a promise

I am not sure 
what you want from me
a short glimpse of a promise
you thought I might be
have I disappointed you?
I somehow turned into 
someone who
still believes 
there might be a future
where I have learned
from my mistakes

Empty buzzing

Man, I tell you, there's so much I could say. What's strange is that I have nothing that I need to say. So what do I do? Do I add to the noise, to the empty buzzing all around us? Or do I just stay with the minimum -- in other words, just be quiet until I feel the need to say something. Kinda like a Quaker meeting, in a way.

It's your choice, farmboy. I'm here for either one. I'll listen to everything. Or nothing. Whatever you want.

Really? I'd be a fool to pass up a chance to say something, no matter how fuckin' meaningless it is.

Or you could wait until you have something worthwhile to say.

Let me think about this for a while, man.

bad taste

you've got bad taste, my friend
if you're a friend to me

make an atlas

there's a world
inside your heart
inside your head
that's all yours.
you can have it.
see? you made this
so make an atlas
draw a map
mountains, rivers, deserts, plains
oceans
massive oceans
you compartmentalize
in countries you have discovered
you choose capitals
(you think Vancouver BC 
would be a good choice)

no one can see it but you
so treat it gently
with love
like you would a newborn child
on its first day on earth

It holds me together

I'm just hanging out tonight, man. The middle of the week kinda depresses me. It's strange -- you'd think it would be the start of the week. And it probably would be, if I let it. I don't usually allow myself to think about Monday when Monday is actually happening.

That can be a good strategy, farmboy.

It's just fuckin' survival, man. That's all it is. I'm at my most vulnerable in the morning, so I try not to think about anything. 

I mean, so much of how we live is centered around The Fuckin' Job. It's fuckin' ridiculous, you know? I gotta put my work clothes on, I gotta make a fuckin' lunch, I have to be careful at work to not let my co-workers know too much about me-- just because I feel better that way. I like to separate The Fuckin' Job from my real life.

Which is music. Your real life, that is.

Yeah. That's pretty great. These days I come home from work and play guitar and sing, just because it feels good and I know I get better and feel good about myself.

You need to encourage that playing, farmboy.

Oh, I do. It's a gigantic priority. It's super important. It holds me together. I don't know how people who don't play a music instrument make it through life. I think I'd be afraid that I would just explode.

Maybe you would.

Explode?

Yes.

I guess we'll never know, now, will we?

I'm the sum total

I'm the sum total
of many contradictions
it is no surprise

that I'm so fucked up
my mind has no idea
which way I'm going

what path for choosing
the time or date or season
is far beyond me

but still I'm trying
with my imagination
to win this battle

I just can't help it
maybe it's my destiny
I will never know

I'm only instinct
strength and muscle
bone and blood
I do what I can

if I had a child

if I had a child
I'd say
"you can be anybody
you want to be
but whatever you do
wherever you go
don't end up like me"

if I had a child
I'd say
"the whole damn world is yours"
the only world I ever had
was iron clad
behind closed doors

if I had a child
I'd say
"create and discover
your own truth from fiction"
my life as a child
was nothing 
but puzzling contradictions

fantasies and reality
blended in some story book
I gazed out through the window
to see how real children looked

if I had a child
I would not drown it
like some unwanted puppy
I would nurture it
encourage it 
I would give it love
real love
despite or because of
my hatred of
myself