Two sorry people

Hey! farmboy! Where you been?

Oh, man, I'm sorry. I know it's been been a couple days.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Jeez. It's only been a couple days. Gimme a fuckin' break, man.

Sorry. Didn't mean to nag.

So...are you okay? You seem stressed lately.

When am I not stressed? I am okay, though. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bite your head off.

Boy, we're just two sorry people tonight, eh?

Yeah. Let's start over.

Okay.

You first.

I don't remember what I said.

"farmboy, where you at." Or something like that.

That's not so great. How about "farmboy, it's good to see you."

That'll work. Thanks.

I feel ashamed

You know, man, I'm just checking in. Thanks for listening to me. I don't know why you do, but I'm glad you do it. I mean, why...

I like listening to you, farmboy. Thanks why I'm here. You don't have to worry about the "why."

I know, but...

How was last night?

Good. Very good. Calm. I think the crying and talking to you helped an amazing amount.

It helps to get things out, farmboy.

I know, but it's so fuckin' hard for me. I feel so ashamed after I cry. Fuck, I feel ashamed while I'm crying. This is what I waste a great deal of time on: shame and telling myself no.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Anyway, man, I just wanted to tell you I'm all right and thanks.

No problem, farmboy.

Hey, you doin' okay?

I'm doing just great, thanks.

No problem.

Everything snowballs

(farmboy's face is wet with tears)

farmboy! Why are you crying? You almost never cry.

It ain't nothing, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What's wrong, farmboy? Talk to me.

It really is nothing. It's just that I'm under so much stress all the fuckin' time and it doesn't seem to ever end, and (starting to cry again) one thing turns into another, emotionally speaking, and everything snowballs, you know, and then I start thinking too much and I'm angry all the time and there just hasn't been a break lately.

So it's money, of course. I have $21 and change to last me the month, and that's like a week and a half, an that's because my prescription group took the majority of the money for November out of my account. And a relative's birthday is coming up and she's expecting a present. So...I got one present on my birthday, or actually after my birthday.

I thought you didn't get anything.

I didn't. This came after I spoke with you.

So, anyway, I ended up spending that present -- it was a gift card -- to get that present for my relative. Whom, by the way, I don't hold it against. It just seems like such a pathetic thing to have to do.

So that just led me in to my annual birthday depression, which then leads to my Christmas depression. It's starting early this year. I just need to give up on holidays, because they just keep getting taken away from me. Plus it's coming on winter, and here in the Pacific northwest it just gets fuckin' cold and dark and wet and it's, like, the most fuckin' depressing weather I have ever seen.

So it all just snowballed -- if that's even a word.

So, farmboy...

But wait! There's more!

So I go to the grocery store and they don't take my coupon...

This is after you bought the gift?

Yeah. So I'm already feeling like a fuckin' loser and I have to be careful about every single fuckin' cent I spend. Then that happens and I go in the parking lot and try to pull out and there's this fuckin' bitch behind me who's blasting her horn and doesn't give me room to pull out. So I pull out as much as I can and I get out of the car and tell her she needs to give me room, which of course sets her off.

See what I mean about nothing? This is all small, small shit. These are all minor inconveniences. I mean, really minor. But they all snowball, you know, it's like everything just escalates. It all adds together.

So I come home and get an email that a friend of mine has a brain tumor, which is not small shit. And so now there's guilt about feeling so bad, but that's nothing compared to the concern about my friend. Which is just so fuckin' unfair. My friend getting a brain tumor, that is.

This is also the weekend that I'm supposed to be in Los Angeles for my friend's birthday party.

The one you planned?

The very same.

Let me guess -- money?

Couldn't fuckin' afford it, Of course. Fuck.

I'm sorry about your friend, farmboy.

Oh, man, me too.

So don't worry. Except for my friend, it's nothing big, like I said. It just sucks, and it seems to be never ending. I feel bad about feeling bad. But at least there was some kind of relief, which there usually isn't. Except for my friend, those are silly things to cry about, and it's all just selfish self-pity. But it's good to have, for once, some kind of relief.

So there is something positive that came out of it.

Yeah. 'Cept now I feel like a fuckin' fool.

Do you have any of your anti-anxiety pills?

Yeah...

You might want to consider taking one, farmboy.

I might,

I do know I'm gonna smoke some weed. I'll eat something, I don't know what. Usually I eat something fun on Fridays, but I can't afford it. But that's little shit, too.

