Our hero basks in the glory

So did you do it?

Do what?

Did you join Elder Audience?

Yeah. I came home from work and answered facebook messages I'd been putting off and some other work stuff and I applied and sent my stuff off to Elder Audience including a short description of me as a folk singer for senior citizens and a photo of me and my guitar. Have I ever mentioned that I love my guitar? Anyway, I did what today's goal was.

Okay, get prepared: I'm proud of you.

And our hero basks in the glory...

Is this you? Is this farmboy? You sound almost happy...

Basically, I'm proud of myself because I was able to accomplish something. And that's hard for me, this music business thing, it's, like, excruciatingly hard for me. You have no idea.

I think I might. I would think it would be hard to sell yourself when you think you're a shithead most of the time.

(quietly) Yeah.

What about a goal for tomorrow?

I was thinking of me writing the bio for getting jobs at churches. Either that, or coming up with something to give the people hiring when I goo after the church gigs.

That sounds good to me. Hey...

Hey?

How're you doing, farmboy? You doing okay?

Yeah. it's funny. I was basking in the glory a minute ago, but now I've calmed down since I had to think of the next step. Not that that's bad...

You just could have used some more basking...

You know, is that a word? Basking?

(laughs) Farmboy, you are a funny guy, you are.

On music time

It's been a hard day.

What's wrong about it?

Oh, work stuff. We had this meeting with this lady from HR and she was so fuckin' condescending to all of us. And it makes me mad and I don't want to get into it 'cause that's about work and we're on music time now.

I understand. You know I'm here to listen to you, including work problems...

Oh, I know. And if it ever comes down to that, I'll take you up on that. But, for this one, I think I'll be resentful if I spent this time on her and what her kind represents.

Now I'm really curious...

(laughs) I bet. But, no, that's enough and I got that out, in some kind of fashion, I don't know.

I'll tell you what, man, what I need to get on is this music stuff, because I need to make money fast. Like now. And, fuck, you know, it's me. I'm the one standing in my own way, like I'm so fuckin' afraid or ashamed or something.

Wait, wait. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about just trying to get gigs. You know, there's these concrete steps I can take. I can join the Elder Audience thing they have here in this town, and I can probably get some gigs playing for senior citizens, and there's a couple of churches I'd like to play at. I got to jump in there, man, I've gotta stop being so shy and scared and...whatever...ashamed...

Ashamed?

Oh, man, I'm so fuckin' ashamed of who I am...

Why?

You know, physically and vocally and I'm not exactly the smartest guy around.

You do have to jump in, farmboy. You have got to disprove whoever that voice is telling you that bullshit.

Bullshit?

You know you're not stupid. You know you're talented. But you've got stuff stuck in your head so deep that you're going to have to fight and work hard to get it out. I can't do it for you...

You know, you're not telling me something I don't already know. Give me some ideas...

Elder Audience. Join it. Tomorrow. If nothing else, join it.

Okay. And then?

Then you think of a goal for the next day.

Will you help me?

Sure.

Cool.

Remember that for me

Oh, man. This is, like, a cry for help 'cept I don't know who I'm fighting against.

Huh? I don't understand...

Oh, it's me, moanin' again. I don't feel...it don't fuckin' matter, you know, I need to go to bed. I'm just feelin' sorta out of it. But, really, I'm all right and I'm looking forward to laying down and falling asleep.

You sure?

Yeah, I'm just continuing on with that moaning thing I was telling you about. You know, it's definitely musical. I was thinking about that. It just feels so good to moan, to sing, sometimes. My way of moaning around you seems to be "Oh man."

So I don't need to be concerned?

No, I'm fine. It's just this thing where it feels good to vocalize. I'm a fuckin' musician, man, that's what I do, that's who I am and that's how God made me...

That's how God made you...

Hey, man, can you remember that for me? 'Cause I'm too tired and my mind is scattered and nI've been smokin' that old reefer again. But that's important, about God. Hey, do you think maybe that's right? Maybe it's correct? Maybe God made me a musician...

It's worth looking at. Do I have to worry about you tonight, farmboy?

