fainter away

I drew a picture of you
on a napkin at a Denny's
in east Los Angeles once
like I needed it 
to remember you
to comfort me
to pay my last respects
I think of you
and hope
and fear
and pray
that you don't get fainter
and fainter away

I don't want to hear nothing

I don't want to hear nothing
I'm pretending everything's fine
all the doors and windows are locked
in this life of mine
I don't need your opinion
I don't care what you say
but I know you too well, my friend
you're gonna say it anyway

I'm unplugging the telephone
I'm turning off the radio
I'm staying off the internet
I'm not learning more
than I already know
I no longer see friends
or any kind of family
I'm chained and shackled
to this life of being free

but I don't want to hear nothing
I don't want to see nothing
there must be something
up with me

All I'm looking for is the truth

Been writing. Every fuckin' day. I think -- imagine songwriting as fishing -- I've got a couple nibbles. I kinda feel like the stuff I'm gonna be writing might be a little more complicated than most of my previous stuff.

Which is good, farmboy. Change is good.

Yeah, it is. 

All I can really do is follow where the writing takes me. I know it's a craft and all that, but there's so much subconscious involved.

Maybe using the subconscious is part of the craft, farmboy. Now, I'm no expert at this subject, but I would think that learning how to tap that subconscious is part of the songwriting process, the craft of songwriting.

Oh, it is. There's so much mystery in songwriting -- maybe it's in every art form.

I think it is.

So much I don't know, that maybe I can't know. Maybe that's why there's always so much emphasis on the craft -- you can kinda control the craft. All you gotta do is harness the...I'm not sure, man. Inspiration? I don't know, man. there's such a tendency to romanticize writing.

Which might be why you use the word "mystery" to describe it, farmboy.

Maybe. I mean, all I'm looking for is the truth, you know?

See? That will lead to inspiration, I'm sure.

I hope so, 'cause it's so fuckin' hard, man. It's a lot easier to be sentimental.

the last hitchhiker

the last hitchhiker I ever picked up
was too many years ago
he was stuck south of Salinas
on a red dirt country road
he said his name was Henry
he had on him nineteen years
and all he wanted to do, he said,
was get the hell out of here

"I want to see the world," said Henry,
"and you're my very first ride
and I believe I'll do okay, man,
if I've got folks like you by my side"
as for me, I did not answer
'cause all I knew to say
was "Henry, be careful,
the world don't move that way"

I am so

I am so tired
I am so worried
I am so anxious
I am so scared
but I still
go on anyway
no matter what I say
I go on anyway
and somehow I make it through

I am so careful
not to offend
I will do anything
to have a friend
I am so cynical
I am so naive
I have a million tricks
up my sleeve
still I believe
and go on anyway
into a sky of gray
I go on anyway
and somehow I make it through

you did not return

refrigerator hums
kitchen clock ticks
there is no one home but me
water drips
dog barks
and you are not here
I wrote letters
made calls
you did not return
I cried
and tried 
to shed my pride
and still
you did not come back
home
to me

My new catchphrase

Fuck, man, it's been a bad day. Or at least a shitty afternoon. And I don't want to explain anything.

That's fine, farmboy.

Okay, I'll tell you. I'm fucked financially, so I had to ask my older brother for money, which I really hate doing. I mean, I still owe him money. But. fuck, everybody wants my fuckin' money! And, of course, I work in fuckin' pubic education where my paycheck has literally gone down. What the fuck am I supposed to do?

There's been more, but, man, I'm so fuckin' tired I don't want to get into it. Just a miserable frustrating pigfuck of a day.

Pigfuck?

That's my new catchphrase, man. You like it?

Well...no.

Yeah, me neither. I want to come up with something witty, but I don't feel witty.

It's hard to force wit.

Yeah. I'm not a real witty guy. Pisses me off.

Got my mind off of my money problems, though. If only for a minute or two.

That's something good, farmboy. 

Hey, I'll fuckin' take anything, man.