I'm gonna go smoke pot now. Thanks for listening, man. There are times I don't know what I'd do without you.

You're home and safe. You take care of yourself, farmboy.

I will. Thanks.

the bankruptcy waltz

all these hands

reaching out for more money

more than I have

in this wallet of mine

you can ransack my home

but I'll tell you buddy

but there's just no more money

for anybody to find

not one single cent

not one penny is found

in my bank account

in my credit limit

there's no change in my pocket

for making a sound

if you're thinking about debt

man, I'm sinking in it

so let’s drink to those

with our best interests at heart

and hope for the courage

to make a new start

you can pour me a beer

and tell me some schmaltz

while we dance to

the bankruptcy waltz

dance one two three

whoops, there goes the savings

lost in an satchel

of financial distress

dance while the

economy's masturbating

where the dollars will come from

is anyone's guess

so raise a glass to the bankers

the economists, too

all those who drink

of political wine

but keep one eye open

whatever you do

'cause smiling faces

can sometimes tell lies

so let’s drink to those

with our best interests at heart

and hope for the courage

to make a new start

as we stumble on through

this financial assault

while we dance to

the bankruptcy waltz

When it's always there

I would like to walk on the straight and narrow

but sometimes I wobble

and often I fall

How's that for a song beginning? I mean, I hope it's good. Maybe it's not the beginning. I'll find out, I guess.

It gets more and more important to me, as I get older, to write songs that are great. Seriously. I feel so conceited saying that, but it's true. They have to strive for greatness.

Saying that, you know what I need?

What's that, farmboy? What do you need?

To start another song, so I can obsess about it. (laughs) I love being obsessed by a song that's in that process, you know?

Actually,, I don't know. What process is that?

The process of when it starts being the song you work on whether you plan to or not. You know, when it's always there. In your mind, you know, endless loop. You can't help working on it.

Maybe it's like love. That just sounds too fuckin' corny, but maybe it is.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Ain't nothin' wrong, man. It's exactly where you should be.

everything gets taken away

everything gets taken away

it doesn't matter what wise words you say

time spins out of control

grains of sand

impossible to hold

the ending of a foreign film

fading to gray

everything gets taken away

hold me close

i need to feel you next to me

hold me close

and let me cry

i have tried

to do my best, you see

hold me close

don't say goodbye

everything gets taken away

it's an old time waltz

that will always be played

time escapes

without a sound

so far away

homeward bound

it's your final glimpse of glory

before the decay

everything gets taken away

Real good at abdicating responsibility

What have you been thinking about lately, farmboy?

A lot of things, but mostly worrying about whatever.

Let me tell you about a couple of things. One has to do with songwriting, which is just that I can take lots of stuff this world throws at me, but here's the bottom line: I need to write songs that are fuckin' great -- that are great to me -- and I need to stop turning away from music. 'Cause that always leads to no good. It leads to bitterness and anger and hatred and self-pity.

Which brings me to thought number two.

Now I'm curious...

My co-pays on my health insurance have gone down, if you can believe it, to ten dollars a visit. Which means I can go see a counselor to help me shed this self-destructive and self-defeating skin. We can work not just on the reasons why and the fears and the lack of confidence, I think I can find a way to do this.

That's great, farmboy. So how are you going to do this? Do you have any goals?

Well, I'd like to make my entire living making music...

Which you can do. That's what you're working toward. But I think it would be good for you to have some short-term goals. What are your goals for this week. Even just one goal is enough.

Um...Okay. I will call the insurance company about getting started with this mental health stuff.

Good, farmboy.

And, look, here's a second one. I will take a demo CD and a resume to this venue that I'd like to play at.

Two goals -- very good. How can I help?

You can get mad at me if I don't do it.

No, no, that's not my department. You have to do that for yourself. You're a grown man who is responsible -- you do it.

Yeah, I figured you'd say that.

So why did you ask?

Doesn't hurt to try. I'm real good at abdicating responsibility.

You are, are you?

I'm really trying not to do that any more. It is important to me to be responsible, to be independent. Unfortunately, that collides with my laziness and depression.

But you're a good worker, farmboy. I've seen you work.

That's because I'm afraid of my own laziness. Seriously.

That might not be such a bad fear. At least not at this time.

At this time I need all the help I can get.

That's why I'm here.

You're gonna have a lot of fuckin' work, man, A lot of work.