Today's adventure

Hey, there he is! How did the new routine go?

Very instructive. I hate learning lessons sometimes.

What did you learn? You went walking, right? And playing guitar, getting out of your apartment?

Oh, it went fine. Really.

What I learned is that nothing's ever good enough for me -- I mean, my own work and stuff. I went walking, I got out of breath but I still went on. But then I get concerned because it's not enough, you know. I just can't satisfy myself.

So then I played guitar, which was also good, but I made sure I played a certain amount 'cause, God knows, if I only played a couple of tunes it wouldn't fuckin' count. I demand perfection and I want it now! And whatever I'm doing, it sure can't be fun. It's like it doesn't count unless it's drudgery.

That sucks.

Yes, it does.

But you did it. That's the important thing.

Yeah, that's right. And I will realize that at some point. And I will keep doing this.

I'm working on these strategies, you know. I need to think about what's going on right now. I think if I don't worry about the future constantly, then all hell's gonna break loose. And you need to think about the future. I realize that. But, damn...

You do the best you can with what you have, farmboy.

Yeah, that's what my counselor says. But, you know, I have this stupid obsessive streak. I have to overthink everything, I can't let go of stuff. But, you know,, this stress that I'm under all the fuckin' time, man, it's gonna kill me. It's already taking a toll.

So when I get like this about worry, I'm supposed to stop and be aware of it and then center myself. So now I need to define "center" in my own words...

Which are?

Um...take a deep breath. Take more than one deep breaths. Calm down. Look at where you're at, be in the fuckin' here and now. I feel like Baba Ram Dass.

"Be Here Now."

Yeah. I've never read that, but I actually used to hear his talks on the Pacifica station after midnight when I was a teenager, a young man. They used to play all kinds of things then. There was a show by this guy named Roy of Hollywood. He's still around, by the way. I heard him the last time I was in California.

Anyway, that is today's adventure. Tomorrow I do the same thing, and the day after that and so on and so forth.

Until it becomes a habit.

Exactly. Then it'll be time to go back to work and I'll have to figure something else out.

You're in the future farmboy. Time to center yourself.

I know. So here I am, talking with you. I walked and I played guitar. I bought groceries, I did a lot of computer stuff -- you know, correspondence type of stuff, emails, that type of thing, stuff that needs doing. I called the children's center at the hospital and set up a couple of times for me to go inn and play music for the grant. (laughs) I washed dishes.

Good for you, farmboy. Keep at it. I'm proud of you.

Thanks. That helps.

I'm doing that until you can feel some satisfaction in what you're doing with these processes.

Processes?

Exercising, eating well, playing music, seeing people, getting rid of stress. Those are all processes, farmboy.

Well, then, I did well, right?

What do you think?

I'm a little wobbly. But...yeah, I did what I needed to do. I'm fighting back commenting about tomorrow, though, like you wouldn't believe. 'Cause I need to focus on...

Today.

Yeah. And today, man, I did a good job.

You did, farmboy.

Yeah.