born middle aged (new verses)

when I was a boy
I looked out the window to see
when I was a boy I looked out then window
what did I see
other children
a lot more normal than me

I wanted to be special
but I always knew my place
I was not a child who smiled
I always knew my place
right at the back the line
of the entire human race

headless chicken

mental illness comes raging, raging
into your brain
something flips on a switch
and then nothing's the same
and you have to believe it
you have to believe it
your mind can't conceive what's real
'cause you really can't see it
you simply must be it
the enemy in whatever you feel

mental illness comes calling, falling
into your front door
pounding, ringing, lying, lying
more each time than before
and still you believe it
still you believe
you panic as if it's the truth
your mind runs around
like a headless chicken
trying to do
exactly what it can't do

because
mental illness will find you
remind you
that all that you stand for is falling
don't answer the door
please learn from before
ignore
mental illness is calling

I did not eat the donut

today I did not eat the donut
today I did not smoke all my weed
today I am depriving myself
of all I emotionally need
today I did not drink the whiskey
today I did not buy a gun
today I entirely made damn well sure
I wouldn't have any fun

today I called my sponsor
today I took my meds
today I took all of the steps
to make sure I don't wake up dead
today I stayed hydrated
which meant all day I had to pee
man, what a pain in the fuckin' ass
it makes to take care of me

          I could do as I please
          but small victories
          are all that keep me alive
          I spend all day long
          on the right side of wrong
          the only way I'll survive
          (or so they tell me...)

today I intend to be mindful
today I intend to try hard
today I intend to open the door
and walk outside the front yard
today I did not eat the donut
I did not give in to my sorrow
today I did most all that I could
to face another tomorrow

imaginary life

every morning I wake up
and look at my Oscar
that's right, an academy award
I never feel like 
I'm an imposter
in fact, I'm well aware
it's much deserved

welcome to my
imaginary life
welome to my
imaginary life

okay?

let me be okay, okay?
even if for just one day
I want to know how it feels to say
that I'm glad I'm living
every morning I awake
to a world where I'm a mistake
my mind won't step on the breaks 
and the road's so unforgiving

I don't know what to say, okay?
there's a million red lights in my way
most of them are ones I've made
just why I have to wonder
I'm driving off my hometown pier
I know I'm going to disappear
I'm not waving
I'm drowning here
three times and I'm under

          let me be okay
          tell me I'm okay
          I only want to be okay
          but I can't be okay

anyway, 
I'm still trying, okay?
sun comes up 
another day
to break out of this cage
and look out with my own eyes
let me be okay, okay?
even if for just one day
I only want to know how it feels to say
I'm glad I'm alive

what I keep doing

c'mon, God, show me the reason
why my mind is out of whack
it must be some kind of treason
to hurt yourself and strike right back
but I keep doing
what I keep doing
as if it's gonna change somehow
yeah, I keep doing
what I keep doing
as if it stops the pain somehow
as if it's gonna work right now

c'mon, God, what am I doing
why have you forsaken me
my hope has crumbled to ruin
look where my life has taken me
but I keep doing
what I keep doing
as if I get to start anew
I keep doing
what I keep doing
'cause that's all I know how to do

          give me comfort
          give me strength
          'cause I will go
          to any length

to keep on doing
what I keep doing
to get out of this traffic jam
yeah, I keep doing
what I keep doing
'cause that's exactly who I am
that's exactly who I am

gratitude

I have a problem with gratitude
and I don't have a clue
to what's my problem
I've been told I should change my attitude
think all those problems through
and try to solve them
I'm thankful
I sincerely am
for the blessings I've been given
it's just my brain's
been a traffic jam
from the cradle
up to heaven

I have a problem with gratitude
I need to set myself loose
to learn it
but give me enough latitude
I'll take the truth
and overturn it
I'm thankful
I'm talking true
I'm privileged and I know it
it's just my brain
will not do
the new things I try to show it

I have a problem with gratitude
but I think
I know what to do now
I hope I'm not being rude
but listen
I'm telling you now
that I'm thankful
for this life
I'm grateful for the view
when I look
with my own two eyes
at you

I have a problem with gratitude
yeah, gratitude's one of many problems
but you got me feeling good
and give me strength to solve them