Pobrecito

So is this some new time schedule you have going on? I may have to adjust my sleeping habits. 4:20 in the morning, after midnight...

It's just how stuff is working out this week. Strange week.

How are you feeling?

I'm sick, man, I ain't doing so well. But I'm not, like, dyin' or nothing. I'll be okay. I just hope it's sooner rather than later, you know?

Pobrecito.

Pobrocito? Where did you get that from?

The Urban Dictionary. It means "poor little buddy."

"Poor little buddy?" What am I? Gilligan? Are you the skipper?

It's a term of compassion.

I've heard it all my life. That's what my Mom would say when we got sick or hurt: "Pobrecito." Me, I probably generally use it sarcastically: "Ay, pobrecito." Like, "poor baby!"

I meant it compassionately...

And I take it as such. (Pauses) It's kinda nice to hear. It's like you're watching out for me.

I try.

And I truly appreciate it. I still wish you'd tell me more about you.

Maybe someday I will. For for now, let me focus on you.

Are you, like, the reincarnation of my Dad or something?

No, farmboy, I'm not that. I'm sorry.

Man, I'm really glad you're here. This world can be such a fuckin' cruel and lonely place. Really, it's fuckin' hard. I mean, you know, you're one of those human being types. You gotta admit that.

Guilty.

It's kinda cool when I hear you say words like mijo and pobrecito. It's comforting. Thank you.

De nada.

Okay. You can stop now. Seriously.

Tranquilizers and asthma medicine

Oh, man.

What's up, farmboy?

I'm fuckin' sick. It's either some kind of allergy thing or it's bronchitis, I think. I been coughing and gunk is coming up and I can't sleep and my throat hurts and my nose is running and I just feel lousy and I hate to call in sick, but I really kinda had to.

That's why you have sick leave.

I know, but I'm concerned about using it all up. But I still have some and there's just a little over a month until work ends, when school is out.

I didn't know you worked at a school.

I never told you?

I don't think so. You don't like talking about work.

No, with you I need to talk about my real work...

Which is music...

Exactly.

So that's why you're so worried about money during the summer.

Right. But let's not talk about work. (laughs) Let's talk about me being sick!

How sick are you?

Sick enough to stay home. Not sick enough to go to the doctor yet. Can't fuckin' afford it. If it gets real bad, I'll go, though.

This sorta sucks, in a way, 'cause I'm going to have to take off the next two Tuesdays. My sister-in-law has a family emergency and I'm going to take care of my niece on those days. Which will be good, a chance to spend one-on-one time with her. She's pretty wonderful. Maybe we'll go to the movies, we'll probably go hear this kid's performer that she really likes. It'll be fun. Plus it's good to help out,you know. Family, that's important.

It sure is.

I miss my Dad. He used to be real compassionate when the kids were sick...

You being one of the kids?

Yeah.

Do you miss being a kid?

I think some of the things I liked about being a kid I still have. Like a sense of wonder, like imagination.

Like a love of music?

Abso-fuckin'-lutely, man. To me, it was magic. It is magic.

I bet you were a fun little kid.

I was a very insecure and shy and troubled kid, emotionally troubled. I lived on tranquilizers and asthma medicine. I was fat and had hardly any friends. I didn't like myself hardly at all.

But you had music.

I was always protected by music. And I did have a capacity for joy. Which was usually connected to music.

It's funny. The thing about growing up,you don't realize how important some things are. Like the music on the radio or an article you read or a person you would meet. It's just all real life to you, it's just part of living. You're not so aware of everything because you're living in it.

You're still living in it...

Yeah, I am. And I'm thankful and I'm hoping I'm not taking any of it for granted. But, you know, I might be and don't know it...

Because you're living in the middle of it.

Yeah. Hey, look, it's 4:20...

It's 4:20 a.m.

Yeah? So?

I'm just saying...

Man, I just had some Alka Seltzer,and I think it helped some. I'm doing better sitting up instead of laying down.

Well, you're not going to work, so you can sit up for a while.

Yeah. Good. I'll go back to bed when I'm tired so then I'll fall right to sleep.

Thanks for staying up with me. It helps to have a friend when you're not feeling good.

No problem, farmboy. Call me if you need me. Any time.

I might later on.

That would be fine. Take care of yourself.

I will. You take care of yourself, too.

It ain't gonna fuckin' last forever, you know?

You all right?

I'm, I'm...stoned and I'm sick, like allergies or bronchitis or something. But I feel all right. I made this kinda chili stew with turkey and lots of vegetables and curry and cayenne pepper.

You like that cayenne pepper, huh?

