My hands worked well

So California was pretty good, man. It was very stressful at times, you know, with the money situation and all the rehearsals that I did with people for the gigs. But it was good and I made some money and at least I'll be able to pay the rent for next month. By then I'll be back at work for another fuckin' school year.

Did you have any fun, farmboy? I'm presuming that you got to spend time with friends and family, as well as performing.

Yeah, it was great seeing everybody, Spent a lot of time with my stepmother and my friend Jim, who sang harmony with me at some of the shows. He's a great harmony singer, the best.

The performances went really good. I played and sang really well and didn't have hardly any problem with the fuckin' carpel tunnel stuff. For the most part, my hands worked well. I related to the audiences well and I sang well. Fuck, man, it feels so good to do concerts of my own songs, you know? Not that I mind playing for kids or at farmers' markets, but...

But writing songs is what you you do, farmboy. It makes sense that you would get more meaning playing and singing your own compositions.

Yeah, man. I need to do that more. I need to find a way to do that. Or ways, which is probably more accurate. 

So, anyway, it was a good trip, and it really means something to know that I've basically made my living this summer playing music. It's been busy, performing and recording and writing. 'Course, it's also been hard and stressful, too.

When do you back to work?

A week from today, that's when I go back to the fuckin' job. But I ain't thinking about that much right now, man. I got better things to think about, you know?

Back from California

Hey, man, I'm back!

Back from California! How was the trip, farmboy?

It was very good. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, but, man, I'm so fuckin' tired. See you tomorrow, eh?

if for just one night

too much nervous
need a little peace of mind
if for just one night

I need no TV set
just a couple hits of reefer
and the ol' internet

relax recreate
the time will come for working
it always returns

but for now lay back
in the spring grass and let it
soothe your aching mind

Capable of good results

So today, man, today was a day, let me tell you. Got plane tickets for California. Recorded some basic tracks for the CD...

How was that, farmboy? Did it feel any better than the last time?

It did, yeah, thanks for asking. I was more relaxed, I was more focused. I sang well, generally. I felt more in control. I think I got some usable tracks. It's such fuckin' hard work, man. But it's worth it. The whole process is worth it.

So I feel good about the session. It's good to feel like I'm capable of good results. I mean, I feel like I'm just such a fuckin' loser all the time, and I'm so fuckin' sick of it. 

The same with being afraid. I'm tired of it. I've been afraid to drive in most circumstances...but there was this stuff going on Saturday, a farewell concert by some friends of mine who are moving to Berkeley and a barbecue with folks from the coffeehouse. And I normally wouldn't have gone, but...fuck, I'm tired of being bossed around by my own fears. So I drove and it was difficult but I'm glad I went.

And you're going to California later this week, right?

Yeah. I have such a hard time leaving. I freak out unless everything's planned and safe. Damn. I didn't want to end up like that in my life.

So I'm going and that's okay. I'll go and see people and play some shows and hopefully make some money that I can live on in September.

It seems better than last summer, farmboy.

It is, man. It's stressful and at times I panic and I'm miserable. But it ain't anywhere as bad as last summer. That's a blessing, man.

I found your nose

I found your nose
it was in my business again
I suppose
you think you're my best friend
telling me what I should do
about God knows what
and who knows who
but you don't even have a clue
I'm telling you

captive in cages

crazy old world
circus of angels and clowns
carnival of ages


held captive in cages
the fierce, courageous tiger
here to entertain you


a master to train you
to do as he commands 
to follow any word he might say


this is how I start my day

Fuckin' whatever, man

You know, I don't mean to say this in a negative way...


But...


I don't know why we keep going, we keep hoping, we keep fuckin' striving. 'Cause you know, man, it's all going to shit in the end.


Maybe it's because we secretly enjoy the hoping, going and striving. (pauses)  I don't know if I got the order right.


Yeah, I guess. Maybe we're hardwired. Whatever that means. Maybe a lot of us can't help it. Of course, you can always point to people that it didn't work for. Fuckin' whatever, man.


Why do I ask these questions?


Maybe you secretly enjoy it.


It feels more like I can't help it.