just ashes

not enough hours
not enough days in the week
no fire in the belly
just ashes 
of dreams left behind
just mistakes
of every kind
I regret so many things
but it has not been a wasted life
the one thing I got right
was you

My mind is a dangerous thing

I'm just checking in again, man.


Good. I'm glad, farmboy. I was wondering how your day is going.


Good day. I know I was kinda iffy last night, but today wasn't bad. It was pretty good, in fact. I'm very thankful. As for last night, my mind is a dangerous thing sometimes. And I was aware of it. Which I think is a good thing -- to be in the midst of panic or whatever you want to call it.


You call it panic.


I'm not really sure what my problem is called. I obsess over things, and eventually I have to accept the blame or the guilt or whatever this thing fuckin' wants to give me.


Sorry for being so vague, man.


It's fine, farmboy. I'm glad you're talking about this subject. I hate to see you hold all this pain inside. 


Thanks for listening, man. I really appreciate it. Everything is pretty okay now. 


I really, really hope it lasts for a little while.

Overthinking everything

Just checkin' in, man. I'm, like, fuckin' tired and I'm kinda overthinking everything and I'm getting obsessive and, fuck, I hate this. So it's probably better that I just get ready to go to sleep. Sorry, man.


Are you okay, farmboy?


Yeah, don't worry. I'm in the midst of panic or something so I ain't sure how real this is, you know? It's best to not give it any power.


I'm here if you need to talk, farmboy.


Thanks, man. Maybe I'll take you up on that. You never know.

All gray skies inside

I'm back, man, and I am so fuckin' depressed.


Why, farmboy?


The same old shit. It's Sunday evening and the weekend -- which just started -- is over. And I haven't done a single thing that I was supposed to do. So even though it's beautiful outside,, I'm all gray skies inside, you know. Pisses me off. I'll be okay, I know that, but, man, I hate going through depression.


Right now I'm at my brother's house waiting for my laundry to dry. This weekend is basically over, so I've got to get ready for the work week. Fuck.


I know, farmboy, I know it's a drag to go to work sometimes. Especially on Mondays. I know I've always disliked Mondays.


And Tuesdays, man, Tuesdays ain't much better. If Tuesday was a commercial product its slogan would be "Well, at least it's not Monday." That Tuesday's selling point.


I got, like, a month and a half till summer. So I get to worry about finances and stuff. Man, I really don't want a summer like last summer. I love summer, you know? Especially living in the Pacific Northwest where it's always dark and rainy and gray.


But, anyway, tomorrow at 3:20 p.m. all this be be over and I'll be in the process of the work week. Fuck, man, there's got to be more to this living than going to the same old stupid boring job day after fuckin' day, you know?


I know, farmboy, and I sympathise. I just don't know what to tell you.


I know, man. I just appreciate you listening. I know I'm a broken record when it comes to this kind of stuff. I'm sorry. 

At least it's Friday

Good morning!


Good morning, farmboy. You're up early.


Gotta go to my fuckin' job, man. At least it's Friday, you know? Oh, wait (looks at clock). Fuck. It's time to go.


Have a good day, farmboy.


You too, man.

even roar

traffic outside my window
sounds like waves
from the Great Pacific,
taking the streets
with an even roar.

I hear the heavy footsteps
of my neighbor upstairs.
his TV is on.
my other neighbor
listens to NPR podcasts.
(in a way, 
Terry Gross is my neighbor)

the landlord is mowing the lawn
across the street.
someone is practicing the flute.
I play the guitar,
but we don't play the same songs.

but mostly
I live with the headphones on.
I silence my phone
and wake up
to the songs of birds.

Good night

Oh, man, I'm so fuckin' tired. Who came up with this workin'-for-a-living anyway? What a moron. You know, that's the problem with the world today, man, with society. It's all for the fuckin' profit, man, that's all anybody's about. Even the best citizens...

Excuse me, farmboy. You say you're tired?

Yeah?

Go yo bed, farmboy.

Thanks, man. Good night.