It's hard work being so angry and depressed

I'm not doing well, man, but I am doing better than yesterday, thank God. I'm still really angry and really depressed, and, actually, I'm feeling majorly hopeless…but it's still better than yesterday when my mind was just fuckin' raging, you know?

I'm very glad to hear that your mind has calmed down some, but I'm concerned about you feeling depressed and hopeless, farmboy.

Don't worry, man. I'm supposed to buy some weed tomorrow and it'll be the weekend and I can hide away and not have to be around people. I can get stoned and eat bad food and stay in bed all day. Ain't life great? 

Just be kind to yourself, farmboy. Be calm. Try to fit in some fruits and vegetables and maybe even try to get out and see somebody. Your brother and his wife? Your niece?

I'll probably see them. A friend of mine from Massachusetts is playing at the coffeehouse this weekend, but I don't know if I can really afford to go. 

I don't know. It's hard work being so angry and depressed, and I'm tired. I mean, I don't want to be angry and depressed. You know, I feel more drugged when I'm in this state than when I do when I've been smoking weed. A lot more drugged. It's fuckin' amazing how physical anger and depression are, man.

But you say today has been better…

There's been a real improvement today. I just gotta not think so much about all the fuckin' shit my fuckin' job puts me through…puts us through. Me and my co-workers. Portland Public Schools is so fucked. I look at the people in charge and I think: These people are in charge of the education of our students? You know, from what I see, the teaching staff are all overworked and underpaid and under appreciated by this fuckin' administration. What a bunch of fuckin' leeches, man. They should be fuckin' ashamed.

So tell me about something good that's happened, farmboy.

Um…..I'm getting some weed tomorrow and it's the weekend…

Happened, farmboy. Past tense.

Well, let me think…I ate these great tangerines today. They were sweet and they didn't have any seeds and they were easy to peel. Vitamin C. I know this ain't much, but you have to look at the small stuff sometimes and be grateful, you know?