I've been isolated my entire life

I'm bored. I try not to be bored. I write, I practice, I walk, I meditate. I do all sorts of things. But I'm still bored. And on top of that, I'm lonely. I haven't seen many people since I went to therapy on Thursday. So I'm isolated. 

Are you going to see your brother and his family tonight, like you do most weekends? That's going out to see people. It's good for you, farmboy.

I don't think that's happening this weekend. My sister-in-law is out of the state, so my brother's probably having a quiet weekend, or a weekend of getting things done. I think it's just me tonight, I'm afraid.

I've been isolated a lot. In a way -- in several ways -- I've been isolated my entire life. I like people, I need to be around people sometimes. But I just don't have any really close friends anymore. It's really sad and it's made me really unhappy. I don't know how my life ended up this way, but hardly any friends and nobody to play my music to. I just keep creating, but hardly any of it sees the light of day, as far as other people are concerned.

I wish you had an audience, farmboy. You've been playing and writing for a long, long time.

Tell me about it. It's been the main focus of my life for-fuckin'-ever. And I just never thought I'd end up like this. 

I want to say that it's all been this way since that accident four years ago, but I was pretty miserable before that. That's why I'm on so many medication for depression and anxiety. They really help. I'm very grateful for them. You don't want to see me off them, that's for sure.

Why? What happens?

I go crazy. I become almost suicidal. I can hear my eyelids opening and closing. It's truly horrifying. Better that I be on pills, you know?

Medication can be good.

Oh, trust me, medication can be good. It is good.

It's just boredom and, again, loneliness. I used to know people, I used to have fun. Now I'm just isolated. But I'm thankful for you, at least I can finally fuckin' get this stuff out of my mind.

Or I can try to.