No. Take the night off.

Hey?

What?

Tell me I'm okay?

Where'd that come from?

I've just been vulnerable, and...fuck, man, you're the only one I can go to and ask for support. There ain't nobody else, man, there's just you.

Oh, there's other people. You just won't let yourself reach out.

So just humor me, all right?

Okay. But I'm really being sincere here. You're okay, farmboy. You're a good guy and I'm proud of you.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

Goodnight, pal.

G'night.

Moaning and singing

(whines) Oh, man...

What's wrong, farmboy?

Oh, man, I just want to make my life better. I don't know, I just kind of feel like moaning. I mean, it makes me feel better, it's a relief, it's a physical thing. Fuck.

You know, this moaning feels so good that I wonder if it's musical as well as emotional. You know, a form of singing.

That makes sense. I wouldn't think it would be that far removed from the blues.

Yeah. Singing's a funny thing. I'm not a good singer. I mean, I'm generally in tune and stuff and I don't think I'm generally offensive as a singer, but I'm not a good singer, you know? But I love to sing. I mean, I loooooove to sing. And it's a need, a physical need. I have to do it, it's my lifeblood.

And I love that, that it's such a primal thing inside me. I mean, that there's such a burning, physical need to sing, regardless if anybody's listening or not.

Let me interview you about singing. What's your favorite song to sing?

Oh, fuck, I've got a whole ton of songs I like to sing. Some are songs where I play guitar , some I just sing acapella. Some I barely know. I like "The Losin' End" by Neil Young. There's one. I love to sing that song. I love that melody. Neil Young's got an amazing amount of incredible songs.

I also really like Neil Young as a singer, too. He's not a conventional singer at all, but he's himself, you know, he's completely himself. And I think that's what every artist should strive for. I mean, in all art.

Fuck, I am being pretentious as all hell. (laughs) I'm stoned, can you tell?

I enjoy it when you philosophise about music. Actually, I think it's good for you.

In a way, I think it's good for me, too. It's good for me to think about these things, to form my own opinions about stuff. To take that part of myself seriously.

So basically, I smoked pot and talked about music, about singing. No harm in that, right? I'm now feelin' so bad anymore. And that, my friend, is cool.

No need to moan?

Oh, there's always a need to moan. But sometimes it's a happy moan.

Day off

I'm...

Tired.

No, I'm...

Depressed.

No, I'm...(laughs) Hey! Fuck you!

What's up?

Everything but my paycheck! (mimes imaginary rim shot)

How've you been these last couple of days?

Okay. It's the weekend and I'm taking off Monday, so it's a three-day weekend. Hey, how've you been?

Good. (pauses) Life is good. Been writing?

I'm still finishing this other song, which I think I maybe love. It's sorta different for me and it surprises me, which is, like, the best thing for a songwriter like me. I mean, I can't afford therapy. I would if I could.

So you're musically active?

Yeah, I feel good. It's like a physical thing, this music stuff. I've been very blessed, you know, by having this music passion thing I got.

That's so great.

Yeah. I don't know how people live if they don't play music. I guess they have other passions. But some people don't, you know. Hey, I was supposed to go out tonight, to a party, but it was cancelled. I was okay with that. I'm not much for parties...

Or people in general.

Yeah. (laughs) So, it was kind of a relief. Not that I didn't want to go, but that I didn't need to go. Which is an improvement over how I usually am, you know.

So emotionally, how are you doing? You sound good.

I'm doing pretty good. I've kind of taken the day off. That was one of the last things my Dad taught me was the value of taking a day off. His last good day, he was awake that all the things he had to do had been done for the day, and he was happy and said to my older brother "I'm taking the day off."

That's nice.

Yeah, it is.

So you're taking the day off?

In a way. I'm going to play guitar. I'm sure I'll play on the Internet, eat supper, maybe exercise a little. I gotta find some new things to do.

Like what?

I don't know. But, like, sometimes I go into my bedroom just because it's a change from the other room. Today was a beautiful day, but I didn't go outside once.

You took the day off!

Yeah!

