In the here-and-now

Hey, I hope you don't think I'm ignoring you.

I don't.

Well, good. First there was the housesitting and now I have a friend spending a couple of days. It'll get back to normal soon. 'Course then I have to go to California for a little while.

Which is good. Very good, to be correct. This is what you're supposed to do: See friends, play music, live life.

Oh, I don't know if I want to go that far...

That's what you're doing. Living life, having experiences. I know it's fun to live in solitude with the internet and marijuana and food, but it's not good for you to do that all of the time. Think of it like an investment: You're saving up experiences to be memories in your future.

Even though you could just enjoy them in the here-and-now, farmboy.

I know. But I fuckin' like isolating myself...

It's like I said, that's fine sometimes. But not all the time.

But, anyway, you're doing fine. You're being social. I'm proud of you for that, I really am.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

I'm gonna go out, go to the music store and hang out and look for a birthday gift for my niece. She's gonna be 4 years old on Thursday.

Are you going to get her something from the music store?

I hope so. I'm gonna look.

Have a good time, farmboy.

Hey, it's a fuckin' music store! How can I not have a good time?

In the dark

(farmboy walks in the door)

Honey, I'm home!

(laughs) You're back! How was the housesitting?

It was air conditioned.

That's all?

Oh, man, that's enough. It was so fuckin' hot...

It reached 100 degrees!

Man! I was so fuckin' glad to have air conditioning. Plus there's Annie the dog and I just spent a lot of time sitting with her. What a beautiful dog. I did play the piano, but not much. Mostly I listened to podcasts -- some Ira Glass stuff -- and sat in the dark with Annie and thought.

It was good fun. But it's so fuckin' good to be back. What did you do?

Now, farmboy, this is about you. Remember?

Hey! You told me I could ask you questions but only one at a time. So that means I get to ask you a question: What the fuck did you do this fuckin' weekend?

Okay. Simple enough. I did some reading. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. Interesting book. Have you read it?

No, but I keep meaning to.

It's good. Also, I listened to some music. I laid on the floor in the dark and listened to Miles Davis.

Cool. Were you high?

One question only, kiddo.

I guess I know the answer to that one then.

The answer is no.

Did you inhale at least?

Let's move on, farmboy. You like some Miles?

I'm so ignorant of jazz. I've heard just a little bit of Miles Davis. I have a couple of recordings of him,which I should listen to more. So you like jazz?

I'm like you, I just want music I like. I don't know contemporary jazz at all, but I like a lot of the older stuff.

Wow. I'm glad you told me that stuff. I always wondered what kind of music you like.

We can talk more about music any time. I listen to a lot more styles than jazz. I'd like to hear recommendations from you.

I didn't know other people listened to music in the dark. I love doing that. Most of the time when I'm listening to music in the light of day I end up closing my eyes. It's better for concentration. I think listening is an art all unto itself.

I agree.

Thanks for answering my question, man.

Thanks for asking.

Suenos dulce

So. Hot enough for you?

I wasn't aware that it was Cliche Day.

Yeah, it's hot. High of 97 degrees, man. So I'm going to be housesitting the next few days. A house with air conditioning, man!

Cool. Literally.

Air conditioning and a dog. And a piano.

What are you going to do there?

Probably write a song and figure the CD out and probably read, I'm not sure what yet. Stay cool. I don't do hot all that well, when you get 95 and above.

What else is going on, farmboy?

I'm going to California in a couple weeks and...I just don't feel like going into the money stuff right now. I'll just say that there ain't nothin' new.

Plus, you know, I just want to ignore all the stuff in my mind and...I don't know. Relax isn't the word I have in mind. Not deal with things until tomorrow.

What did you do today?

I filled out the volunteer form, which was a pain in the fuckin' ass. This is for the grant thing I told you about. Went to an orientation meeting. also for the grant thing, the playing music for kids with disabilities thing. Made the decision to go to Cali and bought plane tickets. Muy cool, verdad? I am so surprised I did that. I'm proud of myself.

Wait, I didn't hear you, what did you say?

I said I was proud of myself...

You said what?

I said I was...you motherfuckin' sonovabitch! (laughs) Okay, you got me, man, I'm fuckin' busted.

Have a good night, farmboy. Suenos dulce.

Yeah, sweet dreams, you too, man.

Can I afford this pound of ground turkey?

Oh, man, I tell you, I'm having a rough time today.

What's up, farmboy?

