This life, man, this fuckin' life

I am trying, I am trying to salvage today. Seems like every day -- even the weekends -- are pretty much exactly the same. My life is in such a mess right now. I need to get a job badly because my fuckin' COBRA health insurance is going up by nearly 50% in 2020 and, damn, I can't afford it. I'm all stressed out. 

This life, man, this fuckin' life. Everything goes fuckin' wrong if anything happens. Which it usually doesn't. It's like I'm in this weird parallel universe where everything around me moves but I can't. I do nothing but make mistakes and write sad songs.

But today is going to be different, somehow. I'm going to write a song today or have some contact with another human being, you know, have a conversation or something. I don't know. But today has got to be different. I can't fuckin' take this anymore.

What are you going to do, farmboy?

I don't know. Man, my confidence is so, so low now. I don't know if I can do anything. I might not be smart enough, and Lord knows my luck department isn't doing too well. Everything in my life fucks up. It's the truth. I go to counseling, I meditate, I exercise, I eat fuckin' fruits and vegetables, but I can't seem to get rid of all this fuckin' bad luck that follows me everywhere. It doesn't go away. What am I going to do? Whatever I do doesn't work...

You speak as if it's coming from somewhere outside yourself.

It's both. It's inside and outside. But a lot of it is outside, it's stuff I can't help. Every day has its fuck-ups. I'm not looking for a perfect day, but I am looking for a day where something happens that's not bad. It has to exist. It can't always be bad news.

Or maybe it can.