Man! I put some into the stew and then I rubbed my eye and, fuck, it hurt like fuckin' hell! Shit! I flushed my eye -- it was only one -- with water and I would try to open it but it wanted to remain shut. Which, you know, was what it needed more, I guess, so I wouldn't force it to stay open long. I mean, like a fraction of a second. I also knew I wanted to have both eyes.

Cayenne pepper, man, it's a hot one, and I always use too much, even though I really try not to.

This is so fuckin' fascinating that I can't fuckin' stand it.

You should have your own cooking show.

Yeah. I'd be great. I get progressively more healthy and more ethnic as I go along. Why am I talking about this shit?

This is what you talk about when your life evens out. Everyday living.

Everything I've always fought against to some degree.

It's there, though. Life. Sleeping, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, walking...

Fucking. Shitting. (laughs) Whining.

Singing, playing, writing...

Ah, there's the glory.

Living.

Living.

So how do you like this little moment of peace, farmboy?

I need to slow down and fuckin' treasure it. 'Cause it ain't gonna fuckin' last forever, you know? So I gotta breathe it in...

Hold it for a little while...

Then exhale.

Then do it again.

Fuckin' A, man. Do it again...

Over and over...

And over again...

Silence is sounding good

I'm tired.

Why?

I feel a little overwhelmed by the world right now. I've been talking to people all day. Now I want some time alone.

Do you want to talk later?

I didn't mean you. I mean, I don't feel like I have to perform around you, you know? I can just be me.

That's the best way you can be...

It's comfortable.

So anyway, I just turned off the radio and the silence is sounding good. I know I should be emailing and facebooking people and all that shit, but I don't fuckin' want to.

So don't, farmboy.

Okay.

Okay? Aren't you going to put up an argument?

No. Saves time this way.

Smart.

So what are you going to do before you go to bed?

Just lay back, y'know? I might make popcorn.

Wild life.

Yeah, don't I know it. But, man, I'm so fuckin' tired.

Go take care of yourself, farmboy. I'll talk with you tomorrow.

You have a good night.

Go to bed, farmboy.

Hey, like, sweet dreams, man.

Like he had a score to settle

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Finances, or lack of them

Hey you.

Me?

How's it going, farmboy?

Okay, Weekend's almost over. Spent so much fuckin' money this weekend.

What did you buy?

Groceries. Paper towels, laundry detergent, stuff I need. It's actually sorta scary, in a way. Like, I bought hardly any meat or protein stuff, you know? All these little things. Garlic powder, salt. Then stuff like coffee.

I'm amazed how many of our conversations lately have had to do with food and groceries lately.

That has to do mostly with finances, or lack of them.

Buy anything for yourself? I mean, entertainment or education or anything like that.

I'm glad you asked, thanks. I bought a ticket for a concert at a club by the Antlers.

We've talked about them before, right?

Yeah. They have this album called Hospice that I love.

Good for you.

Yeah. I figured that I would really regret it if I didn't go see them. Plus, it's a $12 ticket, it's not like a breaking-the-bank type situation.

It's good for you to go out and hear live music.

Normally I don't feel like I can afford it...

Playing music professionally, that's what's gonna make the difference.

I know.

You proved last month that you could.

Hopefully I can do that again.

I like talking about music a lot more than talking about groceries. Music's really the important thing.

I agree.

Enjoy the Antlers concert, farmboy.

Thanks.

I'm looking forward to hearing about it.

I look forward to talking about it.

And experiencing it.

Yeah.

Things are going not-bad

Friday.

Payday.

Was it Pizza Day?

No. Burrito. Carne Asada.

It was a pretty good Friday. I've been really tired and luckily I don't have a whole lot to do this weekend. I'm gonna wash clothes and go see my niece and my brother and his wife.

So things have improved from a few weeks ago, haven't they? You're not living in blissful happiness but you're not dismally depressed like you were.

Yeah, I'm boring.

Boring can be good, farmboy.

In my case, boring is good. I'm so tired of being so bipolar all the fuckin' time. I'm so fuckin' sensitive that I wanna scream.

You've been writing...

Yeah, that's been really nice. It's really wonderful to be musically active as opposed to being musically frustrated. I have to get more confident, believe in myself more, and all those fuckin' self-help cliches. You know, my problem is that I feel like I don't have a right to be an honest-to-God musician.

Your problem is that at a young age you believed the lies that said you couldn't do music.

Yeah. I don't know how to unlearn things.

Fake it till you make it.

I hate cliches.

I know. But sometimes...

Yeah, yeah, I know. Let's not focus on that right now, because things are going not-bad.

And that's good.

That's fuckin' good.