hammer in hand

I got a hammer in hand
I'm gonna build a house
I'm gonna lock my blues in
and never let them out
you can knock on my window
you can break down my door
but I ain't gonna play
your game no more
'cause I can do what I want
'cause I'm a freeborn man
I'm gonna do it all
with my hammer in hand

I got the keys to the car
I'm gonna fill it with gas
and drive far, far away
on my own behalf
I might go to New Orleans
or down to Mexico
or maybe Montreal
baby, I don't know
I'm just like an old folksinger
this land is my land
I'm gonna hammer out freedom
with my hammer in hand

ain't got a full-time job
ain't got much bills to pay
but I got imagination
and it's getting its way
and I'm leaving today
to see where it will lead
oh Lord, grant me vision
oh Lord, grant me speed*
I'm getting out fast
while I still can
I'm building a new life
with my hammer in hand

*from "In My Hour of Darkness" by Gram Parsons/Emmylou Harris

Standing ovation

Hey, man. I did the taping for that radio show I told you about.

The one that's syndicated nationally? How did it go?

Pretty good. I made some bum notes on guitar and that pissed me off. It also pisses me off that I have such a hard time tuning on stage. But I'm thinking that it may be the way I'm turning my left wrist when I'm making the chords. I'm fuckin' learning, you know. I've spent my whole life learning. 

How did the interview go, farmboy?

Better than I expected. I loved talking about the other musicians, the ones that influenced me. I had to pick four recordings, which are going to be edited into the show.

Really? That's interesting. What did you pick?

Ummmm…John Prine, Mississippi John Hurt, Emmylou Harris singing a Gram Parsons song, and Cowboy Junkies.

What Cowboy Junkies song?

"Sun Comes Up, It's Tuesday Morning."

Nice choice.

I thought so.

When do I get to hear the show, farmboy?

February of next year.

I look forward to hearing it.

Oh yeah…one more thing.

Yes, farmboy?

I got a standing ovation.

Seriously?

Yeah.

How did that make you feel?

Well, it was great, of course. But also hard to accept.

That doesn't surprise me.

Yeah. It doesn't surprise me either. But I'm working on it, man.

Mexican hillbilly

So I need to talk to you. Got a minute?

Sure.

I wanted to apologize for lecturing you yesterday. I could have said it nicer. I'm hoping you didn't feel attacked. (pauses) Did you feel attacked?

Yeah. I wish you had said things nicer too. Because then I go and blame myself and feel guilty and then I feel like I have that much farther to go as far as getting my life together. Which is just me. I feel shameful, and when you do that, you're just adding shame on top of shame. Fuck, I already have enough shame in my life.

I wasn't saying "If I ..." because I wanted pity. I said that because I feel that. I actually feel totally defeated and I'm trying to overcome that.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

What are you sorry for?

For being frustrating.

(Shakes his head) You know, can we...

Start over?

Start over. Friends?

Friends.

Good.

I'm glad that's out of the way.

It's a relief.

Yeah.

What's going on today?

Trying to get through with being moody to people I work with. I like the people I work with. I don't want to subject them to...to the emotions that have been going on lately, you know. Plus, I don't want to focus on the bad stuff too much anyway. I'm exhausted from analyzing so much. I need to clear my mind.

I finally sang yesterday. I kept playing guitar and I wrote but I didn't sing, and I didn't even realize it until I sang.

What did you sing?

I sang this song by Gram Parsons called "Juanita." It's got this great line:

I don't know what I done

And I'm feeling so ashamed

I also sang this new song I wrote, and a couple of other things. Well, actually, one was an instrumental, this fooling around in A minor, but then it modulates. It kinda reminds me of traditional Jewish music.

Pretty good, coming from a recovering Catholic.

I love those kinds of melodies. That kind of music just shows me some insight into the emotions of minor keys. You know, how those kinds of melodies can be so soulful. And they can be really sad. And normally I use minor chords as kind of "passing through" chords.

Fuck, man. I don't know if I'm even making sense. I feel like such a Mexican hillbilly in that way.

Mexican hillbilly?

See this dark skin? (points to arm) I'm Mexican, man. Which is a good thing. A very good thing.

The hillbilly part just means I feel like kind of a hick because I'm not formally trained. I mean, I gathered stuff from school, but also from tons of other places, and generally I don't learn a lot of things until I have to. I hope I didn't offend you or anything. I should think more before I say things. Sometimes I think someone should just put a muzzle on me.

(The interviewer looks at Farmboy but remains silent)

Okay. I know. I shouldn't say stuff like that.

I didn't say anything.

I'm just sayin', is all.