(serious) You okay, farmboy?

Man, I don't know...How'd you pick up on that?

I'm getting to know you more and more. You seem scattered.

That's a good way to put it. But I really am okay.

Just taking the day off...

Just taking the day off. Yeah, I feel a little...unstable.

Don't hesitate to talk to me if you need to. You can talk to me as much as you want. Seriously.

Thanks.

No problem.

Someone on my side

Remember the last time we talked and you made up a verse right on the spot?

Yeah?

I thought I should tell you that you should do that whenever you want. I think that's good for you.

How so?

You need to get as much validation as you can for being a songwriter. That's what you do. So the more you do it...

Tell me tell you, one of the reasons I play guitar as much as I do -- not that I play guitar that much, but I aim for three times, three periods a day -- is because it gives me this hope, you know, the feeling like I'm working on stuff. It gives me a sense of purpose and a sense of worth.

I make up a lot of tunes, instrumentals on the guitar. I improvise a lot. I would really like to learn to play with words as much as I do with music. I used to a lot when I was younger, and I still do sometimes.

So I make up a lot of silly things, you know. I have a niece, she's, like, three and a half. I'll make up silly songs around her. I makie up songs at work. Generally nothing serious, but...I agree with you, I should do it more. Anything I do, creative-wise, is pretty cool in my opinion and should be encouraged.

Hey, you ever do anything creative, man?

I interview talented and smart people.

Oooh, good answer, good answer.

It's true.

You know, you're a good guy. You don't have to say nice things to me.

Why not?

Oh, man, I'm just keeping it light. I mean, we can just talk, you know. It doesn't always have to be about me and all my many emotional problems and my tragic past. It can be about you, too.

But that's not why I'm here.

Okay. Whatever. But I just want you to know that I can listen, too. And you can tell me stuff, too, if you want.

I appreciate that.

I'm serious, man. Give me a chance some time to be your friend, too.

That says a lot about you.

It's not about me, goddamnit. Stop bringing it back to me.

Okay. I'll just say thanks.

You're welcome.

Thanks for saying that I'm a good guy. I do appreciate it.

I'm serious. You are a good guy. (pauses) I like talking with you. I even like it when you give me a hard time sometimes. (pauses) It's good to have someone on my side. Thanks.

You're welcome, farmboy.

Oh, man, this is pathetic. We're just getting fuckin' sappy now.

Ain't lookin' for trouble

Good to see you. You okay?

Yeah. It's so weird, man. When that happens to me...It's like I lose it, I escalate. I get to a point where I'm just panicking...is that a word? I get to where I'm full of panic and I lose control. And it comes to a head or something and then I deescalate. I think that's a word.

What's a word?

Deescalate. De-escalate. You know: verb; to no longer escalate, or, maybe, to go back to where you were before.

No wonder you're exhausted afterwards.

No shit.

How are you doing right now, farmboy?

Oh, I'm layin' low, you know.

I ain't lookin' for trouble and I don't want trouble lookin' for me

I ain't lookin' for trouble and I don't want trouble lookin' for me

But I've had nothin' but trouble, darlin', far as my eyes can see

See? I told you I was a songwriter. See? It just turned into the first verse of some blues type song

It's like magic, I tells ya, magic!

I see.

Not impressed?

Not surprised. You're a talented guy

I really am not looking for trouble right now. I just want to relax, to be peaceful, to breathe freely, to not be afraid so much, you know? I need to lay down in the high grass and feel the wind on my skin. I want to know how it feels to be non-self-conscious. I'm always so fuckin' conscious. Like I'm looking out at myself. I'm always the observer.

But, you know, I'm thinking maybe I don't want to go there right now. I'm thinking I want to be at peace.

Are you at peace?

I'm never at peace. I don't know if many people are.

But you know, I'm feeling the need to be at peace tonight. I'm gonna eat something, do some mindless surfing on the internet, and sleep a long, peaceful sleep aided my my old friend Mister Reefer and some African guitar music turned down low.

Sounds good. Have a good night.

You too, man.

Glad to see you're okay.

Thanks.