Enough fuckin' solitary confinement

Tonight I'm going to go see Louis C.K. I'm going with my brother and his wife and a former co-worker. This was my Christmas gift to by brother and his wife.

That should be great, farmboy. Especially since it's inauguration day.

That's something I am trying not to think about. I'm so disgusted with everything, but I can be strangely removed at times. I think I've given up in a way. 

Or maybe you're in some kind of survival mode. What does your therapist say?

Nothing. I haven't seen my therapist in a couple of weeks, because of the fuckin' snow.

Are you doing okay, farmboy?

I tried to remain calm the whole time and I was mostly successful at it. But I've had enough fuckin' solitary confinement, man.

I bet.

You know who I blame? The rehab places. I was just fine being antisocial and alone all the time. Then rehab introduced me to bring around people. Then I started getting lonely after I got out. I was having this weird feeling and I realized it was loneliness.

Which sounds like it was necessary. You need people, farmboy. We've had this conversation before.

I know. I'm just not used to needing people. I'm getting better at it, at least. I feel like I moved back a couple of steps because of all the isolation from the snow.

But, well, some days I feel like I'm just doing everything by the seat of my pants. I'm trying to think as well as I can. But the universe or God is pushing me into life and it's all I can do to keep up.

our secret

I will be quiet
I won't make a sound
you won't even notice
I'm around
silent as a church mouse
that's what I'll be
it'll be our secret
just you and me

keep the pain meds coming 2

I am floating
I am moving forward
like a ferris wheel
I know I should hate this
but I like the way it feels
if I have to be
in a backless gown
with machines a-humming
doctor, please
give your permission
keep the pain meds coming

          keep the pain meds coming, doc
          keep the pain meds coming
          fill my brain
          with high octane 
          keep the pain meds coming

being in the hospital
can be lots of fun
especially with
a codeine drip
and my old friend valium
don't forget the ambien
and oxycodone's numbing
I guess all this will have to do
just keep the pain meds coming

          keep the pain meds coming, doc
          keep the pain meds coming
          fill my skull
          till it's feeling dull
          keep the pain meds coming


some folks might hear this
and they might go ballistic
they'd say "boy, how about spiritual,
organic and holistic?"
well, I guess that that's okay
maybe they'll do something
but if it's all the same to you, doc
keep the pain meds coming

          keep the pain meds coming, doc
          keep the pain meds coming
          give me endorphines  
          with some morphine
           keep the pain meds coming

          keep the pain meds coming, doc
          keep the pain meds coming
          it'd be real good
          if I could feel good
          keep the pain meds coming

mister suspenders

I know the day will come
when I'll be living easy
high on the hog
off the fat of the land
a winner at poker,
high stakes and parcheezee
you may think I'm sleazy
but you don't understand

the cops like to call me
mister suspenders
the gals like to call me
the pick of the bunch
my ex-wife used to call me
"hey, big spender"
just remember
don't call me late for lunch

           don't pin it on me
           I never knew the dame
           never tasted her sweet nectar
           never knew her Christian name
           you're only looking for
           someone to take the blame
           and you're thinking that someone
           should be me
           well, I disrespectfully disagree

you look like you could be
running for congress
you look like the lead actress
on that TV show
you look like there may be
a traitor among us
beneath all the fungus
only lies melted snow

Change in a heartbeat

So it's been the coldest fuckin' winter that I've ever been through, man. Good thing I didn't move to Vermont, huh?

Too cold for me, farmboy. I was raised in the Midwest and it was nothing but snow every winter. 

I don't actually remember being in snow until I was, like, eighteen. I remember being surprised that it was cold and wet. I guess I expected it to be fluffy.

So the bad part about this snow is that I haven't been out of the fuckin' apartment in over a week. I can't leave -- not with ice out there. If I reinjure myself I'm done for, man.

No, you don't want to do that, farmboy. You've got to be cautious.

Yeah, but it's the fuckin' isolation that's the killer. So I'm trying to keep everything calm and I've been pretty successful. I know that can change in a heartbeat, but I'm thankful that my mind's not being as emotional as it can be.

Smart idea. Just lay low, emotionally speaking.

I am. It ain't bad. I just gotta be calm, that's all.

put me to sleep 2

put me to sleep
sing me a lullaby
of vials of codeine
entering my veins
put me to sleep
I'm not yet a butterfly
I'm an ugly old caterpillar
yearning to change

I need to rest
pass me some medicine
I need that bottle
to calm down my nerves
watch some TV
man, I miss Dave Letterman
giving those rich assholes
what they deserve

put me to sleep
pass me the pipe, my friend
and the wine
and the cheetos
and this week's TV guide
put me to sleep
I'm saying goodnight, and then
I'm off to slumberland
hey, turn out the light

too late for that now

all my life
I dreamed of being young
it's too late for that now
I once thought wisdom
was my native tongue
anymore I don't see how
I lost all my confidence
and I can't find it
anywhere I search
maybe it's with my morals
back when I was 
a teenager in church
Father forgive me
I have no idea who I am