People who love me

Some friends on mine got together and gave me a card with some money in it. I was so moved that I started crying.

You are loved, farmboy.

That's something I never doubted. No matter how fuckin' bad I feel, I always know that there are people who love me.

Now all you have to do is learn to love yourself.

No shit.

I can't win for fuckin' losing

I don't want to do anything. I need to practice some songs for a performance on Saturday night and I really don't want to. I'm so fuckin'...

Depressed? Anxious?

Unmotivated, man.

Anything different happening, farmboy?

Not really, except that I'm getting some sense of personal responsibility again...or maybe it's just guilt. I mean, that's the main motivating factor in my fuckin' life, you know.

I know.

You sound like you're still depressed, farmboy.

Oh, I'm sure it's there, but I don't want to acknowledge it, because if I do I'll just feel guilty. Fuck. I can't win for fuckin' losing, man.

So just play a song. 

Just one song?

For starters, yes.

Is starters really a word? Can we consult some expert on this? I'm sure expensive studies have been done.

Just play a song, farmboy.

I'll do it. But that doesn't mean I'll enjoy it.

Some kind of break

I am so fuckin' hopeless. I don't even want to talk about it.

I'm here if you want to talk, farmboy. 

I appreciate it, man. I'm just depressed. I'm not going to do any harm...

That's good. I'm glad.

...but I just can't talk about anything. I'm just fuckin' exhausted and defeated.

You'll be okay, farmboy. There are people who care about you. I want you to know that.

I know. I just need some kind of break from being depressed. And scared and anxious.

I wish I had some weed and a long weekend.

nobody

nobody sees me
nobody listens to a word I say
I still say them anyway
with my stubborn sense 
of hope

I got to take a break

I'm depressed. And I'm angry. I'm eating bad because I can't afford anything. My life fuckin' sucks. That's all I've got to say.

I'm sorry, farmboy. This depression is lasting a long time.

Yeah, it sure is, man.

The tough part is that I can't fight back against fuckin' Providence Health Plans. What a bunch of fuckin' assholes. But I got to take a break. I wish I had some weed. I wish I could buy a hamburger. What the fuck can I do?

You'll figure some way to make it through. You're a smart guy, farmboy.

I'm glad somebody thinks so.

all I require

all I require 
is a little attention
I'm like a weed
water me
I will grow
ignore me and I'll turn
in the wrong direction
I'm not stupid
this is all I know

all I require
is a little human contact
even though
I will say
it isn't true
forgive me if you can
if not,
I need my heart back
this time
it does not belong to you

I am sorry
for anything I've done
even though
I don't know
what it is

all I require
is the illusion
life gets better
and that I won't always be
who I am
look me in the eyes
write me a farewell letter
let me believe
there is hope
if I can

Fuckin' go berserk

I am so fucking angry and I can't seem to get out of it. My fucking health insurance company is so fucking evil. It's Providence Health Plan here in Oregon. They use words like compassion and they quote the Bible but their appetite for money has no limit. And I'm just helpless-- we're all just fuckin' helpless. I want somebody to get a gun. I want violence done against them...

That's not like you at all, farmboy.

I know, man. I've got all this fucking anger and it just won't leave.

Now I feel like I have a little understanding of the people who go postal and get guns and fuckin' go berserk. And I hate that. I mean, don't worry -- I'm not capable of doing that. My way is to hurt myself.

I know. Any danger of that?

I don't know, man. We'll see.