I would own my time

in my perfect world

I would have time and money

just enough

to not have to be

in a constant state of worry

I would work

at my real job

I would own my time

instead of running

being afraid

pretending I'm grateful

for the crumbs

(leftovers if I'm lucky)

I would sleep

in a bed of calmness

I would sleep

until the new morning comes

Music and my place in it

Man, I can't fuckin' wait till the winter break. The five-day weekend just got me going, man. This new job is so fuckin' challenging...I can hardly wait till the day when it's all automatic. I miss the school where I used to work.

Okay, enough of that. Back to music.

That's right, farmboy. But you can always talk about your job if you want to.

Oh, I don't want to. To me, this is all about the music. Maybe someday I'll talk about other stuff, but right now it needs to be about music and my place in it. I don't understand why, but right now it's a need I have. I need every bit of encouragement I can get because right now I'm at an important time in my life.

Meaning...?

Meaning that I can still make a life as a performing songwriter. I have the songs. I know that as a fact. I need to learn how to be a good performer...

You are a good performer, farmboy. I've heard you.

Thanks. But I'm still too unsure, I still suffer from this stupid worthless fuckin' lack of self-confidence. I mean, it's astounding to me how neurotic I am in that regard. It's fuckin' awful.

Something else to work on.

I've always worked on it. There's never been a time when I haven't had to work on it. Fuck.

But let's not talk about that stuff either, Let's focus on making the best album I can possibly make. Right now, that's what's important.

You're looking for focus?

Oh, I've got focus. Now I just gotta use it.

in shadows

sitting in shadows

I like to think in darkness

it's a quirk of mine

I like to just think

sometimes I feel satisfied

thinking by myself

with nobody there

except the wind and the moon

to listen to me

Burned by the future

Hey, farmboy, how's it going?

Going okay, I guess my beautiful five-day weekend is almost over.

What do you mean? It's only Saturday night.

I know. I'm anticipating, what I don't know...anticipating. I do that a lot.

Yes, you do. But at least you're aware of it, and that it may not be the wisest of things to do.

Oh, trust me, I know how stupid it is. I still do it. Pisses me off. I don't know what purpose it fills.

Think about it.

(farmboy thinks for a few minutes)

It may be that I don't want the future to sneak up on me. Or something like that. I've been burned by the future before, and I ain't gonna let it fuckin' hurt me again.

So you can't, or don't...or won't...enjoy the present because you don't want to be hurt by the future?

Yeah. Something like that, I mean. I'm sure it serves some kind of fuckin' purpose but I'm not sure what it is yet.

Do you need to know?

I think it would help, yeah. I think it would be good, man.

But you're right, I'll admit that.

Right about what, farmboy?

That I don't enjoy the present because I'm afraid of the future, or something. That's a little closer. Now I just got to figure out what I'm afraid of, and then...then we'll take it from there.

I ain't never fuckin' satisfied

Fuck, man. I played tonight at the coffeehouse and I forgot the words to a song. Fuckin' memory, man, I don't know. All I know is that it's over with now, and there's no use to dwell on it.

That's right, farmboy, and it's seriously true. You can dwell on matters sometimes.

Yeah, my dad used to tell me I would dwell on things too much. And I did. And I would fight for my right to dwell on things.

I miss my dad.

I know, farmboy. He would have been proud of you.

Those were his last words to me. He said "I'm proud of you."

That's wonderful.

I always wished I could have asked him "Why?" I mean, like tell me specifics, you know. (laughs)

I ain't never fuckin' satisfied.

That's a Steve Earle song, by the way. "I Ain't Never Satisfied." I like me some Steve Earle. I wish I knew him. Him and Jimmie Dale Gilmore.

Why isn't what your father said enough, farmboy?

Oh, it is enough. And I'm very thankful for it.

Speaking of thankful, how was your Thanksgiving?

Good. Quiet. It was just me and my brother and his wife and daughter. Dinner was great. My sister-in-law's a great cook. The turkey was cooked absolutely perfectly. I spent the night. It was very nice, yeah. How was your Thanksgiving, man?

Much like yours. Very low-key, which is exactly how I like it.

I like Thanksgiving. It's good to have a day to be thankful.

Gonna be so worth it

So yesterday while I was busy doing nothing at my fuckin' job I worked a bunch on the CD. It's good to see everything written out, you know. Anyway, what I learned was that if I were to do it as bare bone as necessary while still having some semblance of quality it would still turn out really good. Which is great to know, 'cause money, you know...

I know, farmboy. $3000 really isn't a lot to spend on a recording.

Yeah, but it's enough and I'm thankful for every cent I got in the Kickstarter campaign, believe me. I think it's gonna be good. I'm getting more of a handle on it, man.

Glad to hear it, farmboy. Let me ask you, are the new songs going to be on the CD? I have all these question, if you don't mind.

So far, yes, the new songs are gonna be on the CD. But it's early.

What else did you want to ask?

Is there a title for the album? What do you hear as far as instrumentation? What's been your biggest frustration so far?

So far the title is Use Your Words. But that could change, There's also going to be a companion CD for folks who donated money called You vs. Goliath.

Instrumentation? Basic tracks will be me solo, or with bass, or with percussion and bass. Then solos and flavoring will be played on slide guitar, pedal steel, harmonica, and violin. There will be female harmony on some songs, and a couple may or may not be on piano. We'll see. There will be piano on one song for sure, "Imperfect Prayer."

Oh, good. I like that song a great deal.

I think that song will close out the album.

I really believe in this album, man. It's gonna be a lot of work but it's gonna be so worth it.

Thanks for talking about it, farmboy.

Thank you, man, for giving me an ear to bounce ideas off of. You're more help than you know. It's good just to talk about this stuff, and it's sure a lot better than talking about depression or mental illness or money problems all the time.

Plus it's just a lot of fun. You know?

Five days off!

Finally! A 12-hour day yesterday, and 10 hour day today. And now five days off!

That's great, farmboy. How was the job?

Fuckin' boring as fuckin' hell, man. There just wasn't anything to do. Can you imagine? 12 hours of trying to look busy.

Sounds horrible.

It was. I did get to work on the CD, you know, instrumentation and budget. And I wrote a song, or, rather, the lyrics for a song. I'll show it to you. I'm not sure what I think yet.

Anyways, look, man, I'm super tired. Let's talk tomorrow, okay?

Sounds good to me, farmboy.

Tomorrow it is.