I wait (possible verse change)

I wait
for a touch like a whisper
the voice another
soft in my mind
but I
don't ear it calling
all the while I'm falling
further and further behind

I'm meditating

lazy afternoon
just me, myself and I
thinkin' 'bout thinkin' 'bout nothing
while life passes me by
I'm wasting time
the fault's not mine
and I'm
confessing to the crime
don't bother me
can't you see
I'm meditating

breathe in
breathe out
thinkin' 'bout thinkin' 'bout nothing
with too many thoughts to count
I could be doing
something else
like feeling sorry
for myself
don't bother me
can't you see
I'm meditating

          I could be self-medicating
          like I usually do
          I could be masturbating
          (I know you're thinking "ew")
          I could spend time creating
          masterworks of mind
          I could be cultivating
          something with this time

instead I'm
inhaling
exhaling
thinkin' 'bout thinkin' 'bout nothing
forget about failing
I'm right at home
I'm in the zone
where I don't think
'bout what's unknown
don't bother me
can't you see
I'm meditating

I'm off my meds

I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds 
I'm off my mm-mm-mm-
medication can be your friend
but I ain't gonna take 'em no more
those days are at an end
let's see what's next in store

          I don't give a damn
          what all my doctors say
          side effects like lack of sex
          are just too much to pay

I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
I'm off my mm-mm-mm-
 maybe I'll find peace of mind
if I leave behind those pills
not to mention the money's mine
that I don't spend on pharmacy bills

          I don't give a damn
          about all this mental health
          I don't need assistance
          if I only trust myself

I'm off my meds
I'm off my meds
that's what I said
I'm off my
I'm off my
I'm outta my head
I'm off my meds

take these memories

take these memories
pack them in a cardboard box
and hide it from me

a sick day

today I am having a sick day
mental illness strikes again
and (not to be overdramatic)
there is no fuckin' hope
does mental illness lie?
I can only guess

mental illness strikes again

you never know where
you never know when
or if it's disguised
as your best friend
but you know it's coming
'round the bend
mental illness
strikes again

it's in the water
it's in your backyard
it's like a snake
and it bites hard
and the venom flows
throughout your brain
mental illness 
strikes again

          you can push the needles
          you can take those pills
          but you won't find nothing
          to cure what's I'll

welcome to your future
made up from your past
God only knows
this time
how long it will last
breathe in deep
count to ten
be aware of who is
and who's not your friend
do your best
to not let it in
mental illness
mental illness
mental illness strikes again

Fuck you, too

What's going on, farmboy? How are you feeling? Any improvement since we talked the other day?

No, man, none at all. I thought things were improving, but they're not. They're back to the same old fuckin' shit, like they always are.

Who are 'they'?

Things. Every fuckin' thing. I can't lose weight or get in shape. I have a circus sideshow freak body that refuses to let me look or feel normal. I don't know what the fuck to do, man.

So all that anger gets filed away with the accident, my inability to have and keep friends, my complete lack of musical and lyrical talent, and the traumas and humiliations of my childhood, which I can't fuckin' get over. and, so now, here I am, broken and damaged. Thanks, life. Fuck you, too.

So now what, farmboy? Where do you go from here.

To Klonopin and weed, man. And food. And, hopefully, sleep. Anything to not have to think all the fuckin' time about how I am rejected from everything once again. I need to kill the hope inside of me before it gets me killed.

A fool never fuckin' learns, man.