waiting for the other door to open

when one door closes
another one appears
that cliche tells me
the words I long to hear
that good times are coming
inner peace is getting near
so why am I in limbo
day after week after year

          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          take me where my destiny's in tune
          it's taking much longer than I was hoping
          but I tell myself it's going to open soon

you can only hope for so long
before you start to think you're wasting your time
it seems everything's bound to go wrong
and the punishment's not equal to the crime

          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          where my future's waiting breathlessly for me
          I'm tired of learning ways of coping
          I'm waiting for the past to set me free

when one door closes
there's another to go through
that's what they told me
but I don't know if it's true
because I've been very patient
though I haven't got a clue
so why am I in limbo
and I don't know what to do

          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          to sweep me up and let me come inside
          I'm waiting for the other door to open
          please don't tell me someone lied

nothing ever works

nothing ever works
nothing ever happens
just lots of other crap in
this life I go through
everyone's a jerk
when nothing ever happens
you can hear my fingers tapping
so what can I do

I can pick up my guitar
I can make a lot of sound
I'll think I am going far
till the police come around
trying to shut me down

self pity song

I don't need any more challenges
I need something to go right
I need a fuckin' break
but I don't see one in sight
everywhere I look I see
obstacles in front of me
can't somebody set me free
from this lost and lonely night

why does everything go wrong
every single day
everything keeps fuckin' up
no matter what I say
everyday I get the blues
a bushel load of more bad news
what seems to work's
not mine to choose
that seems to be my way

why is self pity
the only thing I write
everyday's the same to me
it's there in black and white
I'm feeling sorry for myself
because I am not someone else
is there anybody who can help
or are you hiding from plain sight
it's 1 p.m. and I'm saying good night
I believe I've given up the fight
against all this trouble and sorrow
all I can say is
see you tomorrow

I heard you paint houses

(inspired by The Irishman by Martin Scorsese)

I heard you paint houses
I have a job to be done
you've been recommended
as A plus, number one
I can provide the money
I have all you need
it's time to make a motion
you know you can trust me

too

I am too stupid
I am too fat
I am too this
I am too that
I am too sad
I am too proud
I am too brown
I am not allowed
to be too happy
to be too well
I am too fucked up
to be myself
what do I do?
where do I go?
I am too dumb
I do not know

I say bad things
about myself
because I am not
somebody else
everything I am
is not enough
to gain control
of human love
it is not good
to be me
find somebody else
you want to be
where do I go?
what do I do?
I do not know
but I make it through

What am I going to do?

So it's January 2nd and the world is full of trouble. I am full of trouble. Today, in about an hour and a half, I see my therapist and try to figure out whether we have to quit meeting because of insurance companies and that kind of shit. Damn. I didn't want to have to deal with this kind of thing. Everything is falling apart. And if I can't go to my therapist anymore, well...I don't fuckin' know. I don't have a fuckin' clue. The apartment is a mess, and people from the apartment complex are sending someone to look at the smoke detectors. I know this will all end, but...There's the whole money thing, too, the COBRA insurance, which is being increased by almost 50 percent. 

This is a great fuckin' start to the fuckin' new year. I'm sure more will go wrong, because more wrong always happens. God, I don't know how I'm going to handle this stuff.

But you'll figure out a way, farmboy. You always do.

I know, but that doesn't make anything any easier. I've already lost my trainer and the majority of my friends. I just keep losing people. And all this money problems. I need to find a job. But now that I'm fuckin' disabled and so old, I don't know whether anyone will take a chance on hiring me. 

Help me, man.

I'm helping you the only way I can, farmboy. All I can do is listen and occasionally offer something that approximates advice.

I know and I appreciate it, man. I just never thought it would get this bad. And now everything is falling apart and I'm a nervous wreck and there's no one who can help me. (Starts to cry)  What am I going to do?

Don't panic.

It's too late for that. Why is my life always in such a mess? Why do I have so much bad luck?

You'll be okay, I promise.

What if I'm not?

You will be.

I don't know, man. I don't know if I'll be okay because what else is waiting to destroy me when this is over? It doesn't end. These are major life things, and they just keep coming. What am I going to do without my therapist? What if I don't find a job? What if I end up without health insurance and what if I can't pay my rent? And why does this all have to happen now, when I'm crumbling under the weight of major depression. I've been depressed and anxious and scared for so long, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Help me.

I am.

I know. Thank you. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you to talk to. I feel the same way about my therapist. I can't believe the powers that be are going to take him away from me. What am I going to do? I'm desperate here.

Help me.

2020

it's 2020
I am supposed to have hope
for a brand new year

and I'm positive
that I'll find my way to hope
in the time I'm here