if I don't have you

finally friday
a pipe bowl of weed
a cup of hot java
and John Steinbeck to read
a bag of fried chicken 
and a brewski or two
don't mean a thing
if I don't have you

now I ain't no ordinary
man of means
but I got a few twenties
in the pockets of my jeans
and I got a fine notion
of what I want to do
but it ain't worth nothin'
if I don't have you

there is:

there is:

buzzing in my ears
from headphones I'm too lazy
to take off my head

a thousand fruit flies
buzzing in my kitchen sink
time for some Clorox

overcooked pasta
secretly wanting to fall apart
at the touch of a fork

a guitar waiting
to please my ears and fingers
if I'd just let it

These are desperate times, man

I've been worried about you, farmboy.

I'm somewhat better today, man, Which is not to say that I'm doing good, because I'm not. I'm really depressed and anxious and angry and bitter and I don't know what to fuckin' do about it. But yesterday I was...over the top, emotionally speaking.

But let's focus on now. I just scraped my glass pipe and got some resin out -- these are desperate times, man -- and smoked it and it calmed me down. Before that, my mind was just fuckin' raging with anger. I would go from subject to subject and get madder and madder.

So right now...?

I'm doing okay. I wish I had some weed. It's not, like, the fuckin' answer to everything, but, man, it sure helps with anxiety. I wish I was eligible for medical marijuana, but anxiety doesn't qualify. Fuckin' pisses me off.

So I'm all right. Thanks for your concern, man. I didn't mean to worry you.

I'm grateful to have a friend who worries about me.

Here in the fuckin' present

I don't know what to say, man. I'm so fuckin' depressed, I'm so fuckin' sad, I'm so fuckin' angry, that it may not be a good thing for me to be conscious right now. Of course I have no weed. I think sleep is the only option.

I don't want to get overdramatic or fuckin' precious or anything, but I seem to have given up. And I'm sure that's temporary, but here in the fuckin' present everything sucks. I have no control,I'm having to choose between medication and food, and everybody just wants more money from me.

What about music, farmboy? Can you pick up a few dollars that way?

I fuckin' wish, man. I can't seem to do anything right, for the most part.

Am I self-pitying or what?

This seems different somehow...

Yeah, I don't know. Again, I don't need to be conscious, you know? I think being conscious is a huge mistake.

I'm sorry.

Why are you sorry, farmboy?

Because I'm poisoning you with the venom of my bitterness.

I'll survive.

I'm going to bed, man. Again, I'm sorry. Don't worry about me. There's just been too many bad days, too much bad news, way too much bad luck. I don't think thinking is gonna do much. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing, farmboy.

You're a good person, man. I hate to subject you to...to...

To what, farmboy?

To me.

I'm going to bed now.

it all stays the same

I'm depressed again
'cause nothing ever happens
it all stays the same

all I do is work
but nothing becomes of it
it all stays the same

I think I'm worthless
and that no one understands
it all stays the same

and there is nothing
I can do about it

Mrs. Claus

Hey, wanna hear a joke, man? It's really fuckin' funny. And it's seasonal!

Seasonal? Sure, farmboy, tell me the seasonal joke.

Okay, here goes. Why can't Mrs. Santa get pregnant?

I give up. Why can't Mrs. Claus get pregnant?

Because Santa only comes once a year, and that's down the chimney!

(silence)

Well, I thought it was funny...

when I was in high school

when I was in high school
I should have eased my pain
needle in my veins
mercy in the bloodstream
when I was in high school
I should have satisfied my needs
smoked the tumbleweed
started swimming upstream

way back when
maybe then
someone might have noticed me

when I was in high school
I should have played around
with every girl in town
consequences be damned
I should have made
my own rules
marlboros would be smoked
I'd take my daily morning toke
while the doors around me slammed

way back when
maybe then
someone might have noticed me

good behavior
never is rewarded
it passes unrecorded
as you fall straight through the cracks
it's a no-brainer
"the best years of your life"
will slash you like a pocket knife
and you'll never get them back

when I was in high school
I should have ran far, far away
no reasons I should stay
it was only wasted time
when I was in high school 
I should have done all that I could
to escape the neighborhood
to find what rightfully was mine

'cause way back then
remember when?
nobody ever noticed me
nobody ever noticed me
(I was invisible)
nobody ever noticed...