make some changes, farmboy.

Yeah, but, fuck, I gotta do more than just cut out things. I gotta have some stuff to replace the stuff that I won't be doing. Does that even make sense, man?

It does. It looks like you might have some thinking to do, thinking that could be fun and have possibilities.

I love possibilities.

I know you do. You're excellent at them when you let yourself be, farmboy.

I can be, yeah.

Fuck, man, I want possibilities. Bring 'em fuckin' on.

live like this

“let me observe you,” he said

“teach me to be a human being

I need to watch you from a distance

where there's safety in my solitary seeing

I am not a human being

Let me pretend

I am capable of living

family and friends

I want my chance at

love and happiness

I can no longer

live like this"

Scattered writings from the coffeehouse

I can't stand the taste of alcohol

but I want to learn to drink

so I can see what life is like

when you don't have to think

'cause thinking always gets me into trouble

thinking's never been a friend to me

* * *

I was the child that no one loved

you won't remember me

* * *

instinct is my companion

thinking always leaves me abandoned

Shackled by my fear

I'm tired, man. Everybody is know is tired. Are you tired, man?

I'm sort of evened-out anymore, farmboy. I don't go for extremes, myself. I'm actually content the way I am.

Really? I can't fuckin' imagine it. What's it feel like?

Calm, mostly.

It's got to be more than that. C'mon.

You're right. It's like you're no longer yearning all the time. You spend a lot more time and effort being grateful that everything has turned out the way it has.

Is it peaceful, man?

Yes. I think you could say that.

Wow. I can't fuckin' imagine it. Seriously, man. And then I think: Will I ever get there?

No question about it, farmboy. You're headed for happier times. If you want them, that is.

Oh, I want them. I'm just shackled by my fear of it all. I don't know why.

That's just fear.

I know, but try telling that to...well, I don't know who...

I'm telling this to you. I'm telling this to farmboy.

And I'm glad you are, because I need to hear it. It is just fear. I need to get over it, or work through it, or work in spite of it, you know? I can't let fear rule me.

Good. You're better than that.

Now that's what I'm hoping to start believing. It's a long, hard, unfriendly road, man, I fuckin' tell you what.

The oldest man on earth, take two

there is no one who remembers me

when I was a child

I might as well have

been raised up in the wild

I grew up here

and it's here I will rest

when death comes to grant

my final request

soon is the end

of my circle of birth

I am the oldest man on earth

I have no sister

no brother

no mother or dad

I've lost everyone

that I've ever had

I had my fair share of love

struggle and pain

now fading memories

are all that remain

still I keep breathing

for all that it's worth

I am the oldest man on earth

the man in the moon

ain't got nothing on me

as he shines on the sailors

lost on the sea

well, shiver me timbers

a pirate's life for me

as I sail into the sunset

who'll be my witness

what is my crime

whatever the season

no reason

no rhyme

I dream of the river

that led me to you

the only true lover

that I ever knew

soon is the end

I ask:

blessing or curse?

I am the oldest man on earth

I am the oldest man on earth

Who I really am

So I'm taking tomorrow off to use up my last personal leave day. So I get to stay up late. How ya doin', man?

You're stoned, farmboy.

Fuck. Is it that apparent?

Oh, I'm not saying anything against it. I just thought I'd acknowledge it. How does it feel?

Feels okay, feels good. Makes me wish I had, like, a chocolate donut or something. But I don't. I have diet Pepsi, though. Nothing like chemicals, right?

I'm beginning to fade, which is really frustrating to me because it's only 10 p.m.

Which is about the time that you get ready to go to bed...

Yeah, but I have tomorrow off. It's my time to...I don't know, party or something.

What are you going to do tomorrow, farmboy?

I'm hoping to do something musical, you know? At least do some planning and figuring-out for a performance I'm doing Friday night. I've been way too concerned about my fuckin' job and all the shit that's gone down. I need to get back to who I really am. And that's a musical person. A person who lives his life in music.

I am blessed.

It's good that you know that.

Yeah. I'm glad I do. You can't take nothin' in this God-almighty world for granted, man.

My old life-long friends

I'm depressed, man. Everything seems so fuckin' hopeless.

Are you joking, farmboy? Sometimes I can't tell if you're joking or if you're serious.

A little of both, you know? I mean, I am depressed but I don't want to get dramatic about it. If that's the word for it, I don't know. I think it's more like worry...

Anxious?

Yeah. Panic. Anxiety. My old life-long friends. They've come to talk with me again.

No drama, right?

(laughs) Okay, maybe just a little drama. You know, show business is my life. Like no business I know.

But, you know, anyways, I'm okay. I want you to know that. I'm just depressed right now because the night goes by so fuckin' quickly and then I go to bed and then I wake up and I have to go to my fuckin' job again, where it's like a fuckin' morgue, man. Everybody's miserable but you have to put on this show that all is all right in front of the students. Which, believe me, is a good thing, it's kind of an unspoken thing. Because we know we're all miserable, so let's not make it worse. But it's all taking its toll because we've had to do it for so long.

There. That's basically it.

I'm sorry, farmboy.

Oh, it just all sucks. But it's temporary, and I just gotta hang in there.

You're doing a good job.

Thanks. I am, aren't I?