Everything is a trigger

So, man, I'm so sorry I've been out of touch. A lot has happened, but I don't really want to go into it. 

You don't have to get into it, farmboy. I understand. I just presume you're off writing. That's a good thing. Isolating yourself, not so great. But you know the difference...

Sooner or later...

You're a good learner. If nothing else, I'm sure of that. What's going on?

Like you said, I'm writing a lot. Doing a lot of writing on mandolin.

There's a little challenge.

It's good to write on an instrument you're not very good at. It frees me up, somehow, if there are some kind of limitations set up. And if you're struggling to play an A chord, like I am, that can be good.

I saw Ry Cooder a few nights ago. He's my favorite guitarist, and he was so fuckin' good. It's really wonderful to get out, the summer's been so nice. Which is not to say everything's perfect, far from it. I still have that depression stuff most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I can't stop and think because I'll eventually wind up thinking about something that will make me sad. Everything is a trigger.

I remember. Are you still see your therapist, farmboy?

Yeah. It's a fuckin' miracle, man. Health insurance is a problem, but I have it worked out for the most part. At least for right now.

My therapist is great. I have great people helping me on this journey since the accident.

And I have you, too. Thank for being so understanding, man. I owe you.

My all-time favorite guitarist, Ry Cooder

Three day weekend, man. 

Columbus Day?

Fuck, no. It's got something to do with money and and shit but I don't have a fuckin' idea of what it is for sure. I think it's got something to do where it's an unpaid day for us, of course. But at this point I am in desperate need of a three day weekend, so I ain't questioning anything.

Hey, did I tell you about the concert I went to? 

No, farmboy. Who'd you go hear?

My all-time favorite guitarist, Ry Cooder. With Ricky Skaggs and his wife Sharon White. All three were just fuckin' amazing, man. Cooper...fuck, he's just fuckin' fearless. They did lots of harmonies with Cooder singing bass and doing a damn fine job of it. Skaggs was wonderful. I've loved his music for a long time. Sharon was also great and her harmonies were exquisite.

Exquisite. That's not a word I hear you use often.

It well may be the first time I've ever used it, I don't know.

You know, it's good to hear that you're going out and doing things. Especially going to hear live music.

Yeah, I don't do that too often. I need to start taking advantage of living in a city, doing stuff like that.

Maybe you'll do something this weekend?

We'll see. 

Trusting my own species

So how'd it go?

Went well. Went very well, really. I wasn't bitter and I wasn't obsessed with the stuff that had happened before. I did think, at one point, that it's pretty easy to not feel super awkward when the folks you think you've had problems with are all oblivious to it all because you never let your feelings be known.

I am so fuckin' wordy.

Here's just an observation...

Opinion.

I think, if you could, you would just edit and rewrite everything, especially your own life.

Well, who wouldn't?

How was the performance itself?

Good. I only made one mistake, which was leaving out this thing I do with hitting two harmonics simultaneously. But nobody knows that that's how it's supposed to go 'cause that's the way I hear it in my mind. So it wasn't really a mistake. It was an omission. I'm no Ry Cooder, you know?

So, was it a successful night, in your opinion? Are you glad you went?

I'm glad I went.

The, um...the thing is, I'm so fuckin' hungry for friendship, for people to care about me, and for people for me to care about.

This one friend of mine hugged me, I mean really hugged me. And I kinda just...I kinda rested my head on his shoulder and he hugged me again and I felt like I was a little kid. He may have even tousled my hair. (laughs) I mean, it wasn't any kind of, like, sexual thing or something. It was so innocent. I mean, it was really like being this unloved lonely little kid and then you were actually accepted. And I felt like I was hugged by people all day long. Because I was. And I'm not used to that, I mean...I hadn't seen friends hardly at all since early December and I was fuckin' starving for affection. And...I'm not used to being open to it. And I needed it, I needed to be accepted by other human beings. And I'm not sure I've ever trusted my own species, you know? I get along better with dogs.

It scares me, you know?

I bet.

Fuck, I'm so fuckin' lonely. I have friends and I can't really accept their friendship, it's so hard for me to open up myself. And I was guarded all day long to a small extent. But then when I got hugged by my friend, I...I kinda opened myself up.

Man, I'm so fuckin' messed up inside. I used to have this fantasy -- I haven't thought about this in years -- that I was in a room with everybody who ever meant anything to me and they all took turns hugging me, I mean really hugging me. And I would start crying like I would never stop crying. And there was the feeling that it could never be enough.

And, the thing is, I'm not much of a hugger or a cryer...

I've seen you cry.

Yeah, but you see me when I'm at my most vulnerable. I'm not this way with anybody else. Plus, you haven't seen me cry that much.

Okay, it's rare. But there's nothing wrong with it, you know. But if you want, I'll never bring it up again.

Oh, I don't give a shit. I already pour out my soul to you. I always end up whining when I talk with you.

No you don't. What you do is you end up feeling.

(hangs head down) I am so tired.

I know, farmboy. You've had a busy day. I'm proud of you.

(surprised) Why?

Because you're a lot braver than you'll ever know. Plus, you're a good guy.

(whispers) Thanks.

I'm serious.

I know. Thanks.