damn old world

damn old world
damn old life
buy the ticket
hold on tight
grab the reins
with all your might
it's gonna be
it's gonna be all right

same old sky
same old earth
maybe I was
switched at birth
I've done nothing
in my life but search
for anything
for anything that works

give me facebook
give me twitter
instagram's 
my babysitter
I need shiny things
decked in glitter
all I know is
all I know is I'm not bitter

damn old world
and universe
you took my life
you made it worse
a drowning man
dying from thirst
am I just guessing
am I a blessing 
or a curse

A million fuckin' years from now

Hey, it's farmboy! Haven't heard from you for a while. What have you been up to?

Well, I'll tell you, man, I'm here at the county courthouse serving jury duty. I am so fuckin' pissed right now. They June let everybody go home...except 18 people for the fuckin' people they called for the jury. And, of course, I'm one of them. So now we're just waiting here because our time is worthless. Goddamn motherfuckin' government assholes. These people always think they're better than us and our time is fuckin' worthless. Goddamn it! Fuck these self-important government fuckers. Goddamn them to hell.

Wow! You're angry!

This is the way my fuckin' life is, man. Every fuckin' thing goes wrong. Nothing fuckin' matters, everyday is wrong. If I had the fuckin' balls I'd just fuckin' shoot myself and save a whole lot of time and trouble. What the fuck is wrong with me? Jesus Christ, what a fuckin' worthless life.

Have you taken your medicine, farmboy? Have you called your therapist?

My therapist doesn't want me to call. He wants me to reach out, that's what he told me, but then he says not to call. Well, fuck him. Fuck everybody. Reaching out ain't no good if you can't do it. Everybody says you should reach out as long as you don't reach out to them.

I'm sorry, farmboy.

I'm just so fuckin' angry at the whole fuckin' world. Nothing fuckin' works. Goddamn it, so when the fuck do we get to we the almighty judge.? How fuckin' long do we have to wait? What the fuck is wrong with these people?

farmboy, did you take your medication?

Yes, I took my fuckin' medication. But it ain't helping. I just want to do harm to myself. I just want to rip my own skin off. I am so angry that I just fuckin' feel like getting a gun and blowing my fuckin' head off.

Call your therapist, farmboy.

I can't! I'm not allowed to. I got read the riot act last time I called. I did call and I left a little bit of a message but I'm not supposed to call. I'm not supposed to reach out unless it's to somebody else. And I'm sure no one else wants me reaching out to them either. Fuck reaching out. People like me don't need to real out. I'm a fuckin' freak, that's for sure.

When do you see your therapist, farmboy?

Wednesday. A million fuckin' years from now. And I'm sure he'll ask me about the phone message. I'm a bad patient.

Fuck this world, man. I am possessed by hate and anger and there's no fuckin' relief. 

I fuckin' hate my life with a passion. I need a gun.  And it's not just me that I want to shoot.

Storytelling 5

farmboy is taking a storytelling class and is preparing his first story.

Outline 5

Introduction:

I was waiting for the ambulance, lying where I had fallen on the concrete and gravel, when it started raining. I thought, well, it just doesn't get worse than this. Little did I know. 

-- going to emergency
-- falling twice
-- admitted into hospital
-- diagnosis and surgery
-- moved to physical rehab, legs in braces

Middle 1: life in rehab
-- "surreal" and "time machine"
-- haven't lived with people/walls
-- preconceptions about rehab
-- having own room, friends with instruments
-- but it was the staff...
-- examples of staff
           -- multicultural
           -- caring
           -- humor
           -- staff would hang out
-- how staff broke through walls
-- making relationships w/staff
-- (song) keep the pain meds coming

Middle 2: mental breakdown

-- surgeon gives okay
-- try to stand, crying, flashback, therapists' reactions
-- the next two weeks, failure, misinformation
-- desperation, suicidal thoughts, dependency

Middle 3: leaving rehab

-- another transition
-- going to second rehab, brother's house
-- isolation and too much time to think
-- the novelty of loneliness
-- hanging out, by rehab

Conclusion: a work-in-progress

Another thing I did after I could leave the apartment and get around was get professional help. I knew I was in over my head. 

-- emotional health work
         -- therapist
         -- psychiatrist
         -- outpatient mental health rehab
-- therapist: "they are not your friends"; "live your life"

I am living my life It's not easy and I hate it sometimes. I still miss the people from the rehab and will be grieving for a long time. I still can't believe they are not my friends, no matter how I try. And, believe me, I try. But in the meantime I live my life. And I do things that I never would have done without these experiences:

-- becoming closer to a few people
-- songwriting and performing
-- storytelling class
-- Ireland

-- in other words, I'm living my life, no matter how much it hurts.  
-- playing music at rehab
-- I am a work-in-progress. I am living my life and I can only trust I am moving in the right direction.

crying uncle

I haven't cried yet today
this may be a world record
for a man whose life is troubled by
a history that's checkered
by mistakes and miscalculations
and an endless need to change the station
watch your step, man, goodness gracious
this ain't no push or shove

I haven't been upset today
that's one day in a row
for a man who's been up for one hour
only 23 hours to go
give me morphine
give me liquor
anything to numb me quicker
what don't make you well 
just makes you sicker
it's no substitute for love
let me up, I've had enough
I'm crying uncle

I haven't been mad today
but I'm setting up the trial
I'm lying to myself right now
and living in denial
don't make me laugh
don't make me cry
don't tell me your excuses why
I ain't looking for no alibi
I'm packing up my stuff
let me up, I've had enough
I'm crying uncle
I'm crying uncle

wake up anyway

what if there is no happy ending
what if hopes never comes true
what if prayers never get answered
what if the sky falls down on you
what if you don't have a reason
to wake at daybreak to a brand new day
wake up anyway

so everybody's taken you for granted
so everybody's kicked you to the curb
you've built a steel wall around your feelings
and put up a sign "do not disturb"
everyone around you is a bully
and kindness only gets in the way
be kind anyway

all I ever wanted

all I ever wanted
was just not to be afraid
all I ever needed
was love
so why is my
heart always aching
all I was given
was never enough

dear world

dear world
on behalf of only myself
I would like to apologize to you
for my country's president
his actions and thoughts
are not what I know is true
I'm sorry you have to listen to him
I'm sorry he's causing a hassle
I'm sorry that now it looks like sink or swim
I'm sorry the president's a fuckin' asshole
dear world
thanks for your cultures
the vultures are flying overhead
circling and waiting
at the government's luncheon
but their consumption won't get them ahead
and that's what I believe is true
dear world
on behalf of only myself
I'm saying I'm sorry to you