before I was afraid of you

I was kidnapped by your memory
and it took me for a ride
back to the days of childhood
and every tear I did not cry
and it drove me back 
to show me something
I forgot I knew
before I was afraid of you

your memory took the back roads
as it drove me through the past
to the sound of unbound laughter
I thought would always last
running around 
on solid ground
but in your arms I flew
before I was afraid of you

but every child grows older
quicker than was planned
and it eventually comes time
to make the boy a man
I recall only glimpses
of the affection you withdrew
before I was afraid of you

I don't remember much
and perhaps I'm better off
but sometimes small memories come
and I recall a father's love
you did what you thought was right
but, oh, the price we paid
we never knew
before I was afraid 
before I was afraid of you

playing it safe

I cut my pills in half
I got decaf in my cup
I drink water sometimes
and pretend it's 7-up
I take my vitamins
more often than not
my space at the graveyard's
already been bought
it's the deluxe plot

         I'm playing it safe
         playing it safe
         playing it safe 
         and that's all right with me

Storytelling 4

farmboy is taking a storytelling class and is preparing his first story.

Outline 4

Introduction:

I was waiting for the ambulance, lying where I had fallen on the concrete and gravel, when it started raining. I thought, well, it just doesn't get worse than this. Little did I know. This was just the first in a line of transitions.

-- going to emergency
-- falling twice
-- admitted into hospital
-- diagnosis and surgery
-- moved to physical rehab, legs in braces

Middle 1: life in rehab

-- preconceptions about rehab
-- "...surreal and time machine"
-- having own room, friends with instruments
-- (song) keep the pain meds coming
-- but it was the staff...
-- examples of staff
           -- multicultural
           -- caring
           -- humor
           -- staff would hang out
-- it had been years since I lived with people
-- insert personal info re: walls
-- how staff broke through walls

Middle 2: mental breakdown

-- surgeon gives okay
-- try to stand, crying, flashback, therapists' reactions
-- the next two weeks, failure, misinformation
-- desperation, suicidal thoughts, dependency

Middle 3: leaving rehab

-- another transition
-- going to second rehab, brother's house
-- isolation and too much time to think
-- the novelty of loneliness
-- hanging out, by rehab
-- wanting connection
-- (song) what did I do

Conclusion: a work-in-progress

Another thing I did after I could leave the apartment and get around was get professional help. I knew I was in over my head. 

-- emotional health work
         -- therapist
         -- psychiatrist
         -- outpatient mental health rehab
-- therapist: "they are not your friends"; "live your life"

I am living my life It's not easy and I hate it sometimes. I still miss the people from the rehab and will be grieving for a long time. I still can't believe they are not my friends, no matter how I try. And, believe me, I try. But in the meantime I live my life. And I do things that I never would have done without these experiences:

-- becoming closer to a few people
-- songwriting and performing
-- storytelling class
-- Ireland

in other words, I'm living my life, no matter how much it hurts. I m getting help. I am a work-in-progress and I am moving in the right direction.

Storytelling 3

farmboy is taking a storytelling class and is preparing his first story.

Outline 3

Introduction:

I was waiting for the ambulance, lying where I had fallen on the concrete and gravel, when it started raining. I thought, well, it just doesn't get worse than this. Little did I know. This was just the first in a line of transitions.

-- going to emergency
-- falling twice
-- admitted into hospital
-- diagnosis and surgery
-- moved to physical rehab

Middle 1: life in rehab

-- preconceptions about rehab
-- "...surreal and time machine"
-- having own room, friends with instruments
-- (song) keep the pain meds coming
-- but it was the staff...
-- examples of staff
           -- multicultural
           -- caring
           -- humor
-- it had been years since I lived with people
-- insert personal info re: walls
-- how staff broke through walls

Middle 2: mental breakdown

-- surgeon gives okay
-- try to stand, crying, flashback, therapists' reactions
-- the next two weeks, on deadline, misinformation
-- desperation, suicidal thoughts

Middle 3: leaving rehab

-- another transition
-- going to second rehab, brother's house
-- isolation and too much time to think
-- the novelty of loneliness
-- hanging out, down the street
-- wanting connection
-- (song) what did I do

Conclusion: a work-in-progress

Another thing I did after I could leave the apartment and get around was get professional help. I knew I was in over my head

-- emotional health work
         -- therapist
         -- psychiatrist
         -- outpatient mental health rehab
-- therapist: "they are not your friends"; "live your life"

I am living my life It's not easy and I hate it sometimes. I still miss the people from the rehab and will be grieving for a long time. I still can't believe they are not my friends, no matter how I try. And, believe me, I try. But in the meantime I live my life. And I do things that I never would have done without these experiences:

-- becoming closer to a few people
-- songwriting and performing
-- storytelling class
-- Ireland
-- in other words, I'm living my life, no matter how much it hurts. I m getting help. I am a work-in-progress and I am moving in the right direction.

(song) but I will

Storytelling 2

farmboy is taking a storytelling class and is preparing his first story.

Outline 2

Introduction:

I was waiting for the ambulance, lying where I had fallen on the concrete and gravel, when it started raining. I thought, well, it just doesn't get worse than this. Little did I know.

-- going to emergency
-- falling twice
-- admitted into hospital
-- diagnosis and surgery
-- moved to physical rehab

"There are two ways I have of describing what my experience was like: surreal and time machine.

Middle 1: life in rehab

-- preconceptions about rehab
-- having own room, friends with instruments
-- changing places with real life/movie
-- but it was the staff...
-- insert personal info re: walls
-- how staff broke through walls
-- I like people. I need people.

Middle 2: mental breakdown

-- surgeon gives okay
-- try to stand, crying, flashback, therapists' reactions
-- the next two weeks, on deadline, misinformation
-- desperation, suicidal thoughts

Middle 3: leaving rehab

-- going to second rehab, brother's house
-- isolation and too much time to think
-- the novelty of loneliness
-- hanging out, down the street
-- wanting connection

Middle 4: recovery, or something like it

-- therapist 1
-- therapist 2
-- "not your friends"
-- "live your life"

Conclusion: a work-in-progress

-- living my life
-- emotional health work
-- other work
-- songwriting
-- Ireland
-- still a long way off, but the work continues
--still needing connection
-- standing outside rehab
-- going home, where, like it or not, there is life to be lived

I remember you

sometimes I think
that prayers don't get answered
I've never believed
dreams never come true
I know for a fact
that wishes aren't granted
but then I remember you

most of the time
my mind wants to say
everything's hopeless
and there's nothing we can do
I keep planning my escape
preparing my breakaway
but then I remember you

chosen people 2

they're the chosen people
they know how to play the game
you can tell by the capital letters
that follow their names
I'd like to get to know them
but they just can't seem to see
there's a human being inside of me

they're the chosen people
east side of the street
the nicest people 
you'd ever want to meet
and it may break your heart
but you'll never get in
there's a human being inside my skin

they're the chosen people
I feel lower than dirt
it's nobody's fault
but there's only one side that gets hurt
soon they'll forget
completely about me
they won't notice they're without me
there's a human being they can't see
there's a human being inside of me