Working towards moderation

So today I totally blew it. Day number two and I'm already a fuckin' failure, man. Pisses me off. I am such a loser. I mean, if I had brains...

Okay, what would your counselor say?

Um...

He'd probably say okay, you feel bad. Notice it, notice how it made you feel, then move on.

Move on? I am not good at moving on.

I've noticed.

Now, what's that supposed to mean?

Okay, look at things, farmboy. How can you prevent this from happening again?

There's got to be an answer for this. I just can't think of what it might be.

I can go back to sleep. What I did, I slept for a few hours and it was dark and wet outside and I just lost my fuckin' willpower. So I just smoked weed and totally disregarded my plan. Which, of course, makes me feel guilty and shameful and it's like it opens me up to all sorts of worrying type stuff.

So next time you go back to sleep instead of getting up and smoking weed.

Yeah. I mean, I don't want to quit marijuana forever. I just want to show some fuckin' moderation about it.

I understand. So right now you're learning how to do it. And if you find it's too hard, you can always quit completely.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Well, I'm working towards moderation. But, you know, if I have to...

Maybe it won't come to that. Let's see how you do tomorrow. Forget about today's mistakes.

I need to remember that quote you told me about, about starting out the day with a spirit too high to be stopped by yesterday's nonsense. I'm paraphrasing here, of course.

I know what you're talking about. The Ralph Waldo Emerson quote. It's on my refrigerator.

I suggest you read it these days, farmboy.

Good idea. But I've actually memorized it:

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as

you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with

too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Pretty great quote, farmboy.

You ain't kidding, man.

Can I afford this pound of ground turkey?

Oh, man, I tell you, I'm having a rough time today.

What's up, farmboy?

Two weeks into summer and today...I always feel like I'm such a failure. And today I woke up and smoked pot, which I've been doing way too often. I felt ashamed, so I did the things I was supposed to do. I even though about it triage-style last night. You know, what needs to be done most, what do I need to start doing. And I did a lot of that stuff, even though I really didn't want to. But it wasn't this apathy thing, it was like "I'm tired of always having to do things."

Were you feeling rebellious?

You know, even that's the word for it. It's more that I was just fed-up and I'm tired of worrying and being stressed out. You know, I get tired of being so fuckin' afraid all the time, like I'm going to be found out. All these fuckin' insecurities, you know? Pisses me off.

I've got all this stuff going on. I'm really working on eating better and exercising and I'm doing pretty well. But, you know, it takes a while to feel different and I'm still at these fuckin' baby steps with that. And I got to figure out my family reunion and I want to make a CD before I go and...

Sounds like a lot of stuff, farmboy.

Yeah,, and I've been performing, too, and I'm always concerned about money,

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. And I wanted to have a witness that I'm walking and eating fruits and vegetables and playing guitar and being social.

I just get so tired of worrying sometimes. I'm so tired of living in fear, like, can I afford this pound of ground turkey? Am I doing okay? What about rent? What about credit card bills? I need my songs to be better! What if I forget the words? Why aren't I in a relationship? Why don't I feel the need to be in a relationship? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough? What happens after death? Look at all these people in need in the world! What if the economy never gets better?

That's a lot of worries, farmboy.

Yeah, and I haven't even skimmed the surface.

Oh well. Thanks for letting me vent.

No problem. (laughs) Now go on your way unencumbered through life!

Oooh, what kind of high-falutin' talk is that?

I was referring to that Emerson quote you have on your refrigerator, farmboy.

Yeah, he's a smart guy.

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Happy New Year!

Happy new year!

Happy new year!

Whatcha got for us, farmboy?

A quote from my refrigerator. Or, rather, from and by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Change "day" to year.

Change day to year.

Cool.

Cool.