I can't fuckin' afford it

farmboy, are you crying? What's wrong?

Oh, man. (farmboy wipes his face, blows his nose)

Bad day. Bad afternoon. The day started out good. I went to see a counselor...

Wait. When did this come about?

I'll tell you in a minute. Let me get this out first.

So I went to take care of my niece at the brother's house. And for some reason I thought I'd look at my finances for the rest of the summer, and I feel like I'm fucked, man, you know? Fuckin' finances, man.

So I start panicking and I get all fuckin' freaked out. And I'm at my brother's, and I take my niece to this children's show that's free. This clawhammer banjo player. He's pretty good. You know, I play banjo, but I just can't figure out clawhammer. I always did bluegrass, you know, Earl Scruggs style, but that was back...

So you take your niece to this show...

Yeah, and it's one of those events with all these parents who are kinda...upper middle class, I guess, and the everybody's eating pizza and drinking soda and beer and my niece asked if she can have pizza. (starts to cry) And I can't...I can't fuckin' afford it. I mean, I have one dollar in my wallet...Jesus...

I am so sorry.

farmboy, don't apologize...

I am such a fuckin' failure...

farmboy...

So I have this little part time thing of babysitting my niece, and they won't need me next week 'cause my sister-in-law's mom is coming to visit, which is great, and she'll be spending some good quality time with my niece. And all that means for me is that I have next week free, but that also means I won't be making any money. And I feel bad anyway because I'm so fuckin'...I don't want to say poor...

You need the money.

Yeah.

So then I go to the coffeehouse and one of my friends is outside smoking a cigarette and I tell him that I'm too depressed to go in and that there's nothing to be concerned about and I'm trying to hold back from crying, but I'm not being successful and now I'm embarrassed and I feel guilty and I...

Guilty? What are you feeling guilty about?

I feel guilty if I...I don't want people to be concerned.

About you?

About me.

But they're your friends, farmboy.

I know. But I still feel guilty.

So here I am, at home, worried that people are going to be worried about me and then thinking what am I thinking? The world doesn't revolve around me, you know. My friends have lots of other things to worry about. I shouldn't flatter myself by thinking that people would worry about me.

farmboy?

Yeah, man?

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor.

Me too.

Did it go well?

It did, yeah. He has a dog. I mean, the dog was in his office. I like that. I trust dogs.

Excuse me, man. Sorry.

(farmboy goes into the bathroom for, at the most, two minutes. He returns, smelling of smoke.

Marijuana, man. I've earned it.

I'm not going to argue. Do you feel beat up, farmboy?

How do you know that?

You've said it before.

You know, I don't feel beat up though. At least not yet. But that usually comes with a direct conflict with another person.

And this time it's with yourself.

Fuckin' lonely, man. I'm glad you're here.