Assignment for therapy

The Life Compass

Parenting: Doesn't apply to me because I don't have children, but in working and interacting with children I want to be as kind and understanding and friendly as I can.

Personal growth: This is kinda what it's all about. I want to move closer to the person that's inside me instead of holding myself back and being a prisoner of my childhood. I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall in my search for personal growth sometimes. But what else is there to live for?

Leisure: I don't consider music leisure; it's my life's work. So taking that away, leisure seems to be pretty boring, with me being an observer: internet, occasionally watching something on Netflix. I don't have the concentration to read books anymore, which makes me sad. I like podcasts a lot. I like hearing the human voice. It helps me to be less lonely. I guess marijuana could be considered my main form of leisure. I would like to experiment with some other drugs.

Spirituality: Really important. Always has been. I can tell you more, but I'm generally pretty private about that stuff. One thing, though: I've had massive problems since I was a child with scrupulosity.

Health: Very important. This is one of the main mental problems I have. I'm so fat that I don't even feel like a human being. It alienates me from everything, including myself. I feel like I'm wearing my mental illness on the outside. Also, though, I would love to be in touch with my own physical-ness (when you don't know words, you can just make them up). I would love to find some physical that I enjoy doing. 

Work: It's important to me that I do something worthwhile with work. That being said, I feel that I've disappointed myself, that I could have done so much more. My current job is extremely unhealthy for me because I tend to believe it when people tell me I'm full of shit.
I feel that the life's biggest mistake was when I got the day job. I'm a songwriter and a musician. That's what I should have been doing all these years. With the exception of the children, my working life has been a massive failure. 

Community and environment: Becoming more important. Isolating myself keeps me away from community, which I desperately need but I'm afraid of. Or something like that.

Family relationships: I'm on good terms with my two brothers and my sister. I'm very close to my younger brother and his family, who live here in Portland. I talk to my other brother about once a week on the phone. We have gotten closer over time. I don't talk with my sister much, but we get along well. I love my big Mexican family and I miss my parents and my aunts and uncles and the others who have passed. I miss being around family.

Intimate relationships: I don't have any. I'm way too damaged for that. It is the saddest fact in my life. 

Social relationships: I have a hard time initiating friendships. Asking people if they'd like to meet for coffee is a major emotional production. Weirdly enough, I have a lot of friends and people I genuinely love. It's mostly because of my involvement with music and because I enjoy being friendly, at least on a superficial level. But I have a hard time reaching out (though I'm getting better) and I have very few close friends. I am always on guard with them. This is a complicated subject for me, as I was very socially isolated up until age 18. I also have some guilt issues with it because of my teenage years.

Art: My added category. This is my life's work, the reason I was born, and probably about a thousand other cliches. This -- well, and love, I guess -- is ultimately what my life is for.

nothing matches

nothing on my outside
matches my inside at all
I'm big as a house
but inside I'm feeling really small 
it's a look that I'm sure
doesn't become me at all
nothing on my outside
matches my inside at all

Kevin

I remember Kevin
I thought he was so cool
he was the only friend I had
when I was in high school
he'd helped me with my problems
and when I was feeling bad
Kevin was the older brother
I didn't know I had

Kevin told me about Kerouac
and books like catcher in the rye
he said his favorite beatles' song
was lucy in the sky
he taught me to jump up and down
but not for healthy needs
but for getting your heart pumping
it's more fun for smoking weed

he said this may be your only life
so don't let it go to waste
he was so smart
I wish I could 
have met him face to face
I only really knew him
as a voice caring and kind
from that place people call
when they're thinking suicide

I remember Kevin
I thought he was so cool
he was the only friend I had
when I was in high school

pretend

only for one moment
just for right now
pretend
everything will be okay
when you think 
you're seeing trouble
look the other way
sometimes all you can do is

pretend
you know it's not real
but desperate times call
for drastic measures
in your imagination 
there are treasures
it's okay
just for today
pretend

king of the coffee shop

I can't take any more wild parties
I think it may be time for me to stop
I'm through with Jose Cuervo and Bacardi
I wanna be king of the coffee shop

yeah, all I want are long conversations
about God and art and a world that's absurd
but everyone these days has reservations 
of anything with more than seven words

          a slice of boysenberry pie
          and a big hot cup o' Joe
          and somebody
          maybe you
          someone I'd like to know

I don't want to hear any idle chatter
I don't want to hear "I need to leave" again
I want to get to what we think that matters
I want some real time with real friends

          a slice of boysenberry pie
          and a big hot cup of Joe
          and some time that's one-on-one
          with the good friends that I know

so if you're feeling lonely
and trouble's put you on the spot
you'll know where to find me
I'm the king of the coffee shop

All this, by the way, is my choice

So I'm not sure when I spoke to you last, man. There's all this stuff going on.

Good stuff, I hope.

Some good, some I-don't-know. You know, it's hard. Every day is fuckin' hard, man. Every day I have a meltdown or two. Or three.

Did I tell you I'm gonna be going to an intensive rehab place again? 

Is everything all right with your legs, farmboy? 

Well, no. I'm still in the process of healing as far as that goes.

But what I'm doing is going to an intensive rehab for emotional issues.

Seriously? I didn't even know they had those.

Me neither. It's for, like, three days a week. I'm outpatient, so at least for now I'll be sleeping at home at night.

All this, by the way, is my choice. I asked this new therapist if such a thing existed and he told me about this.

I think this will be good for you, farmboy. I'm really proud of you for doing this, and for seeking it out. I think you're going to be just fine, farmboy.

I don't know, man. I'm putting in the work, I'm making the effort. I may not know a lot of things, but I know how to work.

you are loved

while I'm getting up in years
and still have my wits about me
here's what I want you to hear
when it's time to live without me
you are smart
you are strong
you're my friend
you belong
you make it through
when times get tough
you are loved

I may not be here to see
but that don't mean I'm gone
I'll speak to you in memory
and love you as you carry on
you are strong
you are smart
there's always room
inside your heart
you know exactly
what you're made of
you are loved

          you say no one's ever told you
          well, I'm telling you now

you make me laugh
you are wise
I see kindness
shining in your eyes
like the brightest
stars above
you are loved
you are loved