So this is outside

So I'm here at my brother's house, walking in my walker, using an actual honest-to-God toilet, and there may even be a chance that I'll get to smoke weed tonight. Actually, I'm using a vaporizer, so I don't know if I'm really smoking weed. I'm doing whatever you're doing when you use a vaporizer.

So how's it going, farmboy? Do you feel comfortable there?

Probably more comfortable than I'd feel anywhere else, man. I hate putting people out or asking for favors or needing help of any kind.

What if your brother and his family needed you? What would you do?

I'd help, of course.

So maybe they don't feel as put out as you think.

I know, I know. It's mainly my own feeling of worthlessness or one of those fuckin' human emotions. Pisses me fuckin' off, man. I project a lot.

You do project a lot, farmboy. 

Yeah, I know I do. It's too bad, too. It's not always accurate, you know.

But I'm not doing too badly for, what, seven hours or so. I'm very grateful for being here. It's good to see natural light. The driver wheeled me out to the van to take me here this morning and I thought "So this is outside." Pretty nice, man.

Welcome to the outside world, farmboy.

It's good to be here, man. It's a little scary. But it's good to be here.

That's just my anxious mind

So tonight's my final night in rehab. Tomorrow I go live with my brother and his family for what I hope is a little while. I really just want to go home to my apartment and order pizza and smoke weed, but I'm just gonna have to be patient.

You've had a lot of experience with patience these past few months, farmboy.

No shit, man. I'm so tired of all of this. I'm worried about living with my brother and his family and I'm worried about getting myself uninjured. But, you know, I've been worried about every fuckin' thing during this whole experience, so that's just my anxious mind. All I can do is do my best. and that's what I'm gonna do, man.

You're going to be fine, farmboy. You've accomplished quite a lot so far. I know you're not going to stop now.

Thanks, man. All I can do is try. I really gotta try to not doubt myself. I need to be confident. 

Which is what you should be. You've been taught a good amount of skills and, from what all the information you give me, you've been an excellent student.

What can I say, man? I try, I try.

an honest man

(Thanks to T.R. Ritchie)

this is the life that I've been given
bones and blood and heart and mind
I want to be an honest man
but I'm a creature of the human kind
my heart may break
and I make my mistakes
but the soul somehow survives
hoping when all is said and done
I can say I'm glad I'm alive

when I was a younger man
my poor brain split itself in two
I stared down a razor blade
while I was wondering what to do
all the years of pain
fell like the fiercest rain
and they cut me down to size
I never thought I'd learn to say
I'm glad that I'm alive

          now I shake my head in wonder
          how winter turns to spring
          I remember this friend of mine once said
          "when in doubt 
          do the brave thing"

this is the life that I've been given
good and bad and in-between
I tell myself cliches of comfort
but I'm still not sure just what they mean
after all is spoken
I'm still not broken
though tears fall from my eyes
I hope when all is said and done
I can say I'm glad I'm alive
after everything's been lost and won
I hope I'm glad I'm alive

this is the life that I've been given

disappearing

this is the part I'm not good at
leaving and saying goodbye
I've had a whole lot of practice
but it still brings a tear to my eyes
and it never gets easier
it never gets easier
no matter how hard I try
so forgive me for disappearing
like a ghost in the middle of night

          'cause it hurts too much
          it hurts too much
          to see your face right now
          so forgive me for disappearing
          that's all my heart will allow

That forward direction

So, man, I'm blowing this popsicle stand. I'm getting released from the hoosegow, the pokey. My days at this joint are numbered, I tells ya. 

I presume you're leaving the rehab center. Am I right, farmboy?

Yep, man. I'm gonna go stay at my brother's house for a while. Hopefully it won't be too long until I can go back to the castle of music and weed, but I can't really say when. This whole ordeal has not been necessarily predictable, man. And it's far from over. But this is another chapter that'll be done, and I fuckin' gotta move on, you know?

That's exciting, farmboy. Are you excited?

Kinda. Excited and apprehensive. I hope it's good. I'm used to living alone, even though I've been in rehabs for over two months. I've been around people more these last couple months more than I've been in years.

How was that?

Okay, I guess. I'm so fuckin' weird, man. I seem to require a lot of alone time. I always have. I used to worry about it when I was a kid, but it's just who I am, I guess. This whole life thing is a fuckin' mystery to me, man.

But that's okay. The main thing now is to keep moving ahead, going in that forward direction.

You seem in good spirits about it, farmboy.

I'm also scared shitless, man. I feel like I'm only gonna relax when I'm back in my old apartment. When I can walk without thinking, without being conscious of every step. That's the day I'm looking forward to.

what I have learned

what I have learned
is that it really doesn't matter
it really doesn't matter
what I do or do not do
what I have learned
is that all I do is wrong
and you've known that all along
this is what I've learned from you

me

I don't want to waste
the time that I have left
like I've wasted
my time before now
dreading each morning
chasing impossible dreams
accepting whatever
other people allow
I want to be comfortable
in my body and mind
before I leave
this world behind
I want to be free
to see what I can be
I want to discover
me