Two weeks into summer and today...I always feel like I'm such a failure. And today I woke up and smoked pot, which I've been doing way too often. I felt ashamed, so I did the things I was supposed to do. I even though about it triage-style last night. You know, what needs to be done most, what do I need to start doing. And I did a lot of that stuff, even though I really didn't want to. But it wasn't this apathy thing, it was like "I'm tired of always having to do things."

Were you feeling rebellious?

You know, even that's the word for it. It's more that I was just fed-up and I'm tired of worrying and being stressed out. You know, I get tired of being so fuckin' afraid all the time, like I'm going to be found out. All these fuckin' insecurities, you know? Pisses me off.

I've got all this stuff going on. I'm really working on eating better and exercising and I'm doing pretty well. But, you know, it takes a while to feel different and I'm still at these fuckin' baby steps with that. And I got to figure out my family reunion and I want to make a CD before I go and...

Sounds like a lot of stuff, farmboy.

Yeah,, and I've been performing, too, and I'm always concerned about money,

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. And I wanted to have a witness that I'm walking and eating fruits and vegetables and playing guitar and being social.

I just get so tired of worrying sometimes. I'm so tired of living in fear, like, can I afford this pound of ground turkey? Am I doing okay? What about rent? What about credit card bills? I need my songs to be better! What if I forget the words? Why aren't I in a relationship? Why don't I feel the need to be in a relationship? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? What happens after death? Look at all these people in need in the world! What if the economy never gets better?

That's a lot of worries, farmboy.

Yeah, and I haven't even skimmed the surface.

Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

No problem. (laughs) Now go on your way unencumbered through life!

Oooh, what kind of high-falutin' talk is that?

I was referring to that Emerson quote you have on your refrigerator, farmboy.

Yeah, he's a smart guy.

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Start over tomorrow

Man, I tell you, my mind's so fuckin' scattered. But, look, I did the deep breathing thing...

Good.

,,,and I've come to the conclusion that all I can really do about it is just fall asleep and, like, start over tomorrow.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay, farmboy.

You're not going to analyze things, or ask all kinds of questions, or...

Nope. You're free.

I appreciate it, man.

A little after midnight

Hey! Good to see you.

Did I wake you?

No, it's just a little after midnight. I was up, it's fine. What's up?

Oh, I'm just checking in, man, let you know I'm around.

Yeah, it's been a couple of days. Have you been busy?

A little, yeah. Took my niece to see Toy Story 3. It was a great movie, best of all those Pixar films that I've seen. Really fuckin' excellent.

I had a great time with my niece. She's so smart, she's so happy. I mean, she has moments, you know, like every kid. But I see a lot of happiness in her. I love her so much.

You know, it's late and...

We'll just talk again tomorrow or day after. But I want to know: Are you okay, farmboy?

Yeah. I'm just a little tired. But, yeah, I'm okay.

I ain't never fuckin' satisfied

You know, I just don't know what I'm gonna do with myself.

How so, farmboy?

I'm never fuckin' satisfied, y'know. I ain't never fuckin' satisfied. There's an early Steve Earle song called that. "I Ain't Never Satisfied." Good song.

So tell me about that. You sound like you're really angry -- at yourself.

I am. 'Cause I really am never satisfied. Like, see, I saw that there's gonna be this big folk music festival in August, I think, and I got super bummed-out because I'm not playing in it. So I'm driving to the coffeehouse and I see some people walking somewhere so I start thinking "I bet they're having fun." And then I think, what the fuck, I'm going with my guitar to the coffeehouse where I'm going to see friends and play music. What the fuck. man! I am such a fuckin' asshole.

No you're not. If you were an asshole, you wouldn't have noticed it or questioned it.

Oh. (pauses) That's true, I guess.

But it still pisses me off that I'm always wanting somebody else's life -- not even real life, but what I'm projecting onto these strangers. Fuck. I hope you know what I'm trying to say.

I think I do. Are you stoned?

Me?

Never mind. In this case, farmboy, I think it's a really good thing that you're not satisfied. You have a right to live your own life.

Thanks. I'm glad you understand.

It's the anger at yourself that's not any good. Take a deep breath...

Again with the deep breaths...

,,,instead of immediately beating yourself up. Move on, farmboy.

Move on?

Yes. Instead of all the self-loathing and self-hatred.

I don't know if I can.

It might take some practice. It might be hard. But just try it, farmboy.

Um...let me think about this, okay?

Can we come back to this stuff?

Yeah.

Soon?

I said yeah.

Tomorrow, farmboy?

You got it, man.